Tuesday, March 31, 2009

part one...

i knew i was in bad shape as i drove.
first of all, i had melissa etheridge on.
sure sign of not in a good spot.
second, i kept playing just a couple
of songs over and over and over and
over again.

if i missed a line i was looking for
cause i was driving or something, i'd
redo the whole song.

over and over i listened to three songs.

since it was rush hour, i avoided the
main drag around here and went back ways.

brought me thru my home town.
drove right by the neighborhood i grew
up in. past my elementary school.

i looked at the sidewalks i walked
as a kid.....

memories flooded thru as i turned up
the music and felt my whole being filling
up with something i couldn't figure out

as i hit her town, i passed the street
of my morning angel who sent me the note
(see post below). they live in the same town.
i drove by her street. the music blaring.
by now i knew i was fillin' up with something
powerful. i looked over in the direction of
her house with eyes filled with tears and

and i kept goin'.

by the time i hit her house, i was filled
with that desire i get sometimes. that desire
that feels like it's in every single cell of
my being.

that feeling of wanting to touch it all,
live it all, express it all.....the feeling
of life exploding inside of you.

one of the songs i was listening to was
she's singing her heart out with these words:

must i live my days in these concrete ways
will the fire break thru this smokey haze
and i swear tonite i'm gonna find that place
it's not the love that dies but the
understanding ways.
i want to testify my love still lives and
breathes and my soul is screaming why.

by the time i pulled into her driveway
i was ready to run head on into life..........

part two

i've never been to a place like it before.

what a business cancer is.
it's booming.

plenty of room for all......
and lots of people in and out.

the nurses were gorgeous and loving.
they have my admiration and respect.

the people seemed caught between
trying not to think about it and
having that all they can think of.

denial mixed with fear mixed with
frustration mixed with hiding mixed
with prettying it all up mixed with
the reality of the faces was a lot
to watch.

i looked over at her.
how could she look so cute when she
was so sick.

i told her she was adorable.

i looked again....she looked pretty tired.

again....and she looked pretty worn.....

again....and she looked relieved.

almost done.

thru the whole thing she smiled, talked
to everyone and cared about everyone
around her.

she was reading an article about gratitude
helping in the healing process.

and she told me she couldn't help but
feel gratitude for all the people who
have been so kind to her.

i tried to tell her it was a cycle...that
she helped that happen.

she didn't hear.

we never seem to hear that stuff, do we?

no matter.

she was sitting there getting chemo pumped
into her telling me of her gratitude.

i was humbled.

part three....

she's 75. and i knew from her socks,
i liked her.

we talked. she and her friend.
me and mine.

same cancers. or close enough, i spose.
she's a veteran. been thru it all for
seven years.

seven years.

i can't even imagine.

and there she sat....
smiling, gracious, kind, loving and warm.

i watched her.
wondering about her.
finding myself wanting to know how she felt
about things. was she scared. what did she
feel way down deep.

i didn't ask.

it wasn't mine to touch.

but as i sat there, i held her in my heart
real deep. and i cared a lot about how she
was doing.

we left first.

i went over to her.
reached for her hand as she reached for mine.
held hers for a moment.

it couldn't just be a 'see ya later' for me.
but what could i do?

i just looked her in the eyes and wished her
well. but i so so so meant it.

she looked in mine and thanked me for my

i was surprised.

she looked like she meant it.

i felt the same way about her.

i forgot.
that's usually a two way street.
today it was a four way street.
or maybe a sixway street....
definitely a whole highway full.

there was so much kindness between the
four of us this afternoon. between a lot
of us this afternoon.

you could touch it.
you could feel it.
you could see it.

it was a gift running thru the veins
as powerful as any of that stuff they
were pumping bag after bag today.

again, i was humbled.

part four...

i turned the music back on as i drove home....
blaring again.

i saw life where i didn't expect it.
and i saw dying where there should have been life...

that's what got me the most.

the walking dead.

the ones who were throwing it away and who
weren't the ones sitting there getting poisons
pumped into them.

the ones walking around tubeless, pumping their
own poisons into their souls.

and i turned the music up louder.

and i drove a wee bit faster.

and i vowed to live with all i had.......

and finally.....

he wanted this boat.
used boat.
fishing in the bay boat.
great deal boat.
not so practical boat.

he decided not to get it.

he told me several times.
he asked at work. they said don't.
you'll be sorry. not practical.
don't do it.

he told me he wasn't gonna get it.

told him he should.
he deserved something nice.
he'd enjoy it.
it would be good for him.
go for it.
enjoy it.
life is for now.
do it.

as i drove up today, he called.
he bought the boat.

he bought it today.
of all days.
he bought it today.

a life day. a learn how to live day.

