Thursday, April 24, 2014


i spent years tryin' to see myself.
really see.
but it was so darn tricky.
i had all those filters in my head that distorted so much.
my head could play more mind games and offer so many tricks,
that i wasn't sure what to trust.

after spending a long time thinking it really mattered,
and getting nowhere,
i quit.

decided maybe it didn't matter after all.
maybe i didn't really need to.

until the other nite.
when i realized i was looking at myself thru someone else's filter -
and believing what i saw.

and what really threw me about that is this someone else isn't anyone
i respect or trust......and i was using THEIR filter. to see ME.

oh for pete's sakes.

it's time, terri.
you gotta really see for yourself.

and you really really really gotta put those warped filters down.

you know i do a lotta times.
of course i do.

but it's those shaky times.
those times where i'm not so steady,
and feeling really vulnerable -
that's when the ghost filters seem to pop right on over my eyes.

and i'm tired of them.
they're gettin' in my way too darn much lately.

in conversation about this very thing yesterday, i got a little discouraged
as it was pointed out to me that a whole lotta what we learn about ourselves
is figured out by our interactions with others.


we really do need others to see ourselves.

this is gonna get complicated.

and gonna provide a lotta food for thought.
but it's a start.

and here's the real kicker -
it's got to be about everything -
this seeing stuff -
it's got to be about seeing ourselves for who really are,
and for seeing EVERYTHING around us for real.

it's got to be a life changing thing to really see.

i know there are moments i can and do.
thing is - i don't just want moments anymore -
i want to do this for real.


Anonymous said...

I am going to throw this out there, with a warning label. The label says " this is an opinion based on my own life experience, so it could very likely be part of my own wompie-jawed filters"
I don't know if anybody ever really "sees" anyone else.
Maybe a few people in the world, maybe. To "see" some one else. You have to listen. I mean really listen, not to the words they say, but to the emotions and subtle non verbal ques that people give off when they speak about the deep things that matter to them. To see some one else you have to get rid of yourself. You have to put your emotions, wants and needs some where else, because they get in the way.I can't tell you how many times I have listened and wanted to "help" when the listening and being heard WAS the biggest help. but I made it about me and my want to fix.~laughing~ To many times in my life have I seen other peoples opinions and thoughts about me, and been slap knocked over. Who they thought I was, or what they thought I "thought or did or felt or my motivations or whatever, were so far from who , what and why I am, that I was astonished and hurt. I am odd. I know that. I have learned to go to core people, when I am vulnerable. People who have held my hand thru some stuff. People who sit with what I share and don't make it about them, they just tell me to trust myself, and then pat me on the head and let me go. Do they see me? I don't know.. but I do trust that they love me, and that's enough. :)

terri st. cloud said...

thanks, mm! this goes into the stew pot of tryin' to figure this out cause i totally get what you're sayin here! thank you! one of these days i'll get somewhere with all this! :)

i think i want to get where i can see that's what people do and somehow use that for input as well. hmmmmmm........thinking. thinking. thinking.

Sherry said...

"Trusting that they love you" I think there's a key to part of this in that