workin' on it.

i budget.
it's just a way of life.
i don't do it cause it's fun.
i do it cause i have to.
i hate to talk about it because in all honesty,
i am the richest person i know.
just not in the money sense.
but it needs to be stated here so you know that i try to save where i can.

yesterday i found a mistake i made that will blow any budgeting
i had done in that area for months. and it's an area i really do stay aware of.
well, mostly.

i couldn't believe it.
i'm not sure what the right word is to describe how i felt.
'sick' is a bit dramatic.
'upset' works pretty good.
but it's like upset while kicking myself. hard.

i found out while i was heading to weed the garden.
so i kicked myself a bit.
then went to weed.
knew that would make me feel better.

and i listened to my self talk as i leaned into the garden.
and i gotta say - it sucked.

and i also gotta say, i'm not proud of this at all.
but i think the way we treat ourselves should be talked about.
and adjusted!

so i said something like this -
and this was a step up from what i had been sayin' to myself!
this was the 'reasonable' part of me talking -

'well, you screwed up, so you gotta pay for that screw up.'
just all serious and straight logic with myself.
and nothing i'd ever say to anyone else.
complete lack of anything but cold 'well, you gotta pay the price
for being an idiot' stuff.

i heard it and thought 'hmmmm....'

later that nite i thought about what i would have said if one of my
kids made the mistake i made.
it woulda been something like this -

'accidents happen. it's okay cause we learned!'

then i wondered what i would say to a friend .
it would be something like this -

'don't worry about it. it's okay. no big deal.'

i thought it was funny i'd throw in the 'learning' part to my kids.
always the home-schooler.

so.
turns out i'd be awesome fine to everyone but me.
turns out i wouldn't kick anyone else around or be cold and unfeeling.

gosh.
gosh.
gosh.

i wanna kick myself around a bit over this!
(that was a joke)  :)

no, honestly, i wanna look at this - granted it's a bit past the moment,
but it still counts cause i'm seeing it - and i wanna offer myself compassion.
'gosh, terri,you've been budgeting and trying so hard to make that work,
and one mistake takes all that away. gosh, that's discouraging. but it's okay.
it really doesn't matter. what matters is that you know it all works out in the end.
and you know that, so you're doin' good.'

wouldn't THAT have been a nice FIRST response?
yeah......well........i'm workin' on it.
i'm workin' on it.
and THAT woulda been a nice response to my kids or my friends.
so i'm workin' on this all the way around.

always a work in progress over here......