'thanks for showin' me how to live'
he said.

i blew it off.
didn't think he meant anything.

as i drove home thinking of people walking
around dead while alive, he called again.

he said it again.
'you show me how to live, ter.'

and he meant it.

i heard him. he meant it.

and tonite, after this incredible day,
i am turning to myself and asking the same
from myself.

show me how to live, ter.
show me how to live......

a note from an angel....

i was a little bit down. and i kept thinking of
my science experiment....'TOW.'

see, i haven't forgotten it.......for one week..
up til thursday, do all i can to trust, open,
and be who i want to be.

well, yeah, sounds nice.
been a lotta work on this end tho.
i've done good. but then i hit one spot where
i just kinda shut down.
i saw it. was aware of it. was aware of my science
experiment and watched.

i didn't want to FORCE myself with stuff. i wanted
to push some limits....but not force myself.

so i watched. and i kept an eye on my goal....
and i did it. not in a matter of moments. it took

but i saw the process. i had to think thru things,
figure out how i felt. all of that stuff.

then when i finally hit my open and trusting spot,
i heard from a really good friend some really sad

my heart was heavy when i got in the shower last
nite. i tried to wash off some of the closing down
i was feeling.

this morning i felt pretty sad as i sat down to
my computer. it's the day i help out with a chemo
appointment....and there's a few other things sittin'
on my shoulders and i just felt sad.

i looked at my note to myself to remind me to trust,
open and be who i want to be.


then i got a note from an angel.
she sent me oriah mountain dreamer's poem called
the invitation.
if you don't know it, you want to.

it's like the universe sent my friend.......
she knew the chemo appointment was today.
last thing she said in her note was 'be open.'

so that's when the tears hit.

i'm printing out the poem and bringing it with me

and i'm gonna be open.

cause an angel came and reminded me today.......

Monday, March 30, 2009


tomorrow i take her to her chemo appointment.
it's gonna be an all day thing, between the
drive with traffic, the helpin' with her son,
the actual appointment which is at least
five hours.....it's a whole day thing.....

and in a way, i'm really glad it is.

because i know it's gonna affect me big time.
and i want some time to sit with it and let
it soak in and not have to take care of
business right away.

i want to be stuck in traffic on the way home
and just think.

i'm bringing a laptop so i'll prolly be doin'
some work as i'm hangin' out.
but i'll be curious exactly what kind of work
comes out of me.

maybe bone sigh writing.

i walked and thought about it this morning.
i'm not going to get poison flushed thru my
body. i'm so darn lucky to just be the one

i cannot waste this gift i've got, ya know?

and so i turn to my day to live it.......


it's up to me.
the whole stinkin' deal is up to me.
it's not about what someone outside of
me can give me.
it's not about finding it anywhere but

i think i have that down.
then i see.....um.
that's not what you were doin' there,
were you?

you were lookin' outside yourself there,
weren't you?

oh yeah.
ohhhhhh yeah.

and i try again.

everything i need is within me.

that was my mantra when i first started
taking this intentional journey i've been

i put it away cause i thought i had it.

major big sheepish grin here.


time to pull it out again.

thanking the colors....

ohmygosh is it pretty out.
and ohmygosh did i need to be out in it.

there's something about the colors today.
they're northern.
i have no idea what that means in words,
but i do in feel and looks.

i love the north. the colors are different.
they're silvery darker or something.
they're my favorite.

and there they were this morning. all around

i walked.
i was actually feelin' kinda angry about

yeah, ms. no anger was feelin' angry.
weird dream.
brought up some stuff.
and i was ready to punch someone.

and at one point i was walkin' and
the colors just called me into them.
forget the anger.
come on in here.


and i did.

there's still some stuff swirlin'
inside....but the colors took over
the main deal.

and i let them.

i think that was what made it extra cool.
i let them.

it's a choice, isn't it, ter?

it's all a choice.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

the chance to choose you.

i woke up this morning with a thought.....

