trusting life

sometimes there is nothing like a good drive.

i found myself in the car today.
45 minutes up.
45 minutes back.

the first part of the ride up was me alternating between being totally wired
and totally exhausted. it was a manic weird mix.

hours later when i got in the car to come back,
i wondered how on earth i'd get myself back into a working mood.
and there was much to do.
i sighed and pulled outta the parking lot.

but as i headed down the highway,
i put the music up loud and just drove right into the sky.
a great vendor guy who had too many bottles of drinks for some reason
had handed me two bottles of cold water just before i got in the car.

ahhhhhh......

so i drank.
and i listened to music and just opened to that sky.
it's really a pretty drive.
and the trees against the kinda gray sky were just singing along as i went.
i had the windows wide open,
my hair was blowing all over the place,
and the water tasted so good.

i could feel something inside of me letting up.
a release.
i could just feel it happening.
i wasn't trying.
i wasn't thinking 'i need to let go' or anything.
i just started to let go.

and as i did, i realized how hard i had been trying in so many parts of my life.
how i had been tryin' and tryin' and tryin'.
and spinnin' my wheels and trying to make everything 'work.'
and i suddenly didn't feel like i HAD to anymore.
i felt like it was okay to just be.

i could feel it so deeply,
that my eyes teared up.

i watched and was just amazed at how the tension was just leaving.
and how i hadn't even realized how tense i was.

and i thought about 'the process' of living.
and how i needed to let go.......and it just happened.
well, it happened with the space to happen because of that drive right then.

and i thought about maybe what i really need to pay attention to is not making
things 'work' - but making the space for the process to happen.

trust it, terri.
just trust it.
it will take care of you.

when i got home, i started filling an order and stopped on this piece.
i read it and smiled.

okay.
apparently i forgot......
but today, i remember

trusting life

“trusting life meant he had to stop
trying to control it.
it meant releasing into not knowing
and being okay with that.
it meant not understanding,
but living fully anyway
or maybe living fully
because of that.”