so i noticed the anger.
i'm not usually that angry of a person.
but it was there.
so much so that i got to wondering -
for pete's sakes, maybe i'm just plain ol' grieving and this is part of the process.
i was kinda hoping 'denial' would be the next phase so i could just forget about it all.
i don't know how it works.....
maybe if it's grief, but not grief over someone really really close,
but still grief....maybe the stages move along faster?
or all over the place more?
whatever it was,
that nite, i found myself crying as i cooked.
the crying got goin' pretty good.
i'd say there was a little sobbing in there.
all while i cooked in the kitchen.
and i gotta say,
it felt so darn right and good and needed.
it's been a long time since i cried like that.
and never before while i cooked.
and i realized there was a great thing about living alone -
you didn't have to 'hold up' for anyone.
you didn't have to 'be okay' for anyone.
you could just fall apart.
even when you cooked.
the drawback is there's no one there holding you
telling you it'll be okay.
but that worked out right,
cause i prolly woulda slugged anyone who said that.
the anger was still close enough around that it could be riled up.
so i fell apart on my own.
all the while somehow realizing that i was going thru a process.
and somehow realizing that i needed to give myself some space to do so.
i wish we talked about this stuff more.
i wish our melt downs were allowed more than they are.
so i thought i'd bring mine here.
sometimes i'm sure i wouldn't ever want to be god.
that i wouldn't change things, that they're right the way they are.
and then sometimes i'm sure that god goofed up on a few things
and i would change them if i could.
i cried about that.
about being helpless and watching pain and sorrow.
and somewhere i know....that being helpless is part of the deal.
and that if i let it, it'll grow me.
i'm not angry about it today.
and i'm not crying about it today.
i'm sad, but feel kinda open.
feel open to a process that has some sorta wisdom to it,
and open to following it.