'there comes a time when you gotta pick, ter.
the past or the present/future. you can't
hang on to the past and keep goin' into a
really gorgeous present/future if you do.
there comes a time you gotta pick.'

then i grinned.
'knucklehead' i tenderly called myself.

i got out of bed thinking....

it's not *A* time. not one single time.
why do i persist in thinking that?!

i picked continually thru my divorce
saga. even my husband looked at me one
day and shook his head. i'm not sure if
he thought that if he made it hard enough,
i'd give in and stay. but i think so.
he looked at me and said 'i know you, terri.
and you gotta REALLY want this to go thru this
much pain to get it.'

i'll never forget that moment.
i realized how i couldn't go back. ever.
no matter what the cost.
and he was gonna make me pay.

i chose then. at that moment. i chose never
going back.

but it's not a one time pick.

over and over and over a thousand times
since, i've wrestled with the past to choose
the present and my future.

and somehow it was me that was gonna make
me pay.

it's never been easy. some times have
been harder than others. but it's never been

it's not *a* moment. it's a series of a gazillion
moments i'll have to face forever.
because some of that past stuff is way way
way down deep in my cells.

i looked at bob yesterday and told him at one
moment during our day together i had to choose
again. because you see, this past stuff sneaks
in at any ol' time. and i chose now.

'i don't know why it's so hard. it seems like it
should be easy. i want something, why can't i just
grab it with ease? but it's so hard sometimes.
but i chose now.' i smiledat him thru tears.
he understood.

every time i let the past close me down, every
time i let the past dictate my actions, every
time i let the past fill me with fear....
i've let it win that round.

maybe it's not JUST that there comes a time where
you have to decide what's gonna win, the past
or the present/future.

maybe there comes a time where you're committed
to hanging in for all the rounds, and you're
committed to winning more than losing.

and maybe there comes a time where you have to
decide if you're worth the fight.

and maybe that brings you right back to the idea
that there comes a time where you have to see your
beauty, find your self love, and get up in the
ring and know you can duke it out every single time
if you have to, cause you're one unstoppable woman.

and maybe all that brings you to a time where deep
in your cells you know you matter.

and maybe those cells outnumber the past cells....

and maybe there comes a time when you truly live.

or maybe not.
maybe there's never a 'time'.
only moments.
moment by moment you make the choice.

maybe it's millions and millions of times.
not one big long time.

and while i have found that exhausting.
maybe it doesn't have to be.

it's millions and millions of opportunities to
choose life. to choose yourself. to choose infinity.

over and over and over again.

maybe that's actually a really cool deal.

maybe it's a gift you get a million trillion times
in your life.

the chance to choose you.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

talking not reciting.

one last lecture thought.....

a prominent writer introduced elizabeth
last nite....

she was obviously a writer.
she had all the beautiful words, strung
them together perfectly, and had memorized
them and said them to us as she checked
her notes....

first of all, i couldn't have gotten up
and said 'um' last nite to that crowd.
so she gets points.

i couldn't have strung together words so
beautifully, so i get the talent.

but i didn't want to be spoken to from
a memorized speech.

i was amazed at how much i reacted to it.
i didn't want it.

if i got up there, i wouldn't have been
able to retain anything i had even tried
to memorize.

i get the stress and the talent in public

i really do.

i just know that i didn't want to be recited
to last nite.

and i reacted on the insides.

when we got in the car, josh said the same thing.
well, only in josh language. but he meant the same

elizabeth got up and just talked.

i don't know how you get up there in front of 2,000
people and just talk.

but wow.....
it totally made a difference.

josh said he felt like he was sitting at the kitchen
table with her.


how cool, huh?

i really really admire someone who can pull that off....

i respected her....and strangely enough...i felt respected

it was kinda interesting.....

one heck of a lecture....

okay, so i'm prolly the only woman in
the vast sea of women who read 'eat,
pray, love' who wasn't totally thrilled
with it.

everyone i know loved it.
i thought it was 'okay.'

so if that was the reason to go listen
to a lecture by the author, i would never
have gone.

but i saw her give a lecture on the interent.
click here if you haven't seen it, and want to.

i was totally taken with her from this
lecture. loved her.

looked her up. saw she was speakin' in d.c.
and went with josh and a couple friends last

oh wow.
oh wow.

i loved her from the first moment she opened
her mouth. she was totally real. totally totally
real. told great story after great story that
made us laugh, think, and at times tear up.

she said she couldn't solve anyone's problems,
she couldn't get her own life together.
and i loved her for that.

but it was the simplest sentence that brought
tears to my eyes....

she closed her talk with it...it went something
like this...

