i'm just on the side lines.
no voice in anything.
just standing around the edges.
only touching in here and there.
and still, i find it one of the hardest things i've ever experienced.
there is no safe spot with this.
no solid ground anywhere.
there is no certain way to act to keep her happy.
seems everything i do makes her cranky.
the person i once knew is gone.
and any real communicating now seems impossible.
and then there's a good day.
when that's all changed.
and my head whirls.
there's some relief.
i think maybe it's gonna be okay for a little while.
and then poof.
back to it.
last nite, after a frustrating round,
i hung up the phone and tried to keep from falling apart.
i was in the middle of filling an order.
so i went back to it.
with quite the renewed energy.
all the pent up stress was coming out as i packed.
i talked out loud to myself.
telling myself i handled that wrong.
telling myself i handle it wrong every time.
telling myself that's because there is no 'right' way that's going to make this okay.
the whole thing feels wrong.
reminding myself i'm doing my best and that my heart is still open.
my dreams were weird and disturbing.
this morning on the treadmill, i moved with a vigor that only happens
when life gets to be too much for me and i have to move out some of that energy.
but sitting and looking out the window just now,
for this moment at least,
i know without a doubt this is something that's gonna grow me in a way i need to be grown.
there is no solid ground.
nothing makes sense.
if that's how i feel,
i can't even imagine how she feels.
i have always wanted to grow strong enough to stay open in the midst of the
ugly. to keep loving when it felt pointless, to believe in my actions even when
they didn't make sense to anyone else, and to hold compassion even when it felt
i have a feeling i'm sitting in a classroom right now
and that this is truly just elementary school.
i know bigger lessons await me in all this. and in the course of my life.
so i'm thinking i need to dig in, pay attention, and try my best.
here's an angel at my doorstep,
beckoning me to grow.