a christmas visit

i really struggled on whether i should go visit her or not.
i seem to make her mad these days.
not so sure i bring her goodness.

is it a kindness to go, or is it better not to go?
i struggled with this one.

i've visited her during the holidays every year for over twenty years.
but this was different.
i had decided not to go.
but that was last nite.
this morning i changed my mind,
took a deep breath, grabbed the goodies i had for her,
and went down.

she answered the door with a scowl, tellin me she wasn't doin' good.
i handed her her goodies and turned to leave,
but she told me to come in.

another deep breath...
at first i think she knew who i was.
but it didn't last.

in the middle of everything, she didn't know anymore.

i tried real hard to keep the subject off things that would get her upset.

and was amazed when i saw a doll layin' there by her chair.

i asked about the doll.
and she lit up.
she lit up like a little girl.

she talked to the doll like it was real.
and it made her smile.

and i could feel my heart break just a little more.

i was so grateful she had something that made her happy.
and so sad at what was happening.

i stayed as long as i could without letting the tears out.
but i knew they were coming soon and i wouldn't be able to stop them.
so i got up to leave.
bent over to give her a hug.
whispered 'merry christmas' to her as i hugged her, trying to just hold
her for a moment longer.

and then i left.
and the tears came before i had gotten off her driveway.

it's christmas time. with the dark and the light weaving in and out
whispering to me of life and the muscle it takes to live it.