'what i'd like to leave you with is to remind
you to be kind to yourself.'

that was it.

it was awesome.

she didn't have any answers.
she had stories.

she had herself.

she had real.

and the entire audience soaked up her realness.

why is it we're so hungry for real???
why is that so hard to find???

i have no idea.

but i treasured her offering herself last nite.
and i am carrying her around with me big time
this morning.

Friday, March 27, 2009

ol' lady shoes

i'm trying to be much more aware of buying american
made stuff. i've been goin' that way for a few years
now....but it's finally got to the point that it's
pretty much always in my mind.
no, that's not true. it's there a lot.
and still, so many times, i forget.
but it's getting better~!

i needed new walking shoes. my feet were gettin' sore.
okay. i want american made. AND let's go wild....
no leather. (i'm vegetarian)....

i found some.
they're kinda um....yucky lookin'.

oh well.
i laughed.
i like goofy shoes.
i like purple, or orange or red, or
glittery or silver or strange....

and these....well.........these were none
of that.

doesn't matter.
i don't care.
this matters more to me.

so i got them.
and i looked at them.
ya know.
they're just shoes.

i put them on.

zakk smirked when he saw them.
just smirked at me.

josh burst out laughing and told
me i needed old lady pants to go with them.

yo looked at me real gently and said 'you know,
they can be cute. you look cute in those mom.'

can we tell which kid is going to make a great

laughin'........and bracin' myself for bob's

so i walked in them.
and you know what???
they felt great. really great.
all the way around great.

who knows...i may have to spray paint them and
put in some fun shoe laces.....
i may have to......

but i did good gettin' these.
and my walk felt that much better.

it's one step towards tryin' to be aware of
what i do with my money. and my gosh, i have
such a long way to go.

but it's a start.
me and my ol' lady shoes.....
we're on our way.

it's all good

when i was a kid, i used to like hangin' out
with the guys so much more than the girls
cause they were so much more fun.

it wasn't til i was grown that i really started
to value girlfriends.

and now...wow....women just knock my socks
off with how cool they are. they make me so glad
i am one!

i got a note today from a very together woman.
who's going thru a very chaotic time. i checked
in with her to see how it's goin.

she described how everything around her was
crumbling, but she was 'deliriously joyful.'
saying it made no sense, but she was.

she said she was losing all the things that
had defined her in the past, and she never felt
so free.

i honestly just felt my whole heart leap for joy
for this woman. i do believe she's finding who
she really is. and i know that she's gonna really
like her, as she's incredible.

it's amazing what it takes to get us there,
sometimes. but wow.....when we get there and grasp
the opportunity! THAT'S so darn cool.

what a journey it is.
it was gray as i walked today. misty.
a memory kinda morning.
memories wandered in and out as i walked.

ALL of it has been good. ALL of it. cause all of
it brought me here.

and i thought of a line in my friend's note this
morning: 'i don't live or die by anything other
than what's contained within me.'

does she know she just put out the wisdom of the
ages in that one short line, in that short paragraph?

'by what's contained within me....' and again
i went to the infinity inside me.....
the journey outside me.....
the mist surrounding me..........

and everything was good.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

a home vid strikes a chord

amazing what can hit sometimes.....

my neighbors send me a vid of their grand daughter
(just entering high school next year)
playing the piano and singing.

it's just recorded on her dad's laptop....
nothing fancy....she's at the piano playing and
she sings...and she sings her heart out.

and i actually got teary.

the youth, the possibilities, the beauty, the
talent, the everything.

it totally got to me.

it brought me to this weird place....
of realizing i had no idea about myself at that
age. had no idea what lay inside, what lay

i hope this girl does. i have a feeling she
has a better grasp than i ever had. and for
that i'm grateful.

i didn't see it when i was young.
i didn't see it when i had grown.

