Friday, January 30, 2015

a process

so i noticed the anger.
i'm not usually that angry of a person.
but it was there.
so much so that i got to wondering -
for pete's sakes, maybe i'm just plain ol' grieving and this is part of the process.

i was kinda hoping 'denial' would be the next phase so i could just forget about it all.

i don't know how it works.....
maybe if it's grief, but not grief over someone really really close,
but still grief....maybe the stages move along faster?
or all over the place more?

whatever it was,
that nite, i found myself crying as i cooked.
the crying got goin' pretty good.
i'd say there was a little sobbing in there.

all while i cooked in the kitchen.

and i gotta say,
it felt so darn right and good and needed.
it's been a long time since i cried like that.
and never before while i cooked.

and i realized there was a great thing about living alone -
you didn't have to 'hold up' for anyone.
you didn't have to 'be okay' for anyone.
you could just fall apart.
even when you cooked.

the drawback is there's no one there holding you
telling you it'll be okay.
but that worked out right,
cause i prolly woulda slugged anyone who said that.
the anger was still close enough around that it could be riled up.

so i fell apart on my own.
all the while somehow realizing that i was going thru a process.
and somehow realizing that i needed to give myself some space to do so.

i wish we talked about this stuff more.
i wish our melt downs were allowed more than they are.
so i thought i'd bring mine here.

sometimes i'm sure i wouldn't ever want to be god.
that i wouldn't change things, that they're right the way they are.
and then sometimes i'm sure that god goofed up on a few things
and i would change them if i could.

i cried about that.
about being helpless and watching pain and sorrow.
and somewhere i know....that being helpless is part of the deal.
and that if i let it, it'll grow me.

i'm not angry about it today.
and i'm not crying about it today.
i'm sad, but feel kinda open.
feel open to a process that has some sorta wisdom to it,
and open to following it.


diane in ar said...

okay, I cried with you as I read this. . .because I have been there - cooking and crying. . .not alone in the house, but still alone. . .laughed when you woulda slugged someone. . . falling apart - so many of us do and it is part of a process. . .and we handle it - cry, write, think, and every now and then we talk about it. . .I'm so glad you did here. . .it's important! Angry to sad to open to grow and learn - all part of the process, all part of what makes us. . .who we are. Thank you. . .

Christine said...

Oh, been there and done it. Sometimes this stuff hits you out of nowhere. And you are right--we need to honor this side of life, and not hide it. People who think we need to pretend everything is great are not. healthy. people. not. wise. people. not. empathetic. people. They just are people who are uncomfortable with our pain.

marsha said...

Beautiful words, as usual. It's nice to know you are human. I believe without the meltdowns, we wouldn't realize how wonderful the highs are. It's all about giving us perspective...although I could use a bit less perspective at times. lol Your friends are here for you no matter how you are feeling. Our words may not be as eloquent or appropriate as yours have been for us, but our ears still listen and we offer a shoulder for angry sobs. Love you, terri.


Kristina W said...

Thank you Terri, for your honesty and vulnerability - it shines a light in the dark, too. Honestly, if all someone talks about is the up and the joyful, eventually, I feel like they're lying. So yes, I too wish we could talk about the meltdowns, the anger, the sadness more. Wouldn't we all feel so much more connected?

You are a shining star.

Lynn Hollyfield said...

terri, thanks for posting and sharing and I love the comments. I had a meltdown this week only I wasn't alone, I thought I was in 'control' and then when I went to express myself the tears came and they came and came....I thought about it later and felt that vulnerability but came to terms with it. I was angry and frustrated and when I hold that in and it decides to come out, it's in tears. It was triggered by a work issue and corporate ways of treating people, in my opinion, poorly under the guise that they are doing things for the greater good. There was a moment, sure, I felt embarrassed but then I let it go and I'm glad my emotions came up because even though they won't probably change anything, someone heard it and maybe as they present changes to others, they themselves will do it with more sensitivity or speak up for better change. Maybe there is a trickle down effect that will throw a kink in the wheels of the big corporate machine to change for the better. My wish...

terri st. cloud said...

thanks you guys! nothing like a good meltdown, huh? thanks for helping me make room for them and letting people know it's okay to talk about!