Tuesday, April 30, 2013


two things to make you fall outta your chair!

the first........a customer sent me a quote from hildegard of bingen -

ready for an awesome visual???

'The woman was in the flame, but it did not consume her.
Rather it flowed from her.'



okay..........and now the other really cool thing -
women definitely filled with flames -

check out what's happening over here!
love these women!
join in and play!
join in and be part of something awesome...

Monday, April 29, 2013

and the mundane became the magical.

you know how sometimes there's just bad thing after bad thing,
or hard thing after hard thing, and you just can't believe it?
or it's been a real big struggle, and then you feel like a truck hits you?

well it's been just like that only opposite!


it's been thing after thing after thing....
but good things.
shifts and new perspectives and openings and rememberings
all kindsa big deep good things.

good things.

which seemed to lead to this tsunami that flooded over me and made
a totally ordinary day one of the best days EVER.

when i got his note last nite telling me he was curious what i had done all day -
i tried to think of what i HAD done so i could tell him when we talked. he had been
busy, so i disappeared into my own world. where had i gone?

turns out i went to the magically mundane.

i fed my azaleas.
first time in 20 years i did that.
first time i ever did that anywhere.
and a boxwood.
i fed that too.
and my flowers.
and i talked to my flowers and my plants.
and i relished the fact that i had them.
and i cut down a dead bush.
WITH a chainsaw.
total thrill there with the chainsaw.
gasped at how quick it cut things.
raised my eyebrows at the guys who were there
to make sure i didn't cut off a leg by accident.

i trimmed a bush, watched noah trim a bush and weeded.
teased zakk, and laughed.

i put out laundry.
i hung it out to dry.
my sheets and my blankets.
i extended my clothesline into a little maze of clothesline.
made the guys stop and look at my maze.
i got up on a little step later and hung up more rope.
i actually laughed with delight as i hung it.
i concentrated very hard to make the rope tight.
and then gave up with a good natured 'oh well' when i just couldn't keep it that way.
i hung my sheets up and felt tickled everywhere inside of me.
i love hanging laundry.

i made a birthday sign for my mom's birthday next weekend.
i made it as pretty as i could, and wrapped her presents as funky
and fun and bright as i could. i wanted to do something to show her
i cared. and so i played and had fun and spent time trying to make
things festive for her. for no other reason but to love her.

i went to the store with josh to pick up a few things.
we talked and laughed and shopped.

i helped make dinner, i helped clean up dinner.

i did NOTHING spectacular.
absolutely nothing.

and yet EVERYTHING was spectacular.

and i noticed.......

i believed in my life again.
i believed in my entire life - me by myself, my life with my partner,
my business, my grown sons.......all the parts of my life........
i was two feet in. and i believed again.

and the mundane became the magical.

Friday, April 26, 2013

touching the holy and sending it off again...

a few weeks ago i was down at my elderly neighbor's giving her a hair cut.
(yeah, imagine that...no skills here....but we just kinda overlook that)

afterwards we sat and talked and she said two things that were so typical
'old person' that i actually looked away and squirmed in my chair a bit.
it's the stuff that there's no point trying to gently argue because it's the
got that old person crankiness to it. i just kinda change the subject and move on.

one of the things - the non-offensive one - was about god not intending us to
have computers and how they were bad.

she knows we all run businesses centered around computers over here,
but we didn't go there. i think i went to the weather instead.

last nite i thought of that moment and i thought of computers and i thought of
the many friends i know from the computer who i've never met in person or
who i finally get a chance to meet here and there, but the communication stays
mostly computer related.

and i thought of the love shared. it's mind boggling.
and i thought how very much the holy is mixed in there.

yesterday the holy arrived without any warning in a box in my mail.

two of those on-line friends surprised me yesterday with a present for sue.
you guys know sue by now, and the story, and the stars......

well......they joined forces and made the most incredible gift. handmade from
both of them. one did her stuff and then sent it to the other to do her stuff and
then they sent the finished product to me to send to sue!

pretty sure sue doesn't read the blog, but just in case i won't say what it was
right here as i hope she'll get it later today!

tucked in there was also a gift one of them made for my son to thank him for
something he had done for her.

talk about one incredible circle of caring and support and love.
i'm not too big on the idea of god intending anything - but if he/she intended
something - i'd have to say it was what i opened yesterday -
love and joy and caring and sharing and compassion and generosity and giving
and thoughtfulness and talent and gentleness and and and and and.....

i think if you've ever experienced budgeting big time, you notice things like
how much it cost them to ship it up. and you understand that just the postage alone
was a gift. then when i threw in the challenges of finances and serious health issues,
and time, and supplies.....and looked at the gift that i got to see before passing  along -
i was stunned.

and yes, i really did understand i was holding the holy.

the love we offer is holy.
and to get to watch this up close is such a gift.

i don't know if i'll tell my elderly neighbor this story or not.
i'm not sure she can be open to the beauty.
if it seems like it, i may try.

but as i think of her i pray that i can stay open to the beauty all around me
no matter what my age. i so pray for that.

and to these two friends of mine - i bow to your hearts. humbly and deeply, i bow to you both.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

breathing again

i was much more quiet than you'd imagine.
and i kept leaking tears.
good tears.
really really good tears.

as i pulled out the english ivy vines, i'd tug really hard
and think even harder.

and all the while the tears leaked.

i thought over the past ten years or more.

