i spent years tryin' to see myself.
but it was so darn tricky.
i had all those filters in my head that distorted so much.
my head could play more mind games and offer so many tricks,
that i wasn't sure what to trust.
after spending a long time thinking it really mattered,
and getting nowhere,
decided maybe it didn't matter after all.
maybe i didn't really need to.
until the other nite.
when i realized i was looking at myself thru someone else's filter -
and believing what i saw.
and what really threw me about that is this someone else isn't anyone
i respect or trust......and i was using THEIR filter. to see ME.
oh for pete's sakes.
it's time, terri.
you gotta really see for yourself.
and you really really really gotta put those warped filters down.
you know i do a lotta times.
of course i do.
but it's those shaky times.
those times where i'm not so steady,
and feeling really vulnerable -
that's when the ghost filters seem to pop right on over my eyes.
and i'm tired of them.
they're gettin' in my way too darn much lately.
in conversation about this very thing yesterday, i got a little discouraged
as it was pointed out to me that a whole lotta what we learn about ourselves
is figured out by our interactions with others.
we really do need others to see ourselves.
this is gonna get complicated.
and gonna provide a lotta food for thought.
but it's a start.
and here's the real kicker -
it's got to be about everything -
this seeing stuff -
it's got to be about seeing ourselves for who really are,
and for seeing EVERYTHING around us for real.
it's got to be a life changing thing to really see.
i know there are moments i can and do.
thing is - i don't just want moments anymore -
i want to do this for real.