i keep trying

something was bothering me.
so i decided to give it some thought.
and in sitting with it,
i took it down to a deeper layer.

that in itself is pretty cool.
it always amazes me when i see something
that i was missing before.
we are so darn complicated.
to see thru some of the tangles is such a good thing.

so there i was - like kinda amazed -
oh.
gosh.
look at that.
there's a lot more here than i realized.

well, that's kinda cool, i thought.

and then.....it didn't take long.....

i felt some fear from it.
thinking i couldn't take care of it the way i wanted.
then tried to set the fear down and look at how i should
approach it all.
and then i approached it in the way i had all thought out.
and sure enough -
that didn't work.
i kinda flopped with that part.
and lay there all flopped out.
then felt disheartened for a bit.
then not so bad.
then kinda hopeful.

cause the important thing is i see something i needed to see.
and i tried to tackle it.
granted it slipped right outta my tackle.
but so what?
i try again.
a different way.
and maybe a different way after that and maybe one after that.

doesn't matter.
cause what matters is i see what i need to see and i go in the direction
i need to go. i travel more in the direction that is me.

i honestly believe that is what matters.

now.
can i hold that the next time the fear rises?
prolly not.
pretty sure i won't.
but maybe the periods in between fear and holding will be shorter and shorter.
and maybe in between i'll remember some of this magic i've been noticing around
me lately.