thinking on the filters...

i got into a conversation with that best friend of mine.
it was one of those great conversations that had its roots in
many past talks we've had. so we could grab pieces from those roots
and both know what we were talking about, which is always cool.
there was history and understanding mixed in with some new stuff.
i love that combination! that is one of the best things about a long term
relationship - conversations like that happen.

and it all kinda curled into me and made me wonder about the things
that drive us. the filters we walk around with and look thru. the traumas
and wounds and scars that color our perspectives. the ways we skew
things and don't even know it. nothing new. just a renewed sense of
wanting to understand when i do that and how it affects what i do.

in seeing others do it, i got to wondering big time about myself.
about how often i skewed my understanding of things because of my
buttons, issues, and scars. we all do it.we've got to. it's part of being
human. but how often? and how much do we even know we do it?
and how much does it really color what's goin' on in our lives?

there is no one more aware of how i do this, besides myself,
than that best friend of mine i was talking to.

i looked at him.
i thought of all we'd been thru together.
i thought of the times where i fought myself hard to finally see how
i was bringing my baggage into 'us' and how i had to claim it and own it
or slowly kill us.
i thought of the times where i couldn't see it and he'd try so hard to get me to see.
and because of my trust in him, mostly he'd get thru to me sooner or later.
mostly.

i wanted to apologize to him.
for all the struggles i had brought us because of my own filters.

and yet i realized...that's what we're doin' together.
we're helpin each other with that stuff.
we're learning how to clean the lenses, drop the baggage, see more clearly.
that's some of our main work together.
my lenses. his lenses.

and an apology just didn't seem right.
it's us we're bringing to each other.
and it's us we're healing together.

i touched his face.
what an incredible thing we're doin' together.

and yet, how do we ever really heal this, i wondered?
how do we ever really see clearly and honestly without the filters?

honestly.
how on earth do we get past the filters??

i was just filled with the 'how?!' last nite.

not sure we can.
all the way.
but i know we can make progress.
and i'm pretty sure we really need each other to make that progress.
we need the mirrors, and the trusting in what they see when we can't.
and the ability to listen.
we need that stuff.

it matters.
it's not really living when we can't really see.
and i'm watching that all around me, and in my own life....
we get so sure we have the answers...
and i'm thinking that's prolly the times when we are least likely to have them.
cause it seems to me that's when we stop listening and that's when we
put those filters to work big time.