questions for my day...

she came for tea.
we hadn't seen each other in years.
and years.

as i was preparing for her, i thought about her.
she's really kind and loving.
not angry or bitter.

and that in itself made me want to spend time with her.

it made me think of something i read in a book a long time ago -
something i've mentioned before cause it really struck me.
i forgot exactly how it was worded,
but it was about a woman coming to a time in her life where she
had to decide between being bitter or not.

i remember that stood out for me.
puzzled me.
yet somehow felt true to me.

maybe that's why i remember it.
and it comes to my mind a fair amount.

i was a lot younger then.

the older i get, the more i see the anger/bitterness around me.
maybe it is something that comes with age.

maybe life brings so many heartbreaks and disappointments that it just happens.

i don't know.

but i know it's abundant.
and many people who don't think they are, really are.
it's like a deep river that runs below everything.
it can definitely color all the waters that run thru a person.

being around people who don't have it feels so good to me.
especially right now.
i'm weary of that anger.

and i've been thinking about it.

i don't mean just generally getting angry about something that happens.
obviously that's part of being human and necessary for us to feel.

i mean that i think there's something that happens if we don't deal with that
anger. if we let it stay and grow....
or if we feed it.
or if we heap more anger on top of it....

however it works, i think there's something that happens
where it goes from some kinda normal healthy reaction and turns
into an unhealthy river that runs thru you.

and when that happens, its waters drip out of you in so many different
ways. and it's up to you whether you're gonna stay that way or not.

i believe that's what that book was sayin' that i read so many years ago.

and as i prepared for this woman's visit, i wanted to make
sure i told her that i honored that in her. that her loving kindness
without the anger was just what i wanted to soak in. and that
i was celebrating her in my own quiet way.

i don't think it's something we talk about enough, and maybe that's a mistake.
maybe we'd watch what's goin' on inside ourselves more if we did.

what we grow inside us comes out in so many different ways.
ways we don't even notice sometimes.
but always in ways that affect us,
even if we're not aware of it.

what are we feeding?
what are we growing?
who are we becoming?

i like those questions.
think i'll carry them off into my day and give them some thought.