all the stories i had heard, all the stories i had watched,
the ones that were part of my own life, the ones that were just in the distance...

some of the really hard stuff.
stuff that i had wished had gone differently.
stuff that i couldn't understand or make sense of or grieved deeply.

i have always seen good in even the blackest times i've witnessed.
there's always been at least a speck of good.
i've never lost sight of that.

but it's always been the 'side good.' the stuff on the edges.
the stuff you gain thru it, or the people who reach out, or the small little
beams of light that shoot thru.

all important, all valuable and worthwhile....
but none that i could think of that were overwhelmingly hugely,
the main part of the deal big.

none of it that big ol' huge chunks of goodness in the midst of dark.

until sue's news.

it's huge.
it's a game changer.
it's what she said on fb - it's the first time since 2011 her mom felt like
she could breathe again.

it's air giving - life giving news.
it's overwhelmingly huge -
it's the main part of the deal big.

right there.

there was the medical team - i witnessed just a tiny part of that -
but my gosh, they were constantly attentive. constantly there.
and there was you guys - i witnessed a big part of that -
you were constantly attentive. constantly there.

i saw all that.
i heard about it.
i watched it.

and in digesting her good news,
and thinking about all of this -
something started sliding off of me.
something i didn't want on me.
something i didn't even know was on me.

a 'protective' coating, i guess you could call it.
but one of those protections that in truth just keeps your spirit tighter.
your soul smaller.

one of those things.

and i could feel it sliding off.

and as it slid, i'd leak tears.

i could breathe again too.
in my own way, for my own reasons, my breathing had gotten much
shallower.......way less deep....

and i could feel the need for the deep breath in.
and i could inhale and feel it.

sue's news melted a coating on me.
sue's news opened my lungs again.
sue.....her medical team......every single one of you guys....
the universe itself....tugged and tugged at me and reminded me that
really big chunks of good still do happen.

they really do still happen.

and i so needed to remember that.
they won't always happen.
they may not even mostly happen.
but they still can and do happen.

and i had forgotten.

but i remember now.
and i'm breathing again......
and feeling ever so grateful.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013


i don't even know where to start...
except to say i'm sitting here crying with gratitude......

i musta checked in on sue's fb page about 20,000 times yesterday.
i'd go to her page, her mom's page, her brother's page....
no news anywhere.

all day.
all evening.

when it hit about 7:00 i got to thinking the news had to be bad.
if it was good, they'd be shouting it out, wouldn't they?

funny thing tho, i would only kinda stand off in a distance from that thought.
i'd look at it, figure it's prolly the case, but i wouldn't pick it up.

i noticed that.

i had moped plenty. cried some. worried a ton. but i wouldn't pick
up what i figured was the final verdict.

i wonder if we're just hardwired to hope.

i was beat. i had mowed the lawn, done yet more gardening, worked,
paced around my house quite a bit, and been agitated all day.

i fell right alseep.
but then woke up just a little later.

i now have one of those smarty pants phones.
first time i ever had one.
i'm a clunk on it.
BUT! i can check mail and fb!

i grabbed it.
went right to sue.....and there it was -


and then a note from josh making sure i saw the good news!!!


this was her last ditch effort ever.
this was one of those clinical trials - one with not much hope, but it's something. ya know?
this was a complete walk thru hell wondering the whole time if it's worth the walk.

and there it is........the news that it was worth it!

she had two tumors - one is no longer visible and the other is significantly reduced.

i can't say it without crying.

i had grabbed my laptop by this time, and dropped a few notes.
sitting on my bed, typing madly, announcing her news, writing to her and her mom,
and crying.

when i closed the laptop and turned the light back off, i curled down deep in my covers.
it was dark. it was so quiet. i was all alone.

and it felt right to be all alone.
it felt too big to hold without being all alone.
i just needed to be by myself in the dark.

i lay there and felt the gratitude.
it was so strong and so deep.
it's been a long time since i've seen life throw something major good in a really hard
situation. the little goods are there all the time - but seeing a major good was just
overwhelming and i was just so grateful.

i can't thank everyone enough who sent sue good energy and all that you sent -
i just can't thank you enough.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

her day

so i've posted about my buddy sue quite a bit over here.
she's the one i've been asking energy, stars, prayers and anything good sent her way.

today's her big day.

she finds out if the stuff the docs have been doing works.

i can't even imagine how she's coming into this day.
the psychological wear and tear has got to be tremendous.

i couldn't get her off my mind yesterday and was jittery and jumpy.
i kept wondering if i was feeling that way, what on earth was she feeling?

no matter what her news today, she's gonna need some energy sent her way.
if you've got some time, she could use it today.

imagine waking up this morning to go see a group of doctors who tell you
if you live or die.

imagine that.
kinda makes anything i could blog about pretty small right now.

i think a good way of honoring someone is living the best you can.
i am holding this day as the gift that it is.
and i am determined to be the best terri i can be today.

holding sue close. oh so so close.

