Wednesday, February 19, 2014

more learning.....

i remember when the kids were little,
i'd watch real close to make sure they got fed when they needed it-
tried not to let them get too hungry.
had their naps when they needed it-
tried not to let them get too tired.
i made sure they had the brown bowl if that's what they liked,
never gave them the blue bowl instead - cause i knew if i didn't
watch these things, melt downs would occur.

and there were enough of those as it was, if i could ward off a few, i would.
so i paid attention and filled the needs that i could.

last nite, sitting on the couch, tryin' to figure out a few things that were goin'
on inside of me, i remembered that kid stuff.

and i smiled.
i wondered why it hasn't occurred to me that sometimes i need that same kinda
attention to my own needs. 
no, not every day.
but on those days when things are harder - yeah, i need to pay that kinda attention.

i don't think i realized this before.

i've gotten better about understanding my needs and tryin' to fill them.
i have.
but there's still so much to learn.

like this -

i thought i had it down the other day.
i hit a rough patch.
and in response to that -
i needed something.
i understood that.
saw it.
went to get it.

here's the thing tho -
sometimes just the way things play out,
even when you try to fill  your need, you still don't.
life can get in the way of that.

and it did.
life got in the way.
i knew it.
saw it.
understood it.
knew there was no blame to lay anywhere for my needs not getting met.
knew life just got in the way.
and said 'that's okay, i don't really need it that bad.'
and went on my way.

and bam.
that right there was where i made a mistake.

i did great......really great.....all the way up to the -
'that's okay, i don't really need it that bad.'

yes i did!
that's why i went looking for it in the first place!
now, granted, i may not be able to get my need met in the way i first imagine.
i'm an adult, i can understand that and accept that.
but then~! then i have to go find another way to get that need filled.

if i just walk away and say 'well, no big deal......' i'm dishonoring myself.
and i'm throwing away all the good work i did in figuring out there
was a need there in the first place and going off to fill it.

how is it possible this is a brand new thought for me?

i cannot even begin to tell you how many times i've said 'that's okay,
i didn't really need it that bad.' and moved forward as if there was nothing
more to deal with.

so terri, ever wonder why you feel funky days later and do something brilliant
like sit down and eat a bowl of ice cream or a box of cookies?

uh huh.

the need didn't go away.
my honoring of it did.


who knew?

i sure didn't.


Diane in AR said...

Wow, love today's blog - probably because I see myself in your words - been there, done and said that. . .and you're right - as you've said before - honor yourself!!!

terri st. cloud said...

thanks, diane. now. to figure out how to get a plan b in place for the future - well, besides eating a tub of icecream! :)

Diane in AR said...

or a container of cookie dough (done that too). . .thinking of other ways to be kind to ourselves. . .Plan B - working on mine. . .thank you!!