a start

do you remember a moment when you got deeply hurt?
maybe the hurt somehow played on self doubts that were already there,
maybe it somehow cemented a fear you were already holding?
and when it happened, something changed inside of you?

i experienced this.
years and years ago.
i'm sure more than once.
but i have one time in particular in mind.

it changed me.
not all of me.
but a part of me.

and honestly, i don't like the change.
i want what i had before the hurt.

the thing is, the hurt kinda cemented a belief.
so now i have this cemented belief i carry around that i don't want.
and i'm not sure how to get rid of the darn thing.

i was thinking about this last nite.
and i can actually remember the feelings i had before i got that particular hurt.
i'm not sure if we all can go back to certain feelings or not.
i know a lotta times i can.
and last nite i realized it was a gift in this situation.
because i could maybe use that as a tool.

so i thought what i would try to do is to go back to the pre-hurt feelings.
feel them.
feel that freedom that i carried around.
feel that pre-hurt/pre-self doubt good stuff.
be there again.
intentionally go there over and over again.

that's as far as i got.
i figure there's more to do after that.
but i don't know what.

something i've noticed tho is i don't have to know.
if i start somewhere, i always seem to get led to somewhere else.
and if i just keep taking one step at a time, i end up going places.

and what i want to do now is put the intention out -
say to myself in a way myself can see -
i don't want this belief any more.
i want to put this down.
i want to get back what i lost.
it's mine.
and i don't want to give it away anymore.

so i started.
and went back.
and felt it.
it felt good.
and i plan to go back again and again and again.