Monday, April 22, 2013

some really good dinner seasoning

we had all gone out together for the day, my guys, my guy, and me.
and by the time we got home, everyone was really hungry.

fortunately, i had a cooking brainstorm earlier and had suggested it to the
guys as we drove along.

a week of tacos.
different kinds every day.
tryin' everything we can think of.
a quest for the perfect taco.

we all landed at the grocery store.
each of us spreading out to go get the various ingredients that were assigned to us,
meeting up at the cash register, we were like a well oiled machine.

by the time we all reached the kitchen, we were seriously ready for some dinner.

now, you gotta understand - the guys are big guys - when we all join together into the
kitchen to cook together, there's  not one speck of a bit of extra room. there's reaching
over and around, much bumping into, and a lotta good natured crowdedness.

this was probably the most efficient we've ever been together.
amazing what hunger will do.

when we sat down to the table filled with all the taco fixins, there was a lotta crunching
goin' on before the talking really started. there was some hunger to be satisfied first.

it was just tacos.
taco ingredients spread all over the table.
all of us sitting around, after hanging for most of the day.
nothing special.
no big occasion.
no celebrating anything in particular.

and yet, it was one of the best dinners i ever had with these guys.
the joking about the different taco filling techniques, the passing the ingredients
back and forth back and forth and back and forth again -

and the understanding of what we had together.

that was the kicker for me.
i think because it was low-key, ordinary, filling up hunger, a regular
ol' dinner - filled with knowing what i had.

i understood.
i was really really aware that we were together and we were healthy
and that wasn't anything to take for granted.

i kept glancing over at my guy.
so glad he was there.
and then looking at all the guys.
and all the personalities.
and the bond between us.

i understood what we had.

next time you have dinner,
sprinkle a little understanding on it, and see if it doesn't taste wonderful.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Boof with a capital B

it was the coolest thing.

i was on the treadmill goin' to town.
had the music goin, was movin' along, and all of a sudden it felt like
these doors slid open in my chest cavity and out came this big ol'
gust of fear.


i noticed it.
i kept moving along, but as i did so i thought 'wow! look at that that!
look at all that fear!'

honestly it was like a big ol' gust of fear smoke blew outta me.

and i just watched.

i didn't think 'oh, i should watch this.' or 'oh, i need to just observe
and let it be what it is.' or anything like that.

i just watched with surprise and interest.
kinda like a third party or something.

well, once that gust of fear smoke cleared, i could feel those sliding
doors open again inside me and -
Boof! ('poof' is too small a word - more like Boof with emphasis on the
capital B) another gust came right out again.


only this time it was frustration.

'wow? seriously? look at this!'

and this big ol' gust of frustration smoke blew outta me.


i'm still moving along, the music's still going....but i'm definitely intrigued.

and yep.......you guessed it.....once that smoke cleared, the doors slid open
yet again.

this happened  a few more times with all kindsa things coming out.

things i don't even have words for.
just big huge feelings.

they'd puff out, and then be gone.

i started looking not at the feelings, but at the space they were coming out of.

i was so amazed that i was letting this happen, that i wasn't fighting it,
that i was open.i could just feel this open place.
and i could feel this openness inside me in a way i never felt before.

have no idea why or where it came from.
just know it happened.
and that it didn't scare me at all.
i tried to feel that open space and get to a place where i could
know it. so that when it came back, i'd immediately turn towards it again.
i didn't want to try to grasp it and hold on to it - cause i'm thinking that
makes openness go away....so i just tried to watch and feel and see it.

cause i think it's really what i've been looking for for a very long time.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

mulling around a bit.....

i was filling an order.
thinking about my relationship with my partner.

thinking about how much i truly trust him.

and thinking about how i kinda don't use that trust as much as i could.
like, if i really do, then wouldn't i be different a whole lot of the times?
some of the harder times? some of the apart times where i forget things
and doubt things?

i thought about this for awhile as i put prints together.

i really wanted to look at this.

and then i thought 'hey, it's like a little microcosm of the universe.'

so i started comparing.

i really trust him.
when i act like that, there's this gorgeous flow between us.
and when i start forgetting the trust and give in to doubts and fears,
things get hard.

i smiled and thought of all the times i told myself to trust the universe.
and when i do, there's such a flow of magic.
and when i don't.......sigh...there sure isn't.

then i started thinking about the hurts........
how i'm gonna get hurt with my guy, it's a given.
cause that's just what happens.

same with life.

but it's not personal.
neither my guy nor life are out to get me, are out to hurt me.
it's just part of the deal.

this started getting interesting to me.

so i began to wonder -
is every relationship - every action even - a small snippet of how i want to
live with my beliefs in the universe? does it all work the same way?

i don't know.
but it sure is an interesting thought to mull around......

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

search for good tour

seemed like a good day to shout out about josh's search for good tour!

something we can all enjoy, and something we can even take part in!

check it out!

so much for silence

there is no way this is gonna make sense.

coming right after offering a silent space for the sadness in the world -

but it's what's in my head, so i'm goin' for it.

dr. who.
how you do anything is how you do everything.
approach is everything.
seeing myself.
standing before the world.

that's what's in my head.
all in a swirl.

spring has sprung here and i needed it.
i've been getting out every day workin' in the yard.
not really because i'm a yardwork kinda gal.
but because i'm tryin' to get a handle on it all as i'm tryin'
to do most of it without the guys.
so it's fear based, mostly.
but in there, is time alone outside.
and that's bringing some sort of goodness to me.

the boston news has been on my mind.
for all the reasons it's on yours.
exercising this morning, my arms and legs were tired.
and i thought how lucky i was to have my arms and legs.
so many things taken for granted.
not this morning tho.

standing before the world.
facing it.
i don't know how to.
i don't know how to look and see and be okay.

