Thursday, June 5, 2014

what ifs......

i posted our bone sigh arts quote of the day up on facebook this morning -

it's called 'wrong' and goes like this -

'they were wrong - she was okay just the way she was.'

(you can find it here.)

it got a few comments of it hitting people in a good way,
but then one comment came thru that got me really thinking.
she asked what if they aren't wrong?

what a great, real, raw, honest question.

i'm in the process of moving my studio to another room.
it's a lotta walkin' back and forth across the house.
so back and forth i went.
back and forth.
back and forth.
thinking about that question.

my first instinct was i wanted to hug this woman.
i know what it feels like to wonder that.
and it's not a good feeling.

and then i started thinking about it being a choice.
we really have to choose whether we're gonna believe it or not, don't we?

and then - and yeah, i can't believe this wasn't my first  immediate thought -
i realized that in a different place, with a different angle, but with that very
same deep fear, i was standing right where this woman was.

and i just stopped.

that's the thing about living - there's so many different slants, flavors, colors,
experiences, that things that are so similar can hide.

i think i pretty much have the belief that 'they were wrong' in my heart.
i think it's just been time and work and well, i think it's mostly there. mostly.
and yet......i think shades of that doubt show up more often than i realize.

and i've been haunted for days now with a really strong shade of it all.

in struggling with this last nite, i had a talk with someone i trust most in the world,
and  i was reminded that it was my choice what i believed.
it was my choice what i wanted.
and it was my choice what i worked toward.

that same voice that this woman had who made that comment was poppin' up in my head
as i was being reminded of all this last nite.
i bet ya anything it was the very same voice.
'but what if......'
i kept hearing that in my own head in response to the 'it's my choice.'

and yet at the same time, something inside me knew that it was true -
it was up to me what i believed, what i acted on.
and that these 'what if's' i'd been wrestling with for days were doin' nothing but harming me.

this morning i got up concentrating on the what ifs that i wanted to be true.
i got up choosing to believe what made me stronger.

i won't do it every day. i won't do it every moment.
but i will get stronger and stronger with it.
and that will help me do it more and more.
and i'm thinking that we can all create the really wonderful 'what if's' if we choose to -

what if i really am enough.
what if i really am beautiful just like i am.
what if i really am worthy.
what if i really can be loved.
what if i really can live the life i want.

which brings me all back to this thought -

they were wrong - she was okay just the way she was.


Ronda said...

Thank u very much, Terri. It's just that I STILL, to this day, second guess everything about my inner thoughts & feelings & turmoil. I keep wondering if everybody else are the sane ones & I'm the one out in left field. But it's as you so simply, yet eloquently, stated, it's my choice what I believe. I have to believe that my feelings & thoughts are mine, there is no right or wrong in those things. Thx for responding to my question.

terri st. cloud said...

ronda...i so wish it was easier. i really really do. rootin' for ya, woman!

Beth Lewis said...

Terri, This is so true! "What ifs" kept me paralyzed for 20 years in a bad marriage. "What ifs" kept me from figuring out what I believed. What if "they" were right, but how come their "right " made me feel like I was dying. I was suffocating! I couldn't breathe and slowly I was dying trying to stay on the hamster wheel, trying to keep up with the their truth about me. I kept running so I wouldn't have to think about that feeling that this was not me. Finally my wonderful counselor said to me...let's talk about the what ifs. Let's follow them though to the end. This is something that I do now when the "what if" gremlin comes calling. I follow the what ifs through to the end and then I make my choice. What is my truth and what is best for me not "them". Thanks again for sharing!! Hope you don't mind the long comment. Often when I read your writing it opens up a door withn me and out flows my truth!

terri st. cloud said...

not only didn't 'mind' your comment, beth, i loved it. i really really like the following the what ifs to the end. gonna keep that thought handy! thanks, lady! and yeah for you for figurin' out they weren't right!!! :)

Claire said...

Thanks for the link in your comment on my blog, Terri :) Lots to ponder here... I think all we can do is act/speak our own truth - whether we're 'right'/'wrong' (I'm not crazy about these words - too loaded to be helpful, I find...) Hence, to seek honesty/truth/authenticity in my Self is a core value for me, and to trust others are doing the same for themselves... Being human isn't easy, is it? Can you imagine what the world would be like if we could always speak our own truth and really hear others' as they speak theirs?? Wow!!

terri st. cloud said...

great point on the right and wrong thing, claire. in having a conversation this weekend we were struggling over the words good and bad....we came up with healthy and unhealthy. i liked that a lot. and hearing others.....i so want to get better at that~! so glad you stopped thru. :)

diane in ar said...

thought provoking blog here - as always, some just encourage me to think more, examine more, feel more and breathe gratitude more. . .

Mary said...

Thank you - this helps.