not so sad

i woke up saying something from a dream i was having.
actually saying the words.
i noticed, thought of the dream, and thought 'ohhhhhhh don't forget this one,
this one's important!' then went back to sleep.

and of course, forgot about it.

UNTIL...

something happened during the day where i felt sad.
and then i remembered the dream.
(which is really really cool as i didn't say 'oh what was that dream i was having?
it just popped back in right when i needed it!)

since dreams are really only interesting to the one having them, i'll spare you.

but here's what i got out of it -

a lot of my past relationships weren't healthy.
they were with people who really weren't healthy, and i just tried
to overlook a lot of stuff, and kinda sidestep stuff, and make it all okay.
(of course i understand there's a scale of healthiness and we're all still
striving towards real health...but you know what i mean.)

i did a whole ton of that.
i was actually an expert in that.

so it was easy to have relationships that weren't healthy.
my life was full of them.

they're gone now.
i don't do that anymore.

but some of those that are gone make me sad.
i miss them - or PARTS of them.

but the dream stopped me in my tracks when that started happening to me -
when i started missing one. the dream came right to mind. and its message.

wait a minute!
wait a minute!

it's like there's two parts to the sadness.....
one is legitimate, one is based on some kinda skewed view.

loss is sad. how that loss happens can be sad, the traps people can't
get out of is sad, that kinda thing. that's fair. be sad. you can carry that around
and that's an okay thing. that's one of the weights you carry just by being here.

but the actual not having the unhealthy in my life anymore?
wait just a doggone minute......that's a GOOD thing!
that's a good thing.
don't be sad about that! just stop doin' that!

it was unhealthy! it wasn't honest! it wasn't good for you!

i have to stop skewing it and saying the whole thing is sad.
there's goodness in having the unhealthy fall away and the making
of room for the healthy that comes into our lives then.

that's good stuff.
and i don't mean that in any kinda flip way or in any kinda sour grapey kinda way.

i mean that in the most sincere, honest way possible.
it's a good thing these relationships fell away. it's the healthy thing.

and i hadn't been looking at that lately.

funny too, as many years ago i wrote a bone sigh on this very thing -

'she had to stop looking at it as tragic

she lost something.

it was time to accept that it would have

been tragic if she never left it.'

my dream reminded me.
and i started remembering.
and seeing.
and smiling.
and trusting.