Sunday, April 13, 2014

a journey

i'm sure i'll be odd the next few days.
if you've had trouble with wordy and incoherent in the past,
prolly want to pass on the next few posts.

i'm experiencing something that's so intense right now that i don't even know
how to hold it all.

it's something we all experience, it's not new to me, it's not even out of the ordinary.

it's the dealing with the practical side of someone passing.

not my first time with this experience. nor will be my last, i would think.

but definitely intense.

i'm not even the main person involved. i'm just the support network,
standing by, helping where i can, being there.

i was standing in the parking lot today at some point trying to figure out
what i was feeling.

you'd never guess by looking at me. i've been crying, i look exhausted,
terribly sad - certainly no glow about me - and yet, i honestly think that
i'm standing in the middle of something holy.

there's some part way down deep inside of me that feels that.

and yet, on top of that is multiple layers of sadness and fatigue.
so the holy just kinda whispers out now and then.

when you go into someone's living quarters, and start going thru their all their stuff,
it's intense. it's moving. it's heart wrenching, it's touching, it's loving, it's hard, it's
queasy, it's dizzying, it's exhausting, and it's holy.

there were moments i laughed. there were moments i cried.
there were moments i thought i was gonna pass out. and there were moments
that just made me sigh. or gasp in wonder. or shake my head.
and cry all over again.

to top it all off, i found the most beautiful note written to me.

no kidding.
mixed in with a few other things....
something i could have overlooked,
or someone else could have just passed over and tossed out.

but there it was.
and i was the one who found it.

written to me.

a thank you.
a beautiful, loving, breathtaking thank you.

a thank you.

i stood there, alone in the room, reading it -
silent at first.
just totally stunned.

and then.......the tears.

talk about a holy moment.
where you realize that you touched someone's life
in a way that mattered.

perspective is falling all over me like rain.
what matters is so clear in my head.
if only i could stay this clear.

for now, i will keep trying to listen to the whispers of holy.
and thank god for the magic that happens in the mess.


margy said...

Beautifully written Terri - thank you. I've had moments that are truly holy and I want to just freeze the feeling and keep it - but they never stay. It's weird how the remembrance of having that feeling of the divine holy for that moment stays, but the actual feeling is gone and cannot be brought back up. I think it's supposed to be that way - that's why it's holy. (does that make any kind of sense? - wish I could write my feelings the way you do!)

terri st. cloud said...

that made total sense, margy. and i think you're right. thank you. you write your feelings just fine, woman. just fine! :)