i watched a 'dr. who' with the guys.
who would believe the dr. who with david tenet totally inspires me??
who would believe i watch him and think about viewing the world in a different way??
of all things - dr. who???
these weird cheesy creatures running around. his love of them. his love of what looks ugly.
respect. love. admiration. looking at the world in a different way.

i just watched one where he said something about looking at the universe in a whole new way.
i noticed it. and thought about that.
i think i gotta do that.

but what way???

approached by someone in a not so good way today.
they're approach didn't get them very far.
approach is everything.
they blew it right off. i didn't want anything to do with them.
i'm having to approach someone myself.
and i'm thinking about the approach.
knowing it's important.


how about how i approach life?
how you do anything is how you do everything.
how does that fit with my approach to life?

in talking about missing my walks. a friend called me a warrior.
i laughed out loud.
not what i'd call myself.
but then again......maybe....when he talked about runnin' around
naked and unarmored. oh. that's a warrior?
yeah, okay......that might be me.

except for when i'm hiding.

which approach do i want towards life?
fear or love?
can i stand open handed and with love?

and somehow it all ties in with time workin' on my tiny little pond.
nurturing it.
i decided i would.
in place of the walks i'm missing so much.
i'd love my pond back to life.
and in the process, maybe i'd figure out how to face life.

and that's what's on my mind today......
so much for silence.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

a quiet space

sometimes sharing my thoughts doesn't feel right.
when there's something like the explosion in boston.

i understand that there's horrible stuff every day all over
and if i used that reason, i'd never share my thoughts -

i usually share becuase it feels like an offering.
but sometimes i just feel like the best thing i can offer is
a quiet moment and some sort of space for the pain in the world.

so that's what i want to offer today.

and if you haven't seen the blog below, please check it out.
it's a great reminder as we hold the pain, that there is tremendous good
in the world as well.

Monday, April 15, 2013

quilt giveaway

ya know, i saw this before, but it musta been in one of those moments -
you know......where you're runnin' like a million miles an hour.

well.....it's about time i hollered about it!
or did i already?
gosh, i have no idea!
i think i need to go a little bit slower sometimes.


my buddy mary not only has very talented hands,
she's got one heck of a heart of gold.

and all i gotta say is if you don't jump in on this,
then you're missing out! all the way around!!

check out her quilt giveaway and give a little something in the process!

i'm so in, mar!
and so proud of you!!!

check her out here.

a reminder

man, has there been a lot on my mind.
hopefully it'll leak out as the week goes along here.

figure i'll start with this moment -

i was sitting outside at a coffee shop waiting for my guy.
as i sat there i watched one of the girls who worked at the place
wheel out an overloaded cart full of trash to bring to the dumpster.

now, this girl had an air about her that wasn't pleasant.
and yeah, i know - coulda just been a bad day for her.
coulda been some really big things goin' the wrong way for her.
i understand.

i just noticed her air.

and then i watched her go down the curb and bump a few of the
boxes off the top of the pile in the cart.
two boxes and a lump of paper.

she scooped up the boxes but left the lump.

the lump was right there, right with the boxes,
so i believe it was her choice just to leave it.
i'm thinking she most likely saw it.

and she just didn't care, and didn't want to bend over one more time.

and there the lump stayed.

i wondered if she'd get it on her way back.

still sitting there, i watched.

she left it.

she went back in.

and the lump started blowin' around in the breeze along the parking lot.

people were coming and going.
it was just one more piece of trash.

'how you do anything, is how you do everything' echoed thru my head.

i love that line.

so i thought about it all.
i know the feeling.
overworked, bad day, don't feel like bending over one more time for
one more thing....and yet.......if you don't bend over for that last little thing
you dropped, what happens?

and there's more, i think.

it's not just not bending over.
it's not just not picking it up.
there's a lot in there -

it's adding to the trash in the world.
it's taking away from the beauty around us.
it's saying 'i just really don't care enough.'

there's a lot in there.
and i think there's prolly a lot in most moments.
i think there's prolly a lot in most of those little extra effort moments of ours.

i wrapped my thoughts around this.
thought about my own life.
i want to remind myself to do that little extra push when i don't feel like it.

i looked down at some trash near my feet.
i smiled.
picked that up.
and then some more.

easy on a good day.
and the funny thing? it's easy on a bad day as well -
if i let it be.

Friday, April 12, 2013

a transition

i don't think you can know it's a transition when you begin to step into it.
i mean, how the heck are you gonna know?

and then, yeah, maybe when you get knocked down flat a gazillion times
in a row, you can look up and say 'what the heck is goin' on???'

and yeah, maybe then you can kinda hope it's a transition or something
positive in any form as it's hurting a heck of a lot and it'd be nice if it was
a good thing in the long run.

but i'm thinking it takes awhile to figure it out.

so there i was, sittin' outside taking a break with my girlfriend.
it'd been a long time.
i had disappeared while i was workin' thru a lotta stuff.
having come outta the funk enough to be sociable, i was filling her
in on what was going on.

i kinda already knew stuff was up.
but it wasn't until i put it all together, lined it all up in some kinda order
to explain it, emphasized the big parts, and blended it all together
that it was right in front of my face like a neon sign.


a transition.

and here's the kicker -
after what feels like forever (and prolly's been about a month)
of really doin' some internal struggling, i can see so clearly how
i'm coming to a crossing.

i can see it really clearly now.

