Wednesday, January 29, 2014

shame school

so this whole shame journey i've decided to hop into?
i've started to call it 'shame school' and i'm tryin' hard to learn
about it, think about it, watch it, feel it, and work with all of me
that i can.

i've been watchin' my reactions and workin' with 'em.
i've been workin' on fillin' with good stuff and letting the bad out.
i've been thinking about it all as i go thru my days.

shame school.

and yeah, there's been those times i mentioned earlier -
you know, the wanting to throw up stuff.
or the crying or the cringing or the whatever.

definitely been part of the classes.

but there's been some really amazing stuff too.
stuff that actually feels empowering.
stuff that makes me feel alive.
a knowing i'm doin' what i need to.
a sharing with someone i love in a way i never have before.

empowering mixed in all the rest.

pretty amazing.

i was beginning to think i was onto something glorious here.

and then.......
very quietly, without me even knowing it,
a whole bunch of different strings dropped around me
and wrapped themselves into one heck of a ball and hurled
themselves at me.

i got hit in the face.
and knocked down.

certainly didn't feel empowered.

i felt small and insecure.

being reminded that the shame will fight back thru all this,
and it's my job to watch that and look it in the eye and say
'oh yeah?!'.......i remembered.

that's prolly true.
and yeah.....i think that's what happened.

okay. i said.
i'll get up again. and i'll keep at it.

taking a deep breath, i turned back to my nite.

but maybe there's a gentleness watching out for me thru this.
just maybe there's an energy that's on my side.

because at my lowest, my guy showed up.
and then after he left, a gift box from a friend was there waiting for me to open.
a soft, plush strawberry pink bunny with some delicious drinks was waiting for me.

as i curled into sleep with my pink bunny,
i wondered if some gentle power really was on my side.

it sure is a beautiful thought.
whether there is or not,
i knew some really special friends were....
and maybe that's enough.
well, that and havin' a pink bunny to see me thru......


diane in ar said...

pink bunny, grey hippo, starry hugs - whatever it takes. . .glad you are untangling and staring things in the face and learning and most important that you could feel the gentlesness around you - sending you some more. . .just in case - gentle love !!!

Chelle128 said...

Doing some good work with Brene Brown's online course, "The Gifts of Imperfection." (She uses one of your quotes!) Also listening to her audiobook, "I thought it was just me" which is all about shame. Have you read this one?

terri st. cloud said...

chelle! i HAVE! but it's been awhile. will be pulling it off my shelf for sure. thanks for the reminder! :)