something wonderful has begun...

i needed some time for me.
i wanted to let myself know that i mattered to me.
wanted to not put anyone or anything else ahead of me for one evening.
just didn't want to have to fill any needs, be anything, or do anything for anyone else or for work.

i decided i wanted to do a little more than just 'take the nite off.'
i wanted to 'have a date with myself.'

i think the difference was that i wanted to take some time to just enjoy my own company.

i had planned on sitting by my fire bowl and hanging out and writing.
but it was raining.
a beautiful gentle soft rain.

i stood at the window trying to decide what i'd do instead.

i got that feeling i get when i stand and look outside -
like i gotta get out there or i'm gonna miss everything.
that feeling i got as a kid, where if i didn't get out right that second,
it'd all stop and i'd miss it.

so i slipped right out.

and gardened in the rain.

i think the whole world disappears for me when i go out into my yard.
i get to feeling like it's just me and the plants.
add a little rain - and it's heaven.

and so i got lost in the rain and the flowers and the grayness.
when i was tired and soaked, i came in to a hot shower.
a glorious shower.

and then -

i started to sit down and work again.
i honestly did.
how quickly i can put up time for myself.
jeesh.
and then remembered.
this was about being with me.
not getting something done.

i wanted to honor that.
put the tugs of work aside.
i hesitated, but then knew -
this mattered.

so i went and goofed.
and i found myself alone in my house laughing and laughing and laughing out loud.
i felt free and light and happy and delighted.

i did silly things that had me cackling,
i did happy things that had me dancing,
i did whatever i wanted and enjoyed my own company.
i was comfortable, and free and happy.

i have always been so aware of 'dates' with others -
making time and space for others, setting aside the time for my
attention to be on them......

not sure how date nite with myself has escaped me as much at it has.
i think i've tried to take a nite off. and have paid attention to that.
but now i'm thinking there's a big difference between taking the nite off, and having a date
with myself. i saw it last nite. and i'm thinking something new and wonderful has begun.