layers

some things on this journey have so many layers to them that it boggles my mind.

there was something in my life that i gave a whole ton of myself to.
when i look back at that time, and what is now,
i feel like it was a bust. totally failed.
sadness is the main emotion that fills me.

would i do it again if given the chance?
i want to shout out 'no way on earth!'
but deep down i know, i would have to.
cause sometimes you just gotta do something because it's the right thing to do.
even if the results won't get ya what you hope.

that's kinda cool to realize.
why? why does it work that way?
maybe because ultimately it all really is about our own selves.
maybe while it seemed to me i was doing what i was doing to be loving
towards someone else, i was doing it because i couldn't live with myself
if i didn't. i was doing what i had to do to honor who i was. i was doing
what i had to do to live with myself.

so that can't be failing.
rising to a call you must answer.
even if the results won't make you happy. and you know there's a good chance of
that - but you know you have to give your whole heart to hoping anyway.
that's actually quite cool.

and then that thing that i see as a failure truly taught me sooooooo much.
lessons that i've carried into many other experiences.
practical lessons i can use again and again.

hmmm....it's really looking like it can't be a total failure, can it?

and then, here's a layer i don't usually think about -
having lived thru it, sweated thru it, cried thru it, i gained a knowledge of
that experience that i couldn't have had any other way.
and i gained some tiny pieces of wisdom thru that actual experiencing that i did.

i don't think wisdom comes easily.
and i've only been introduced to tiny tiny little pieces.
and no, none of those tiny pieces came easily.
and i know they're nuggets to value for sure.

and then the final one is almost beyond words.
somehow i share a depth of love with someone that i could never have had without this.
i didn't even realize that til recently. and when i felt that and understood that,
gratitude filled me.
deep levels of love don't just happen do they?
journeys bring you there.

looking at all this makes me wonder how on earth i could have ever figured
this was all a failure, a bust, something to just fill me with sadness.

some things on this journey have so many layers to them that it boggles my mind.