Monday, June 23, 2014

crazy

this one needs a disclaimer......
i really am okay.
smilin' as i type.
i've been doin' a lotta writing lately.
and i thought it would be interesting to write out what it feels like
when i feel crazy inside. so that's what this is.
i was hoping someone else might relate.
it's a reaching out to anyone else who feels crazy from time to time -
...............................

There was a certain feeling.
A one of a kind.
Unmistakable.
One that made her nerves jolt to attention.
It was like a beat of a frenzied dance.
As the drums got louder, her eyes got wider.
Her breathing changed.
And she knew crazy was coming to take her.
Oh no.
It's happening.
And it's never good.
Probably in the end it brought her to some better place.
Probably.
But it didn't matter.
She didn't care.
Cause when the dance started,
that's all that could really be felt.
Even though she tried to let something else in.
She tried hard to see, feel, think, be - anything - but crazy.
She tried to concentrate on work.
Or her garden.
Or cleaning.
Yeah, she'd clean.
That would have to help.
Cleaning helped with the out of control feelings, didn't it?
Gave her some sense of order and power?
That was the theory.
Or so it was stated by those who hadn't had crazy come alive in their heads.
But when it rose to life,
it became life.
Even tho she'd fake it.
Smile.
Laugh.
Whisper 'I love you' and 'yeah, I'm fine.'
All the while feeling any steady sense of solid ground whirling away from her.
Sometimes she'd try to reach out.
But not in any way that really gave a clue.
'I'm feeling a little out of sorts.' she'd say.
'Struggling with a few things' she might throw in.
While at the same time, she silently screamed to the heavens
to make the feelings stop, slow down the spinning,
give her something solid to hold on to.
She'd fall to her knees inside herself, throw her head back, shaking her tangled hair,
pleading for some sense of peace.
Only to be answered with more craze.
She'd try to fake herself out.
'I don't really feel crazy,' she'd tell herself.
“I really feel pretty much fine.'
'All will right itself in the morning.'
'Tomorrow's another day.'
And she'd fight back the tears of loneliness as she lied over and over
trying to calm herself down.
This is when every ghost came to haunt her,
and every doubt rose up to bond together and form her strongest beliefs.
This is when she reached for all the tools she had learned along the way
feebly pulling them out one by one as if she was a handyman working on the house
and getting the same results as if she really were a handyman working on her house.
Tools didn't fit, she couldn't remember which way loosened and which way tightened,
drill bits broke, nails bent, and circuit breakers blew.
And just when she was sure she wouldn't be able to hold out,
slowly...ever so slowly...
the drum beats would soften, the rhythm change.
Her body would come down from high alert.
The ghosts would grow quieter.
And she knew she'd make it through again.
Not sure how.
Not sure what combination of things brought it on
or what mixture made it leave.

Just knowing that for now, crazy was on its way out.

7 comments:

Diane in AR said...

Oh my goodness. . .been feeling crazy a lot myself lately and doing the same 'I'm fine' or 'I'm just tired' thing. . .when all the while I knew CRAZY had come to take over for a while. . .so thankful I'm not alone, not the only one who does this, feels this - thanks for putting it so eloquently into words. . .thanks !!!

Kim Mailhot said...

Always glad when it's on its way out.
I know this. You captured it well. And knowing other hearts feel it on occasion does help.
Love and light to you, me and all the other occasional crazies.

terri st. cloud said...

thanks for reading, you guys. it IS good to know we're not alone! :)

Ann O'Shaughnessy said...

My greatest, longest standing fear -- that I am actually crazy and one day I will exhaust myself trying to hide it and I will be put in a mental ward.

This is one of those fears you don't name, because just having this fear would mark you as "crazy" in the eyes of some, but I am friends with this fear now, even though there are some nights I wish it would inch over a little bit farther onto its side of the couch.

She still has lots of to teach me. I who have been CONSTRUCTED so solidly by such a wide range of voices, beliefs, traumas, heritage and g-e-n-e-t-i-c-s!! The little bit of crazy is to be expected when it is so crowded in here. The crazy might just smash down the walls and let everything pour out so I can sort through it all and just keep what't left. ME. Big LOVE to you Terri! Thank you.

terri st. cloud said...

loved this comment, annie! thank you!

Beth Lewis said...

Beautifully said...I'm slowly getting to the point where I can recognize the crazy. I have a wonderful counselor who gently reminds me...this, this is not me, this will pass, be gentle, very gentle with yourself and it will be okay! I used to be so afraid that one day the crazy would come to stay and I was forever trying to run from it. Making friends with it has been such a relief and knowing we are not ALONE!

Dianne Weisselberg said...

Wow! Just Wow! Beautiful!