gratitude

it happened quite by surprise.

i mean, i knew we were gonna clean out the shed.
the guys had to come get all the stuff that was theirs.
but we didn't really plan on when.
and then, there we were, beginning.

and i could start to see how cool this really was gonna be.

and it started to hit me that it was gonna be mine.
this big ol' shed.

that nite, when i was talking about it, i actually teared up.
and i realized why -

see, that shed was never anything i gave a second thought to.
it was always someone else's domain.

as i began to think of this, i realized how my life had been like that.
never having a lot of extra room, we turned rooms into whatever
we needed them to be. things were constantly changing over here.
school rooms, train rooms, band rooms, class rooms for josh to teach in,
the shed for the guys to do mechanics in, the shed for zakk to have his
own work place in. it was always changing. anything we needed, we made it happen.

but that meant a lotta making things work.
i had drum sets in my bedroom and car parts in my kitchen.
i did end up with work space for my business. but that was cramped
for a good long time.

when the guys moved out, i spread out with all that, and felt like a queen.

but i don't know, something about acquiring the shed toppled me over the
edge, and i realized i now had all the room i needed and then some.

and then some.

i have NEVER had that in my whole life.

and it hit me between the eyes.
how much i really did have.
and i knew - i just knew - i was the richest person on earth.

this is not the first time i've had this experience since becoming the
queen of my kingdom here. but each time it comes over me, it feels
deeper and deeper.

i have to shake my head and laugh at my worries about money sometimes.
i have everything.
absolutely everything.

and i don't even know how to articulate this -
but i feel like with all the making do in the past, with all the giving up
any extra space for any project the guys might need - i feel like i've earned it.
i feel like i came to this richness honestly.
there isn't a shred of guilt in the gratitude.

just joy.

i look out my window as i type, over a the freshly painted shed
and hear it singing with me.

projects will be done in there.
not sure what ones,
but do know it's gonna be great fun.
because i'm the queen of my kingdom.