watchin' and wondering...

i got myself a little pumpkin.
i have a big one for my porch.
too darn pretty to carve.
i just really got attached to it and didn't want to carve it.
so i got a little one.
thought i could carve it and it could be a little candle holder at nite inside.

i got a baking pumpkin.
as opposed to a carving pumpkin.

if i can go by how this pumpkin was........that's a really big difference!
and prolly  not a good plan.

after using all my might to get the top off of the darn little thing,
there was just no way i could cut the eyes or mouth.
it just wasn't happening.
finally got the drill and drilled circles all in it -
eyes, nose, mouth.

i did this all too far down on what would be the face as i was afraid
of drilling my fingers as i held it!

soooooo what i got is a tiny little pumpkin with the most pathetic
little face you'd ever wanna see.

and i laughed.

my first pumpkin all by myself.

and yeah. it looked like my inner child did it for sure.
it was precious just cause of that.

and! i've got a candle holder outta the deal!

so all proud of myself, i cleaned up and started to head to work.
when there was a knock at the door.
i'm pretty good at ignoring salesmen....but i happened to be right
there by the window, so i opened the door and met the two men
at my doorstep.

they wanted to sell me a new roof.
well.
no.
they wanted to give me an estimate for a new roof.

i rolled my eyes. the thought of a new roof right now isn't anywhere
near the plan.

told them it'd be awhile.

the were your very insistent salesmen and insisted on giving me
an estimate any time that was convenient for me THAT DAY.

i was still friendly and declined and said 'just leave me your card.'
and on and on he went again. actually kinda condescending like i
wasn't understanding that the estimate was FREE and TODAY and
his card wouldn't do me any good.

and then the coolest thing happened - i put out my hands in front of
me like backing them off and said 'when i want one, i'll get one.'

and i never had this happen before -

it was like i pushed his energy right back to him.
he put out both his hands as if to stop the energy push and backed right off.

he was done.
he quit.

i was surprised.
i didn't realize that i had been that forceful.

and i felt like i actually pushed his energy back on him.
it honestly took me by surprise that i just ended it that way.

i walked back into my house puzzled and a little thrilled.

i looked at my pumpkin.
i looked down at my legs - i had on my tights and fuzzy legwarmers....
i looked at the men walking away....

the little girl had shown up.
then the warrior woman - pushing bad energy away - took over.
and it could not have been a better combination!

it tickled me for the rest of the day.

i can rake.
i can drill pumpkins.
i can dress funky.
i can be childlike.
i can push energy back on aggressive salesmen.

you'd think i'd be gettin' to feel downright empowered over here!
thing is......i'm in this weird quiet listening spot.
trying to figure out how i belong in the world.
maybe figure out a little bit more of who i am.
and so i'll keep watching.
and see who else shows up inside me.