one of those deep ones.
where i'm headin' down another layer and workin' with life
from a layer down.

and i want this.

i really really want this layer.

it's about seeing.
and living with what you see.
it's about living deeply and fully in spite of the pain.

my girlfriend looked at me and said it was like a spiral.
that it wasn't a new place i was in,
it was a deeper place.
and the spiral just kept going.

and i'd be back again.
and again.
and again.

and hopefully i'd be going deeper and deeper each time.

i nodded with tears in my eyes.

it felt really right to me.

she also remembered my cave of years ago.
where i went in and threw down my beliefs.

there have been times i've gone back
thought i was pickin' stuff up.
feelin' happy and good like i was making progress.

but there's something different going on right now.
deep. real. quiet.

a feeling of 'it's time.'

i smiled at her.
'maybe it's time i went back there.' i said.

'i'm thinking it is' she answered.

driving home, i cried.
and said out lout thru tears 'i'm ready.'

let's see where i go........

Thursday, April 11, 2013

living fully

living fully has been on my mind pretty much constantly.

i guess cause i've only been living partly, and trying to figure out how
be okay with that.

and i'm not okay with that.
i'm just not.

so then how the heck do i live fully when so much of living hurts?

everywhere i turn, i'm noticing things, hearing things, watching things -
it seems like it's all talking to me about this subject.

when i got a letter in the mail the other day from a young girl telling me
she was in the hospital, that she had tried to kill herself,
was way close to successful, but not quite -
i just sat down and stopped for a bit.

she's still here. and she's thinking after all that, maybe there's a reason she's still here.

she's so darn young.
and it made me think of another so darn young girl who was all too successful.
and then it made me think of so many others.
so many different situations.

what the heck do we do with it?

i think i gotta be two feet in.
with a clause in there that says sometimes i need to curl up in a ball with both
feet tucked in for a bit, and that's okay - as long as i come back after a short break.

i think i believe more than ever that it's a gift.
and for me, i cannot throw it away.
and living partly is throwing it away.

i think that sometimes things work out really cool, and we can have a hand in that.
and sometimes things don't work out in any way that looks okay.
and hard as we want to or try to, we can't change that.
all we can do is watch.

i think that some of the deepest beauty is in places i'd never look unless i had to,
and i think i'd miss so much if i wasn't pushed into those places.

and i think i learned a whole ton of stuff that isn't true about life, and it
gets in my way. and i gotta drop it.

i think i gotta stand empty handed facing it and being open to it.

i want back in.
two feet back in.
and i'm not sure how to survive that way.

but i'm pretty sure i can't survive any other way.

i've decided if i'm gonna do the two feet in thing,
i gotta do the healthy stuff as well - the eating right, the exercising,
getting enough sleep...all that stuff......cause i really think living with two feet
in requires us to be in our best shape.
at least it seems to for me.
it's so easy to crumble.
i want to stay as strong as i can so i can love with all i have.

and then.........because the messages are constant -
our quote of the day came up today and knocked me between the eyes -

'memories flood in...
regrets tug in one direction...
joys tug in another...
how do you hold a lifetime in your hands?
and what do you do now?
maybe you do the only thing that ever really mattered -
you love.
you offer love.
you give love.
you receive love
you breathe love.
you live love.
you love.'

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

one heck of a question

someone i'm just getting to know and really like,
wrote me a note and asked me 'what can i do to enrich your life?'


i stopped right in my tracks.

what a gorgeous question.

i told her i just wanted to get to know her, and enjoy her,
and that would enrich my life plenty.

and yeah, that's prolly the answer for what we can all do for each other.

but still.......i'm liking the question a ton.

first of all, i'm not sure i'd ask just anyone.

so that part has me intrigued.

who don't i want to enrich??
i guess that's a good way to look at who you only want to spend so much energy on.
or who you don't trust to try to zap all of your energy outta you!

and then there's the obvious people i love and am really close to.
when's the last time i consciously thought about enriching their lives??

so there's that angle.
which is plenty all in itself.

and then there's the answer angle.

it's really who we are and the offering of who we are that enriches others -
so.....how much of that do we authentically offer those around us?

and why and when do we hold back?
and does our holding back reason beat the reason of wanting to offer to enrich?
which one weighs in stronger?

oh yes........i do love this question she asked.
and i do love the spirit in which she asked.
what a beautiful soul she has......

Tuesday, April 9, 2013


it was a subject i needed to mop on.
there are just certain things you need to mop with to figure out.

so i put the kitchen chairs up on the table, threw the little throw rugs in the wash,
grabbed my mop and dug in.

one thing i'm sure of - i want to be here in this world and live this life of mine.
that i know.

i WANT to be here.
i WANT to experience life.

it's just....
well....sometimes i just don't know how to live here.
i just don't know how.

how crazy is that?

but sometimes i feel really really lost on how to be here and be present and not go mad.

so i mopped.
and thought.

but this was bigger than just mopping.

it took mopping, and cleaning, and puttering, and working, and driving,
and just plain ol' mulling to finally get to where i saw something -

nothing turns out quite like i thought it would.

that's it.

life isn't anything like i thought it was growing up. that's for sure.

and things i still thought were sposed to be certain ways, aren't.

and that's been buggin' me.
a lot.
and yet, i hadn't realized exactly what it was.

i stopped and thought about that.

i think that's been really really bothering me.

