Thursday, February 19, 2015

a start

do you remember a moment when you got deeply hurt?
maybe the hurt somehow played on self doubts that were already there,
maybe it somehow cemented a fear you were already holding?
and when it happened, something changed inside of you?

i experienced this.
years and years ago.
i'm sure more than once.
but i have one time in particular in mind.

it changed me.
not all of me.
but a part of me.

and honestly, i don't like the change.
i want what i had before the hurt.

the thing is, the hurt kinda cemented a belief.
so now i have this cemented belief i carry around that i don't want.
and i'm not sure how to get rid of the darn thing.

i was thinking about this last nite.
and i can actually remember the feelings i had before i got that particular hurt.
i'm not sure if we all can go back to certain feelings or not.
i know a lotta times i can.
and last nite i realized it was a gift in this situation.
because i could maybe use that as a tool.

so i thought what i would try to do is to go back to the pre-hurt feelings.
feel them.
feel that freedom that i carried around.
feel that pre-hurt/pre-self doubt good stuff.
be there again.
intentionally go there over and over again.

that's as far as i got.
i figure there's more to do after that.
but i don't know what.

something i've noticed tho is i don't have to know.
if i start somewhere, i always seem to get led to somewhere else.
and if i just keep taking one step at a time, i end up going places.

and what i want to do now is put the intention out -
say to myself in a way myself can see -
i don't want this belief any more.
i want to put this down.
i want to get back what i lost.
it's mine.
and i don't want to give it away anymore.

so i started.
and went back.
and felt it.
it felt good.
and i plan to go back again and again and again.


diane in ar said...

brilliant. . . so wise. . .learning from you day by day. . .thank you

A Myeloma Widow's Journey said...

I had to finally forgive the person who caused my deep hurt in order to let go of the belief the hurt brought out in me. It was hard and it was a struggle and I no longer interact with her at all ... but forgiveness in my heart and in my mind was necessary in order for me to find my pre-hurt self again. Still working on all of it and I find your words to be so helpful.

terri st. cloud said...

i think that's a HUGE point about forgiveness! thanks for the reminder! :)