Wednesday, April 2, 2014

the people around me - our fifth offering

recently, i decided to tap into the incredible wealth of thoughts, insights and experiences 
of the people around me. i wrote to a buncha these different people asking for their insights
on different subjects to share on my blog. i hope to be posting one of their responses
here each wednesday.

this post is from my buddy, xina raley. i loved xina the minute i met her. she owned a
nifty little shop down in a town i was doin' an art festival. we ended up working together
and becoming friends. she lost her mom not too long ago and i asked her if she had any
insights she'd share with us. she not only offers us a real and honest look at what she
went thru, she tops it off with that question that gets me every time! xina, thank you for
sharing a part of your journey with us!

There are just too many things to say about the loss of someone you love so dearly. When I look back on the journey of her death, I'm struck by how much I fought it. I truly put everything I had into fighting for her life. Fighting for her quality of life. And how, as the quality declined, I accepted new lows of acceptance. 

I think  we all do that, accept newer lows in a vain attempt to resist big changes and losses. Even if those changes can be of some other kind, even if they're hurtful or damaging to ourselves.  But with loosing my Mom meant I lost my faith, my sense of purpose, lost one of my best friends, lost one of the few people in this world that I really mattered to. And how do you deal with that? I guess I haven't "dealt' with it, it's just that over time, I've rediscovered my faith, my sense of self. my value. And I remember that I am still all those things to her, I always will be. 

I still hurt, just as much as when she first died.  I'm just a little more used to the pain. And honestly, after 2 and half years, I'm still adjusting and learning how to live without her. 

The finality of her death was something that was so horrendous. I've generally looked at life with the attitude that pretty much you can always change where you are - but not with death. That is one of those things that you cannot, in any way, change. 

There is a flip side to my thoughts on this subject matter. The other day a thought hit me with such force and intensity. That in another generation, my mother will not even be thought of by anyone. This woman who is very dear and precious, who truly contributed to her community, who the majority of people really liked, has left very little of an impression on this earth. Her children. But all the millions and millions of people who live their lives that we are not even aware of. Then if we have such little impression in this world, then what is the purpose of our existence?  I think this sounds darker than how it is in my mind. 

you can find xina at whispering hoop


Anonymous said...

i do not know the particulars of your faith, so please know that what i am saying is not intended to proselytize or offend in anyway. That being said, I have tried often and hard to articulate living a purposeful life. I have succeeded and failed with style. I try and explain to my children that we each have a story, and that story goes with us when we pass. All of that story, except where it has intersected other people. Then we leave little pieces of our story with them for a time, but ultimately our story, the one we carry within us, goes. This doesn't mean our purpose goes with us. We as humans tend to elevate our purpose and give it a God like stature, which is a noble thing. Just as the mighty Sitka spruce rises up in the forest, provides food and sanctuary to the forest creatures, provides a canopy to shelter the understory, I am sure that in the hearts of those creatures it has it's own God like stature. When the mighty tree falls, It's death and decay continue to serve purpose. I have in my heart the belief that the purpose of life is to live in reciprocity with the world. That purpose serves not only ourselves, but our children and all life. For me, what greater purpose is there?
Thank you for sharing your love for your mother. For intersecting her story with mine. For sharing the grief and the growing that come from letting go and holding on. Her loves shines on thru your words in the most beautiful of rays...

Diane in AR said...

I so agree with anonymous above - thank you for sharing the grief and the growing and most important, that her love and life shines on through you. . . This was and is still such a hard loss for you. . .you said it well when you said the pain is still there, you're just a little more used to it. That is always how it is when we lose someone dear to us and as long as we keep their memory alive, we honor them.