her birthday

there has been so much goin' on in my life, that i don't even know where to start.
unfortunately, if i shared all that i wanted to, i would be violating privacy all over
the place. friends and family get nervous when you like to write about your life stories.
cause those very same friends and family  are almost always threaded into those stories.
and not always thrilled about that.

and so i sit here tangled and unsure of what to share.

thing is...it's my sister-in-law's birthday today. she would have been 53.

53.

i'm 52.

it feels way too early for her to have left.

ah, but she's not here anymore.
and it's her birthday.

i was given these wonderful celebratory drinking glasses that used to be hers.
it took me awhile before i could pull them out and actually use them.
but now i use them with just about every celebration we have.
i cannot hold one without thinking of her and remembering how precious life is.

i have one sitting out on my kitchen table right now.
waiting.
i will toast her in just a bit.

i wanted to honor her somehow today.
and so i spent some time thinking about what i could do.

all that has been going on in my life swirled inside of me.
it's a time of transition for me, that's for sure.
there are outside changes and inside changes.
and there has been nudgings and callings from deep inside me.

i have definitely felt the pull to slow down and pay attention to my inner child.
the childlike part of me has been on my mind big time.

and maybe that's why i thought of her childlike part.
i'm not sure.
out of everyone i ever knew, she was probably the person it was easiest for me
to see the inner child in. so many times i looked at her and saw a little girl.

i drove and thought of her...pictured her face....remembered the little girl twinkle i'd see...
and i remembered a certain sadness i would also see.....
i'm pretty sure that she never quite found the love and acceptance of that little girl inside of her.
i'm pretty sure she never quite got what she was looking for there,
as a child and then as a grown woman. i think she was still looking...

that makes me sad.
for her.
and for all of us.
the fact that it can end and we never quite get what we're looking for...

i thought of my own nudgings.
some of which were showing me that it was ME that needed to be there for that
inner child part of myself.....it was me.
it was me that needed to pay attention more.
it was me that needed to love that part of me fully.

it is me that will give me what i'm looking for.
not anyone else.
altho others may help me find the strength to do what i need to do...
others may help guide me...
it is ultimately up to me.

i teared up.
and i realized what i could do to honor my sister in law's birthday today.

i could spend some time sitting with that child like part of myself,
and i could work on seeing more and listening more and offering more...
i could work on some self love.
all the while holding janene's little girl self in my heart.

i realize that if you're not familiar with your own child like part inside you, this makes no sense
at all...and maybe that's another offering for the day - to put it out anyway...
because i honestly believe we all have these parts inside us.
some know it.
some don't.
but the nudgings are going on.
the searching for love of that part is still happening.
and it is up to us to see and hold and love all of who we are.

what we spend a lifetime seeking is right there within us.

i believe that, and yet i still forget or search in places outside me...over and over.

i'm gonna take another step in the listening to my depths direction today.
in honor of janene.

and i'm going to light a candle today and remember her twinkle,
and i'm going to toast the little girl who was such a part of the
beautiful woman i knew as my sister in law.