inner crones

i don't even know how to explain what happened.
there's so many really cool delicious threads to it all.
but instead of trying to bring them all in and make it all crazy complicated,
let me just say this -
my inner crone came to visit last nite.

i've actually gone to her two times before this,
but this is the first time she came to me without me asking (that i know of).

what's an inner crone?
i have no idea.
what's an inner child?
i think a crone is the same thing only older.
other than that, i really don't know what they are!

and yes, i'm smiling with delight as i type this.

and without even asking,
but certainly with definite need of her thoughts,
she came.
and she told me to really really work with my visuals.
do them as much as i could.
embrace them.
feel them.
use them.
and that they would be the tool that i could use to keep
my heart afloat in this world, and to open like i really want to.

i actually forgot all about her visit.
i was quite pleased last nite.
fell asleep and woke up having forgotten.

sad thoughts of my friend and her passing filled my head.
living life fully and all that stuff came to mind.
but i totally forgot my visitor!
jeesh!

it was a poem that reminded me again.
a poem i thought of this morning.
i want to post the poem here in her honor.

and i remembered her again.
and her visit.
and what she said.
and i got filled with excitement.

i've been backing away from so many feelings inside me lately.
just haven't known how to hold them all.
and now i have this real sense that i need to embrace that side of
me that...ahem....well......for lack of a better word....
we could call the bizarre.
to really embrace that and work with the way that works for me.
i mean, that's such a no-brainer.
and yet, i don't.
but now i want to throw myself into it all.

whatever these visuals are - be they bizarre, or just goofy, or
weird nerve spasms...or words from my depths....
whatever they are.....they help me.
and they help me access a knowing deep inside of me.
and maybe....just maybe.......they'll help me hold all the things
that i don't know how to hold.

and i need that.

so i'm toasting my inner crone today and feeling such gratitude
for the way my brain works. it certainly adds a lot of color to my life!

and in that ol' crone's honor, i'd like to post this piece of a poem
by clarrissa pinkola estes from her 'women who run with the wolves' book.
(and for any woman who may not have read this book.......i have practically
worn out my copy. it truly is a bit like a bible for me. honestly, it's worth
checking out!)

here we go -

...one night
there's a heartbeat at the door.
Outside, a woman in the fog,
dripping green lake water.
She says "I am you,
and I have traveled a long distance.
Come with me, there is something I must show you..."
She turns to go, her cloak falls open,
Suddenly, golden light...everywhere, golden light...

holding this poem close with the deepest respect for what each one of us
holds inside ourselves, and bowing quietly...