inside, outisde, all around

the christmas carol lyrics are jumpin' out at me here and there
and everywhere.

the one part of that line in whatever carol it is, where they sing so strong and moving -
'fall on your knees.......'

that part???
i love that part.

and i was singing that without even any christmas music goin'......
i was just singin' away as i nested and prepared for the holiday.

and i realized something -
the nesting, the preparing, the getting ready all by myself.......
that created some kinda space in me......
and as i did that, i could feel something happening....
it was my way of falling on my knees right then.

somehow, in  a way i can't figure out how to type out,
i was aware of the glory of god -
in a way that was knocking me flat...
and i was so honoring it and so in awe of it,
i was falling on my knees.......only it looked like i was busy workin' around my house.
but it sure wasn't what it looked like.

i loved that thought.

it's like when someone told me that i mediated when i walked.
my eyes got big.
ya think?
oh yeah, they really did think.
and i was tickled.
cause i couldn't do the sit down, cross your legs and meditate kinda thing.
just never could. it's not in me.
but oh yeah, that's right!~ there's all kindsa ways to do things!

i love it when i'm reminded of that.
and as far as falling on your knees,
i really thought there was only one way to do that.
until this moment of mine.

i looked at what had led up to it.
i had been dealing with the darker parts of my holiday season.
we've all got 'em right???
and this time, this year, instead of just tryin' to get thru them,
i tried to face them and work with them.....
and whew. that in itself brought me to my knees.
but in a whole different way.

but i wondered.
i wondered if that hard stuff bringing me to my knees somehow opened me
to be brought to my knees in this different way at this different moment.

i think it had to have had an affect.
because i gave a ton to facing things i didn't want to look at.
i held on tight to believing things i didn't want to lose.
and with all my might i kept the trust.

moments like that have to open spaces inside us.

and here........all by myself, as i nested, and prepared, and sang,
and felt the whirlings inside of me......god popped up.
and i fell on my knees in awe.

only, if you had walked in? you woulda seen something like me spreading
out a table cloth, or putting candles out. no one could tell on the outside.

but man, i sure could tell on the inside.

how cool is that?!