i haven't figured it all out,
but i got part of it.
i was doing fine, then had some kinda hurricane start inside me and spin me around for quite a ride.
was NOT fun.
and i wondered about it.
how'd it happen.
and i could see some of it in a way i hadn't before.
i'm not on my game right now.
sad with my friend's passing, and just not in the most solid place.
so the starting point is wobbly.
that's always good ground for craziness to start.
then along comes not just one, but SEVERAL button pushers for me -
from someone really close to me and from my own self.
so really tender button pushers are pushin' away here.
i notice the push. i move on.
just let it go, ter.
just let it go.
another push on a whole different button.
ohhhh i notice the push and deceive myself that i'm fine.
and i'm not.
but i say i am.
don't deal with it.
don't sit down and think it thru.
and then my own very deep button gets pushed my own very deep self.
that did it.
it was like i turned on the inner hurricane machine.
and i was sucked right in.
here's the part i've noticed this time and want to pay attention to.
i don't have the right words, so you gotta bear with me....
i have no other way to explain it right now....
my inner child part - my kid part -
she's the one who got caught up in the hurricane.
it was her.
and i don't think i've ever noticed this before.
it feels way important.
it was confusion at a level that was more childlike than adult like.
answers didn't make sense because the need for things to be black and white
was so strong - like a child would need - and nothing is black and white
and that was scaring me.
answers that would pacify an adult, didn't work.
it took awhile, but at some point i realized that child part of me was truly shaken.
that's as far as i've got.
so you may wonder why the heck i'm posting about it.
well......because i've never noticed this before like this.
and that in itself is exciting.
i know i need to go work with that part.
just haven't had a chance yet.
but it seemed magnificent to notice this.
it seemed relevant and important because it's part of me clamoring to be heard.
and instead of feeling like an over-emotional nut today,
i feel so grateful for noticing this and for understanding the need to pay attention
to what's goin' on inside of me.
that feels good too.
gosh, there's a lot to pay attention to........
and while that can feel so overwhelming,
it can also be pretty darn cool......
i think tho, i'm still a little bit overwhelmed.......