pondering

i'm finding my 50's to be a fascinating time in my life.
it's a whole new place -
no one to take care of,
learning to be by myself,
learning who i am.
and learning what life really is.

i'm thinking life's  not at all what i thought it was.
it really isn't.
or maybe a better way to say that is that life doesn't work the way i thought it did.

i thought it was easier than it is.
well......when i was younger i did.
as i've grown i've gradually seen more and more that it's not easy.

so i thought it was easier.
i was way wrong about that.

but what's kinda interesting is that i've always thought it was deep and full.
always thought that.
and was right about that.

but i don't think i understood what 'deep and full' really were.
as i've aged, i have an understanding of those meanings that i didn't when i was young.
is that a direct correlation to the not easy part that's also come clear?
i'm thinking it is.

i'm thinking there's a beauty in 'not easy' that i'm just barely beginning to see.
that maybe when i look back years from now, i'll know well.

sometimes i grumble and say if i was in charge of this world, i'd make things
a lot easier......perhaps if i really understood, i wouldn't.