i thought of mark nepo right away.
i know he's got some fall-over awesome quote about that.
but i didn't even go look for it.
i remembered the gist - it's in the unexpected that the magic takes place.

that i remember.

let me see.
i'd say things aren't like you thought they were.
life is way different than you thought.
and things turn out way differently than you figured.

i agree.

so what about mark's thought?

and what about the things that are awesome good - so good that you had no idea
they could be that good? those things aren't like you thought either. just different in
a really good way.

oh yeah.
can't forget those.

in fact, maybe that's where i need to look a bit.
focus on that good stuff.
the gratitude will definitely fill me up from just looking there.

and then, yeah, the not so great stuff too.
that too......

and then of course, the heartbreaking stuff.
that too...

if i had been able to write life how i thought it would be, it certainly would
have been different. and yeah....i think a whole lot more clean.

i think easier.


definitely easier.

but there'd be so many chances/opportunities/places to explore that would be lost.

that's the kicker.

and i know that.
i do know that.

it's just that i completely and totally forget that sometimes.

just realizing what was bugging me helped.
helped a lot.

then remembering mark's angle......well, that's gonna be good.
cause i wanna hold that for awhile.

life's nothing like i thought it was.
better in a whole lotta ways.
harder in a heck of a whole lotta ways.

and maybe that's something to be grateful for.

whatever the deal, i feel a relief in realizing this.
and feel able to face that and work with it.

what would i do without my mop?!

Monday, April 8, 2013

the ol' 'let's trick the vultures' move

it hadn't been my best two weeks.
they'd been hard, wearin' me out, and just not my favorites.
i was totally in a 'gotta get outta dodge' mood.
which worked out perfectly as josh and i were taking a day trip.

i was in an art show and it was opening nite that nite.
josh and i were gonna wander around and then land there in the evening.

when i left, i was stressed and beat.
not sure how i was gonna hold up for the day,
but way ready to get goin'!

and i tell ya, it didn't take long before i was laughing and carrying on.
but the stress was still with me as we rounded thru the mountains,
so i threw it out the window.
i was so tired of it.
decided the mountains could hold it for me.

and they did.
cause that was the last i saw of it.
it vanished.

i think because i knew i could just have a day full of fun.
and i so wanted to grab it.

and so i did.

we didn't have enough time to take that big ol' hike we were hoping to take.
we took too long goofin' at some other places, so it wasn't anything to complain about.
we would just adjust.

we pulled over to an overlook and got out.
deciding to just hang out there for a bit and relax and just look at the mountains,
we settled in.

before too long a buzzard flew nearby.
and then another. and then another. and yep, another.

we got to talkin' about them.
how'd they know when things had died?
how long did it take them to figure it out?

we got to pondering.

so josh decided to test them out.
he walked down the grass a bit aways from me,
and lay down flat in the grass and said he'd pretend to be dead.

well, this got us carrying on and laughing and sushing each other
and just having fun.
'are they coming closer?' he'd ask, eyes closed.
'shhhhh, they'll hear you' i'd answer, grinnin' and enjoyin' myself immensely.

they never did land.
but we had such fun, and then kept on having such fun,
and by the time we hit the art gig, i had dropped all the stress, and was
enjoyin' feelin' happy.

i was so grateful for josh.
just bein' a place i could unwind and goof and be.
i was so darn grateful for that young man, i wanted to spread my joy of him around.

which ended up causin' me to tell that vulture story two different times at the art opening.

i don't think the story woulda been nearly as entertaining if josh and i weren't just
enjoyin' it so darn much. we told the story and you couldn't help but get sucked in by
our enthusiasm.

it'd been far too long since i had been like that.
and to have josh right there with me, two feet in as goofy as i was.....
well....it was a gift.
it was about the biggest gift he could give me.

the ride home went by so fast, landing around our kitchen table, telling more stories
to josh's brothers, we were obviously wound up on our own crazy energy. the guys
just kept looking at us and grinning. looking from one to the other as we told our stories,
and smiling and i think probably wondering when we were ever gonna settle down.

when i woke up the next morning, i was still smiling.

and i feel like i found my energy again....
i found it in the mountains, with the ol' 'let's trick the vultures' move.......
i think it found it right then.

and i'm so delighted to be carrying it into my week -

gosh, i need that stuff.

Friday, April 5, 2013

deeper and deeper i dive

i can't believe it's been so many years that i've been workin' on figuring
myself out. it's well over ten now, and gettin' too close to fifteen.

wow.....that's a lotta years workin' on myself.

the good news is i'm amazing myself at how much quicker i am at seeing
underneath the gunk and understanding what strings are being pulled, what buttons
being pushed - really getting why i am feeling the strong feelings i'm feeling.

while i've been impressed at my seeing it lately,
the speed that it's happening in now is downright fast.
i just keep getting faster and faster.
so that's kinda cool.
it helps when understanding comes in faster, ya know?
progress is made with all this work put in.
that's the good news.

the bad news is that it's gonna take a lot more than that to deal with some of this stuff.

i have been going thru some pretty big string pulling and button pushing lately.
just recently, when i found myself right in the middle of it again, i could see what was up.
quickly. within minutes.

i can work with that, i thought.

the feelings were SO strong, but still, i knew i could work with it all.

not quite like i thought i could.

i tried, but well.......it didn't work quite right.
and i found myself lost in the sea of feelings.
completely discouraged.

