Tuesday, January 21, 2014

the choice is yours

i came up against something inside of me recently.
it felt like a big boulder.
a big boulder blocking my way to really living the life i want to live.

and i knew -
it's either time to do something about this.
or not.
and then live with the choice.

and i don't want that boulder there.

so i have to look at that.
decide that i mean that way past any level of just words.
and do something about it.

so that's been on my mind lately.

and as it always seems to work.
many conversations goin' on in my life touch on this very subject
and get me thinking more and more.

i was just having a conversation about regrets.
and i think i've honestly come to the point where yeah,
i still have some, but they don't carry anywhere near the weight they used to.
because i can see......i can really see......that all these things that i've experienced
have brought me to where i am now. i couldn't be here without them.

and i can see that the whole idea for me is to keep going forward.
to create the life i want. to open to a life even better than i can imagine.
to become more.

(i think it might be important to note that when i say 'even better than i can imagine'
i don't mean that there's a fancy car, a great house, everything perfect....i mean
full and real with me living love...that makes a difference with how you read this,
i think.)

i believe with my whole heart it is up to us to do what we want with our lives.

and that thought has touched in on multiple conversations goin' on around me
or with me.

don't nod and say 'yeah, but you're happy.'
or 'yeah, but you have it easier.'
'you can think like that because you don't know what it's like....'

don't do that.
because all of us carry weights and troubles and sorrows and sadness
and holes and scars and hauntings. all of us do.

all of us choose whether we're victims or creators in our own lives.

what are we gonna do with this whole pile of humaness that is our life?
what the heck do we do with the whole big mess of goodness and not goodness?

i got a boulder i gotta melt.
have no idea how.
but gonna do it anyway.

either i do.
or i don't.
the choice is mine.


Anonymous said...

Amazing Ter, very powerful post, thank you! K.

terri st. cloud said...

thanks, ms. k!

Kristina W said...

I love that you say "Don't do that", about thinking "Hey, you've got it easier than me". I was tempted to do that. I'm always tempted to do that - think my struggles are extra-super-dooper-special. I'm only just now waking up to "Nope, *everyone* is carrying their burdens and holes and scars".

Thank you for your honesty, Terri - it opens up my heart.

terri st. cloud said...

good to see ya, woman. and i think we all do that...and i think it hurts us all. good to be sharin' this stuff....