a moment

i'm rarely ever aware of it -
this pack i carry on my shoulders.
this invisible pack that's filled with stuff that i don't even realize is in there.
that darn thing that weighs me down constantly that i've gotten so used to,
the familiarity makes me forget the weight.

do we all carry one of those?
maybe so.
don't know.

i'd tell ya no, i don't carry one, if you asked me on just about any day.

but every now and then the weight changes, and i know it's there.
sometimes heavier, sometimes lighter.

my pack lightened the other nite while i was brushing my teeth.
so much so, that i noticed and stopped to try to figure out what had just happened.
it took awhile to figure out that it was the invisible pack. that thing really stays
out of my sight with the most amazing skill.

i had made plans to go back to the old neighborhood where my oldest son spent
the first six years of his life. we were gonna take a quick spin down memory lane.
so i got to thinking about 'back then.' and as i brushed my teeth, i realized i was only
two years older than my son is now when we moved away from that town.

wow.
somehow that clicked something inside of me,
and i saw how young i was.
and i thought about how young i was when i got married,
and how young i was when i was a mom of small kids.
just how young i was when i was trying to raise other human beings
to be all they could be. trying to be married and a good wife and a good mom
and a good person. how young i was trying to navigate a lot of life.

and when i realized that, this warm, strong, powerful, soothing wave
washed right over me. it was filled with compassion, understanding, and love.

and i understood that for where i was at, i did pretty darn good.
i didn't just THINK it. i UNDERSTOOD it.

and that wave and that understanding knocked out some big ol' hunk
of judgmental rock that had been in my pack telling me heavy,
negative, non-forgiving things for a long long time.

and the weight shift made me lean into the sink and hold the side of it
while my eyes teared up.

apparently the weight isn't just heavy on my shoulders,
but heavy on my heart and spirit as well.

and my entire being longs for the lighter pack.
and i don't even realize it.

what else is in the pack?
what else am i carrying that can shift and drop away and free me up?
and how do i find it in that ever elusive pack?

self compassion, self understanding, self awareness -
um-
self love.
that's it, huh?

self love.

by golly, yet another reason to work on that!