strings on the dashboard...

it was an interesting string of thoughts/conversations/pieces of life...

one string - i had been thinking about the different ways we can play the victim.
one of the ways is to claim we aren't a victim and at the same time blame everyone
in our past and present for what's happened to us, feel entitled to things, and then
drip anger out of every pore when those entitled things don't come to us, all the
while claiming we're not victims. --- doing exactly what we're claiming not to do.
creating our blindness to it. spending years creating our chosen blindness.

another string - pondering him and his life. wondering if i could ask him would he tell
me that it was worth it - his journey, his adventure here with this life. and thinking he'd
prolly say no. sitting there under a tree wondering how that would be to feel that way
about your life.

this string over here - getting a plan down about something that was really eating at me.
and immediately feeling better. and coming to that only after a much needed conversation
with my most trusted friend. holding the trust and the plan, and feeling the weight become
so much lighter.

yet another - sitting chatting with a friend, listening to his life-altering insight when he
realized things 'just were' and if this happened to you, then you'd have to go down this
road, and if this other thing happened, it'd lead you down this other road. some of it would
be unpleasant, but that was part of that road. it's just the way it worked. it just was.

i took these strings and laid them out on the dashboard of my car, and then i took a drive
on a beautiful summer day with the most amazing puffy clouds in the gorgeous blue sky.

and i claimed my life.
driving down the highway, i claimed my life.
again.
i declared to the sky that i want to live fully.
i wanted to do everything at once - release into the bigger picture,
grab the smaller picture and not be a victim,
open my eyes and not blind myself with my own games,
know the journey was filled with things that just were,
and be okay with that, accepting of that, embracing of that.
guide things i could, let go of things i couldn't.
trust those i knew i could trust, let them in, lean hard when i needed to,
ask for guidance when i was lost, and offer the same in return.
do more than just 'be nice'..... do what would allow me to nod yes
when asked if i was happy -
knowing the nod would have to be the answer along with the light in my eyes -
because words wouldn't be able to go deep enough, go wide enough, be strong enough
to capture what i felt.
know that i was creating the life i was blessed to live.

driving down the road,
windows open,
hair flying all around,
i claimed my life.
i released my life.
i thanked my life.

and the strings flew off my dashboard out into the sky...