as i leaned my head in my hands and cried and cried,
i kept thinking of how i was figuring stuff out fast.
and i kept responding with things like 'yeah, and a fat lotta good it's doin' ya too.'
and then i'd cry harder.

i'm laughing as i type this, so that's probably a good sign.
the wave has passed.

cause on about the third time i was mumbling 'a fat lotta good....' and
snifflin' away, i put my head up and stopped crying.

nah, it IS doin' you good, i told myself.
cause you know these are JUST feelings.
yeah, strong stinky overwhelming ol' feelings........but still........just feelings.

i thought of the little posty note i have on the wall near my desk -
something i wrote myself once -
'the only thing i can truly own are my own actions.'

these are mine.
and what i do with them are up to me.
and if i know why i'm having them, then i know i can work with them.

and quite honestly, i've had more than enough lately,
and i'd like them to go away. i'm tired of working with them.
but maybe it's so intense right now because i honestly have it in me to do the
work i need to right now.

i started thinking about me and my insides.
didn't look at anyone else involved -
and you know there's others that i want to involve -
ghosts from the past, button pushers in the present -
and i wanted to shove all this gunk on them.
make them take it.
let them hold it.
blame them and just be done with it.

ahhhhhhhhh but that so doesn't work, does it?

i could see how it was up to me.

i straightened up.
went and looked out the window.
thought about that a bit.
felt shaky, rattled, beat, and yeah, still teary.

but there was something inside that was steadying me.

i smiled.
remembered a bone sigh i had written over ten years ago...

“her head ached. her eyes were red. and on the upper layer was exhaustion. underneath, tho, there was a peace that steadied her. she felt it, trusted it, and leaned towards it.”

some things never change.
and yet they do, ter, they do.
deeper and deeper you dive, and stronger and clearer and healthier you get.
there's just a lot to wade thru.
that's all, ter.
that's all.
and you'll do it.
cause you can.

Thursday, April 4, 2013


not too long ago, someone i barely knew leaned over and asked me
a direct personal question. she called me on something she saw.

i squirmed a little bit but answered honestly.

on my way home in the car, when i thought of that moment,
i laughed right out loud.

'that must be what i do to people all the time,' i thought.
i don't mean to make anyone squirm.
just as this woman didn't mean to make me squirm.
she was just getting to the 'real.'

i liked that it happen because i also wanted to get to the real.
and i also wanted to be aware of the feeling it caused inside of me.
i wanted to see why i was uncomfortable.

i knew, but didn't have a particular word in mind. just had a feeling.

then, yesterday, i had an email exchange with a friend where i told
her something i saw going on with her.

i hesitated.
sometimes it's just not cool to do that.
sometimes tho it's real and it feels like anything else would be false.
and so i sent the note.

in talking about how she felt about it, she used the word 'exposed.'

i noticed it.
we talked about it.
and i put that word in my pocket and went about the things i was doing.
but that word was on my mind.

i realized that was the word i woulda used when i squirmed not too long
ago under a direct hit of a question.

i realized i had been pondering dropping my masks for awhile now.....
and liked the idea - well mostly. kinda.
and yet i totally didn't like the concept of being 'exposed.'

great word.
cause you really don't want to be, do you?

i don't anyway.

but why not? i asked myself.
why not? if it means being real and authentic and who you truly are,
why not expose yourself?

doesn't that mean we can finally get real?

and then of course - i mean we can't even be surprised anymore -
on my popcorn/tea break mark nepo started talking to me once more from
his book 'the exquisite risk.'

'i understood how cautious we are on the surface, and how kind and willing
underneath. it is often when in need - when too sad to keep the mask in place,
too tired to keep the wall propped up, too wounded to lift the sword - often
it is then that we glimpse each other as we really are, stripped of all the things
we think we need to protect ourselves. ironically, once flushed out in the open,
it is from the soft place that we guard and hide that kindness seeks kindness,
and we are just thankful to be helped along.'


'we are invited into a space where we are both completely ourselves and
completely beyond ourselves. it is from this soft place of paradox that we can
know the world form inside and outside at once, needing each other to withstand
the tensions of that threshold. in this soft center, beneath our fantasies of commanding
our own fate, beneath our guardedness, we are less victim and rescuer, and more
needing each other to affirm and consecrate the enduring miracle that we are both
ourselves and each other at once.'

woe, mark. you are amazing.

and yeah.......i'm thinking exposed is okay.

what's interesting to me  is that the phrase 'taking off my masks' is so much
more appealing that 'exposing myself' - and yeah, i know.....there's a lotta jokes
in there.......

but i'm thinking the phrases are interesting, my reactions to them interesting
and since they are the same thing, i'd like to sit with the one that makes me uncomfortable
and see what's up.

i think the things i discover with the 'exposing' deal will well be worth looking at.

oh gosh........way too many jokes in here today.......
but seriously folks, it could be good.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

an art find

so i was digging around my attic looking for something.
and bumped into all my old festival stuff.
all the stuff i used to use when i did art festivals.
including the art.

talk about a trip down memory lane.
and i gotta tell ya, i don't miss those days.
altho, i did meet some pretty cool people that way.
but what a ton of work. and for an introvert.
talk about out of your comfort zone.

it's hard to believe i even had the courage to do it.
but then again, you do what you gotta do. and i guess that's
how i did it. i had to. i think i was braver than i realized.

