what a start

i'm pretty sure the world will always keep me humble.

seems every time i even get the slightest bit cocky,
i get slammed in the knees.
and any cockiness i could have even imagined having,
drains completely away.

i thought for sure yesterday (father's day) was gonna be one of those
whoppers of a day. it had been haunting me all last week,
and knowing that some years are better than others,
i could feel one of the whoppers comin' my way.

so i prepared for it.

i've learned.
and when i can have a plan and keep things that help me in mind,
i can do okay.

good, even.
i can do good.

as it turns out, i did excellent.
having one of the best days ever.

ha!
that's where the cocky started comin' in.

i'm getting the hang of this.
i'm gettin' to know what i need and how i need it.
i'm gettin' to look to myself for the things i need.
i can count on myself to help myself.
blah, blah. blah.

wouldn't that just make the best ever blog to just have had that to
feel great about?!

it's the 'preparing for it' part -
that's good.
and handy.
and works wonders for me.

what happened this morning was something i hadn't prepared for.
cause well........i didn't see it coming.
but once it landed, ohhhhhh i saw it really clearly.

and it spun me around and took me under big time.

it was all i could do to get out of bed.
and then to go down and exercise?
seriously, i shoulda got a medal for that this morning.

thing is - that 'takin' ya under' stuff is sooooo hard.
i honestly woulda thought this would be my yesterday.

i did not see an entirely different issue having nothing to do with
father's day, takin' me out today.

sigh.

so it's been most of the morning, and it truly has taken me under.
thing is, i have surfaced enough to realize that while i may not have
been prepared for it, i can be now for the future moments like this,
i will see this one coming now.
and for this one that is here now - well, i can do the little tricks i know help.

maybe i wasn't prepared.
but i'm practiced in this stuff.

i know what to do to help myself.

what i see sometimes is before i go to help myself,
i need some wallow time.
there's part of me that lets it all happen.

not in a healthy 'allowing' way -
but in a negative indulgent kinda way.

and even tho i'm not proud to admit that,
i AM excited to see it.

there are really two different ways of letting something happen.
there really is a healthy allowing and a negative indulgent thang that can go on.
two very different things.

not sure i ever saw that as clearly as i do this morning.

so the challenge for me today is to move from the unhealthy to the healthy
all the while loving myself as i travel.

whew.
who knew it'd be such a monday!

but ya know, if it really is the journey, and this really is the stuff i want to learn -
well, then.......i guess it's a pretty good start to the week.