stepping in...

man, i think i'm headin' into one heck of a cool time.

it's been a lot quieter in the house these days as the guys are busy
workin' on their own home.

i found myself sitting at my kitchen table thinking.
i sat by the window feeling the cool air that had finally arrived.
looking around the kitchen, i smiled.

the toaster oven was heating dinner,
i had paints and brushes all over the table, there was a drill,
drill bits,painty paper towels, a measuring cup, a candle and light bulbs
scattered on the table as well.

i had cleaned the light over the table when i changed a lightbulb.
looking up, i shook my head.
it looked like a new light.
i need to clean more often, i thought.

i had put a homemade clock together, worked on painting another.
and just gotten carried away with the joy of smearing paint wherever i could.

the kitchen was messy in an artsy kinda way and i loved it.

i had been creating, got hungry, and while waiting for dinner to cook,
i got to thinking.

i have two really deep 'issues' that haunt me.
oh heck, i prolly have a million.
but two big ones i'm aware of, try to deal with....
but don't know how to get rid of - or heal - or whatever.

my depths are sensing the shifts.
the shifts in quieter time, in deeper time with my partner,
in deeper time with myself.

and the 'haunting' of those issues seems to be getting louder.
more echoey.

which really makes sense to me.
this is the time, isn't it?
no more distractions.
no more taking care of the rest of the world.
time to learn more about me.

i sat with the issues.
felt them.
they don't feel good.
but i sat with them anyway.
understood why i had them,
and have yet to know what to do with them.

but then this weird moment happened.
i was leaning my chin on my painty hand and looking out the window.
i thought of where the issues came from - the words and actions that had
cemented them. and for a moment, i understood it was only me who
could dissolve the cement.

and it occurred to me that will be what i need to do as i spend the time alone.
i need to teach myself the truth about myself.
i need to remind myself over and over again that that stuff that created the cement -
that stuff was just other people's words.
just other people's actions.
not real stuff. not honest stuff.
it came from their own issues.

i need to listen to my words now.
the words of my heart.
the words of my soul.
the words beyond issues.
the words deeper than issues.
over and over again.
in the quiet.
over and over.
i need to listen to the words of my depths
and hold them.

and dissolve the cement.

for a moment i got it.
and i realized i'm just gonna have to trust and follow where i go here.

i really think this is gonna be one heck of a time in my life.