it looks as if i didn't know i was doing my last art festival.
i was packed up in pretty good shape to go out and do another.
i don't even remember the thought process back then,
did i just say 'no more?' or did they just dwindle away?
i have no idea.

i pulled out all kindsa art from the early days.
there was some pain there for sure.

a different kinda pain than the pain i can feel come up at times now.
which is good to see.
it's better now. it really is. even when it gets painful. it's still better
than those days. it really does get better. dark really does turn lighter.
even if dark patches return, it does get lighter.

i flipped thru piece after piece, remembering.
and thinking about how long the road has been.
and how the bone sighs have always been therapy for me.

the other day, feelin' a bit off center, i ended up sitting with some of
my own writing. i work with it so much, i forget to read it or be with it.

but i ended up being with it.
and it soothed me.

i have always felt a little funny about that.
i'm not sure why.
like maybe i should just need other people's work to soothe me???
why on earth would i not react to my own stuff that's come from my
own struggles???

now i think i'm funny for feeling funny.

i'm involved in an art show coming up with the theme of art as healing.

the timing for this find of attic art is perfect.
i am so reminded of the healing journey i've been down and continue to travel.
bone sighs have kept me sane.

i must have said a thousand times 'when the pain was too much, i poured it out on paper.'
looking thru this collection, it's way obvious.

i've always been grateful for bone sigh arts.
but today, i'm feeling it in such a deep way.
i can see....i can hold in my hands....how much they've helped me cope.

we all need an outlet.
i hope we can all find the one that works for us.

not something that makes us run away,
but something that helps us turn inward and be.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

transitions and transformations

i had recommended a book to a friend not too long ago.
'awakening at midlife' by kathleen brehony.

i had read it years ago when i was in the middle of a mid-life crisis.
or as kathleen puts it - a mid-life awakening.

and no, i didn't realize i was in one til the book was in my hands
and i found myself nodding along with big eyes thinking 'oh yes,
this is it. this is what's going on.'

that's how i figured it out.
i'm so quick.

and for anyone feeling lost and out of sorts and just not quite right -
you may want to check it out. i found it very helpful.
just to not feel so alone was a big help!

having suggested it to her, and having been so long since i read it,
i pulled it off the shelf to browse thru and remember.

i kept stopping at different pages and nodding all over again.

wait a minute, terri, you already did this.
you already went thru the mid-life thing.

let's not do it again, i grinned.

but i think there may always be shifts goin' on that will feel very
similar to those feelings i had a few years back.

because i think those shifts happen as we change and grow.

i read this and totally wanted to share -

'the process of transformation, as we let go of of what was in order to
usher in what can be, is agonizing. In the midst of the stripping pain we can
easily lose sight of the fact that we are struggling for the incandescent beauty
and perspective of the butterfly. without the realization of what we are becoming,
the enormous losses of what we appear to be letting go of can be overwhelming,
frightening, and foreign. ....
   the internal work that is going on within the chrysalis requires looking honestly
at ourselves and our lives. unencumbered by our habitual defenses, our shadow
and other unconscious material rush to the surface of awareness. if we are to be
reborn it is necessary to let go of our false assumptions about ourselves. something
has to die. if we are to experience the grace and the flight of the butterfly we have to
let go of the anchors which keep us moored to our illusions.'


and the thing is?
i don't think this stops.

if we're lucky.
this won't stop.

i gotta remember that........if i'm lucky, this won't stop.

Monday, April 1, 2013

my holiday

i was in bad need of a day for nothing.
a day to just be with my sons and just be.

we had planned a long bike ride complete with stopping often
for snacks...but it rained as we were driving to our spot.
traveling in two cars, josh and i sat in his in the parking lot
of the biking spot waiting for the other two who were coming
in my car.

as they pulled in, josh and i were talking about my car with my
bike on the back of it. we were both turned watching it come
down the road and into the parking lot - staring at it coming in.

rather fast as a matter of fact.
so fast, we watched it keep going right into a tree!

it wasn't bad. nothing was really hurt, and no one was hurt.
but it was enough to jolt all of us.

my stomach turned as i wondered what was wrong and why
that happened.

all was fine.
no big deal.
just one of those things.
a foot slipped, it was wet, all that.

we inspected for damage, we laughed hard, and i sighed one heck
of a sigh of relief.

driving back towards home i thought about how it all changes in a second.
that's how life works. it can change in a second. it was one of those moments
you really knew how lucky you were to be together.
and i was so grateful i was with all of them.

there were some favorite moments.
some laughing moments, some playing moments....
but prolly the highlight of highlights was sitting around talking after we
all watched a tedtalk about business.

we turned it off and then tried to apply what was said to each of our businesses.
we started with one, and then went to the next and the next.

the part i noticed was everyone counted. everyone got the same attention and thought.
we all listened to each other and offered input. and when we hit on the right stuff,
we all knew it. and we were all inspired with our work.

i think that was my favorite moment.
it was one of those team moments.
where our energies helped us all become more.
i love that.

we can be an awesome team.
and we were all day.

and i think there are times nothing heals my soul quite like a day filled with
that feeling.

i needed it, i soaked it up, and i held it with a ton of gratitude.

if you were a casual observer, you wouldn't have seen any outside god stuff
intertwined with our holiday. but if you had any kinda eyes to see, you woulda
seen god everywhere.

i did.
and it was pretty darn awesome.