Friday, August 30, 2013

one heck of a process


who knew there'd be all this processing??

well, okay, i knew there'd be SOME processing....
but i didn't know i'd be processing some of the stuff that's coming up.
the divorce gunk, the ugly stuff, the really painful stuff, that's all poppin'
right on up. some of that stuff was pretty darn traumatic to me.
and that seems to be surfacing.

i thought about that.
it makes sense.

that stuff was the start of my being a single parent.
that stuff was the start of my making it on my own.
it's all entangled.
and it's all part of what's ending now.
it goes hand in hand with all the good.

(that in itself is an interesting thought - 'it goes hand in hand with all the good.')

so if i'm closing a door on part of my life,
there's some processing to do before that door can close.

how incredibly awesome is that?!

it's awesome for a couple of reasons -

one.....i wouldn't have known in my head to do this.
i woulda just said 'okay, this door's closed.'
and gone ahead with moving forward.

i think doing that just makes the move forward that much muddier.
i think it would create hurdles and bumps that don't need to be there.
i think doing the processing now means i can really close the door cleanly.
that while sure stuff can still pop in and tug on me, it won't be causing
all the turmoil it would if i didn't process.

and something deep inside of me understands that.

that right there is totally awesome.

then the other awesome part?
the processing....the feelings, emotions, reactions.......
in some sense they all kinda honor the journey.
they all say 'yeah, this really happened and it was so darn hard, and so
heartbreakingly sad, and so full of grief, and you carried a lot. stop and
look and see and know you're heading beyond it now.'


when i look at it that way, i just feel so trusting of what's going on inside me.
and i know that it's really not about a door closing -
even tho right now it feels like it's about closing it cleanly.
but what it's really about is opening a new one with trust and knowing that
it's right and good.

yeah, a door's closing.......and i'll close it as clean as i can.......
but the big news is another's opening.....and there's an older
wiser ter stepping thru cool is that?!

but wait!
there's bigger news still!!!
the REALLY BIG news???
it's some of these lines in this ramble - it's what's underneath the whole thing -

the painful goes hand in hand with the good,
something deep inside me understands the process and guides me thru.
i can trust what's going on inside me.

this whole darn process is stunning.

i think that's the big news - the whole darn process is stunning.
and we can trust it.


Diane in AR said...

AWESOME - love the way you are processing this. . .and the awesome conclusions - especially the hand in hand part - it might sound clich├ęd, but really, can we love the stars as much if we had them 24/7? Could we understand true joy if we hadn't gotten through pure hell? You're right, ter, good and bad - hand in hand, then stepping forward wiser. . .and happier. . .honored that you let us share this journey with you. . .

terri st. cloud said...

no kidding, huh, diane? and i forget that's always good when it comes back to me!...honored you're sharing the journey with me. honestly. you have such a beautiful heart.

Sorrow said...

I know
though I can not lay my fingers on it,
there is a BEAUTIFUL Bonesigh
that some one ( cough cough) gave me about leaning in ad trusting the process...
~looks around all innocent like~

terri st. cloud said...