thinking

i've been struggling for days with how to deal with something.
and no, this has nothing to do with my new roomie.
altho, it's prolly something to really keep in mind for everything,
including him.

here's the first thought - the struggle has been hard.
which feels like a real bummer.

today is the first day i can see that it may not be a bummer at all.
it may just be something i really really need to struggle with.

just thinking that kinda changes the game.

okay.

so if i agree to that,
maybe i can loosen up the tightness i feel inside.

and i think i can.

and i think in that loosening i can loosen the tightness all around.

the other thing i realized yesterday was really all i could do was deal with
my own self. can't change anyone else, and no one else is asking for my
feedback. soooooo it's me i gotta focus on.

and that right there is huge.

where you put the focus.

and i think there's a natural course to how that focus happens.
it's gonna naturally focus on the other person at first.
i'm not enlightened, and that's just plain ol' normal.
focus outside yourself for the change.
yeah.
that never gets me very far.
funny how that's still my first place of focus.

but having learned a lot as i've traveled,
i can accept that the focus might not be in the healthiest place
to start with - but it's up to me to turn that focus to the spot that needs it.

me.

not anyone else.

i had the thought yesterday and also knew that i had a lotta emotions
inside me and i wasn't gonna just be able to turn the focus with a click of the fingers.

again, progress.
there's a certain respect for allowing my own timing.

and it's now, this afternoon, i feel like maybe i can really start to focus where i need to.

focus on the things that make me feel safe, seen and happy.
and focusing on the journey itself.
the growing that i'm doing right now.
and keepin' my eye on the love that i want to live.

sigh.

there's still some decent bummers i'm sure i'll experience thru this struggle.
but maybe i can keep my eye on the path and take it where i need to go.

watchin' the trees blow in the wind outside my window and feeling like
everything is just where it needs to be.......even now.
gonna try to keep that in mind.