wading thru it

i had no idea it was coming.
was completely stunned when i read the note telling me.
and then, of course, all the stuff that comes with grief, came.

she passed away this weekend.
i learned about it on a note on my phone.
it felt so surreal.

all the things you tell yourself, i've been telling myself.

the perspective that comes slamming down slammed in.

i look at the sky and think she isn't here to see it.
the trees budding - the whole spring coming - that whole energy.
i felt my hands on my steering wheel this morning and just concentrated
on their ability to feel. how the steering wheel cover felt spongy.
the cold that made me shiver today,
the warmth of the water i was drinking.
all stuff she's not here for, i've been noticing.

and two things that seem to be scorchin' my insides a ton right now are fear and awareness.

it happens every time i lose someone.
such a strong fear that wakes up and reminds me that in a blink it all changes.
that i have absolutely no control.
and that people disappear and are just gone.

i so so so don't like that.

as in any fear, it makes we want to grasp.
grasp what, i don't know.
so i blindly grasp for something that doesn't exist.
never a good feeling.

and then there's that awareness that the fear brings front and center -
life is short, live it.

my son brought up a quote yesterday. he couldn't remember it exactly,
but we all know the gist - live your life brightly and fully - burn the candle
brightly so all that's left is ash.

that struck me as that train of thought was already whirlin' around inside me.

this morning i sat on top of my pellet stove. the fire inside the stove was going
and it was definitely the comfort spot of my home. i sat there eating a ricecake
and thinking. was thinking about the living fully stuff.

it really struck me how easy it is to think 'fully' means traveling to an exotic island
or doing more things or just living 'bigger' in whatever way.

but i understood what it really meant was tasting my ricecake.
really tasting it.
feeling the texture in my mouth.
feeling the warmth under my body as i sat there and feeling the emotions
that were inside of me.

lately i've been kinda fed up with my emotions.
tired of their intensity. tired of tuning in with things i'd rather tune out.
tired of being so aware so intense.

silly girl.
feeling that IS burning your candle brightly. living fully.

i thought of my moment in my back yard earlier in the morning.
i sat out there thinking of my friend.
tears runnin' down my face.
got up to head inside and somehow in the leaning forward to get up,
the green moss caught my eye.

it's on fire with spring today.
its energy is just buzzin' around my yard.
i stopped in mid lean and looked at it.
marveled at it.
and wrapped its energy around my heart.

THAT is fully living.
THAT is the kinda thing i want to pay attention to.
and i think that's just part of the deal -
just the way it works -
if you can feel the gorgeous spring energy,
you can also feel a whole lot of stuff you wish you couldn't.

the trick, ms. ter, is to open to it all and fully hold it.
THAT should be the only grasping i do today.
i know it won't be.
but it's a good thing to shoot for.

and i know it's something i could do to honor my friend.
which makes me want to try all the more.