gates

i wondered if i should tell him.
tell him what went thru my head.
i was afraid it'd make him uncomfortable.
squirmy.
but i also thought it would help him see what happens sometimes in my head.
i wanted him to know.
i wanted us to understand each other more.

and so i braved it.
it was something that made me feel completely vulnerable.
something that touched on my weak spots.
but it felt like it mattered to say it out loud.
to put everything i could out there.

taking a deep breath i told him.

there's a reason i can even think of doing this.
of telling him stuff when i'm totally vulnerable.
cause even tho i get scared, worry, think twice, have to push myself -
i can do it cause he hears.
cause he holds it.

which he did.

and we talked.
and figured more stuff out together.

it's been a lotta years of doin' this kinda thing.
in the beginning it was different.
harder i guess cause the trust was newer.
harder cause we weren't sure the other would hang on thru it.
harder cause the foundation wasn't there.

it's been a lotta years.
the foundation grows stronger and stronger.
it's still hard as it's always hard to be vulnerable.
real hard.
but  now it's not just because  we have to.
we've moved into wanting to.
wanting to grow it more.
grow it deeper.
bring it further and further into the real.

and the word 'partner' becomes deeper and deeper with each of
these moments we share.

like the word 'love', i think the word 'partner' isn't thought thru enough.
we just fling it around so easily....
i haven't found much easy about creating that relationship for real.
but i sure have found a value in it i never could have imagined before.

it makes me think of all my close relationships.
there's SO much depth we can travel together -
if we open to it.
somehow we can't do the traveling without each other.

we truly are each other's mirrors -
and i think so much more -
i think we're gates for each other -
gates into really living.