i had an interesting conversation with someone i've been close to for years.
there was trust and love between us from the moment we met.
from the very first moment.
that's not something that usually happens to me.
or at least it's not something that usually lasts.
but this has lasted and grown.
interestingly tho, i see that it took all these years for her to finally feel safe enough
to say something out loud.
it was quick and she kept going, but i heard it, and understood how hard it was to say.
and i understood the trust she was giving me.
she explained to me why she held on to a belief that she holds.
she said she had to.
because of something she's been thru.
she had to.
the moment she said that i could feel a physical reaction inside me.
a sort of huge relief.
my eyes closed and i held it.
of course she needed this.
of course she did.
she had no other way to deal with her grief.
and she admitted that.
i have said more than once in my conversations with people i care about -
and in many conversations with myself -
believe whatever you want, do whatever you want, but be honest about why
you're believing it or why you're doing it. be honest with yourself. say -
at least to yourself - if not out loud -
i'm doing this because i'm feeling like it's all i can do right now.
or i need to coast here so i'm gonna coast.
or i want to feel angry and hold the fear right now, so i'm choosing this.
or i don't know how to explain this, and i like this explanation. it helps me get out of bed today.
anything. as long as it's honest.
do what you need to do, but be honest about why.
when you can be, of course.
i realize sometimes we have no idea why we're doing things....
but when we can, it seems so important to look and be honest.
there must be some kinda power in that that i don't really understand.
maybe it's power in admitting that we're not always who we want to be,
and that has to be okay. maybe there's power in admitting our humanness.
maybe there's just power in honesty.
whatever it is, i was reminded of it again in our conversation.
and i loved her so much for getting it out - for saying it out loud.
we didn't stop. we didn't dwell on it. i understood the vulnerability of the moment
and i held her way close and we kept going.
she gifted me with so much in that moment.
and she gifted herself.
a sacred moment that flew on by,
but not without first opening both our hearts a little bit wider.