am i gonna just let it pass by my whole life?
the ability to see the beauty of myself?
the possibilities i am?

teary just thinking about it all.

that'd be a darn shame, wouldn't it?

how many of us are just letting that pass
right by us?

i'm thinking i'm not the only one....
and i'm thinking we need to change that.....

a science experiment

i figure it's time to push myself a bit.
really really push myself.

see what i do.

i'm gonna type out a note for myself.
i may have to write something on my hand
for a bit til i get the hang of this.
gonna try it for a week.
one week.

when i hit a situation that i find hard,
frustrating, whatever....one that would make
me close up and do the fear stuff....
i'm gonna try real hard to catch myself and
ask if i'm being trusting, being open,
being who i want to be.

maybe i'll write 'TOW' on my hand.

and if not.....i want to push myself to go a
step further and try.

i don't want to say "make" myself...because
maybe i need the room or something. i want
to show compassion to myself at the same time
i try to push myself.

it's gotta be a balancing act.

i don't want to whip myself into shape....
but i do want to push myself to some lines
that i find hard to get across....

i'm thinking it's time to try.

the trusting thing.....i need to be reminded.
i want that to become more of a habit.
i want all of it to be more of a habit than
the negative stuff that is habit.

and how do you make that happen?
don't you deliberately have to make an effort???

i'm gonna try.
a science experiment.
one week.

starting now.

same dirt, different mountains

another muddled head morning. my walk thoughts
are scattered and harder to focus on...

in the middle of racing thoughts all over the
place, i glanced over at the mountain of dirt
that's in the second construction site up the

it's huge. they've been building it up.

that mountain of dirt has been there for years
now. they keep moving it around, changing the
terrain a bit, and making it look different here
and there. but it's always the same dirt.

as soon as i realized that a shot of a thought
went thru me....

same dirt.
different mountain.

that's your struggles, ter.

it's the same issues, same hang ups, same
insecurities, same dirt....just shaped into
different mountains thru out the years.

that really affected me.

okay, i said.
so what do i do with that???

well, if it's the same stuff, just different
emphasis at different times, you can prolly
learn from what works and what doesn't.

so what's not worked in the past?

right away fear comes to mind.
that hasn't worked.
tightening up.
grasping, clinging.
closing down. (altho, that one's debatable..
it has come in handy at times)
oh doubt's a big one. that never works.

what HAS worked?

that darn stinking trust. that works.
knowing it's all okay.
gratitude. that works magic.


you're looking at a mountain right now that's
discouraging you.....
and you're doin' all the things that don't work.


that's good terri. good planning there.

why go to the things that don't work?

cause they're easier.
i mean, they are.
but not in the long run.
the wear and tear on the psyche isn't easier
by any means.

and the other is so much more fun.

why go to the wrong stuff???
i don't know.
habits, laziness, i just don't know.

but i do know i see it now.
and i'm gonna work on changing that....

and i'm gonna work on leveling the mountains.

when i'm old and gettin' ready to leave this
world, i'd love to look at the terrain of
myself and see that i leveled it out, and built
a field of flowers.....

compassion and tweaking

funny....the newsletter had already landed in my box.
but i was busy, figured i'd check it out later....
and then my friend forwarded me the same newsletter.
ohhhh....hmmmmm maybe it's time for me to check this out.

and yeah. no surprise. perfect timing.
of course.

what i got out of it was to take a break and show
some compassion to myself. i knew i needed to because
tears welled up in my eyes as i read the piece on

and so i did.
i stopped everything, turned to myself and looked
at what i had been wrestling with. told myself that
it was okay. stop wrestling. it was okay to feel
what you feel....and i showed myself some compassion.

it felt so incredibly good.
i soaked it up like a sponge.

why do i needed outside messages to remind me to do
i show it all over the place around me, but to me,
i just forget.

sometimes when something's wrong between me and someone,
all i want is for them to understand my feelings. that's
it. just understand what i'm going thru.

with myself, tho, i'm always tryin' to tweak.
tweak it here and you'll react better....whatever.

when maybe if i just show myself some understanding,
the tweaks will happen naturally.....

hmmmm....what a concept.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

methods of staying sane

i'm honestly not sure i would stay sane if
i didn't walk.
it occurred to me this morning that i have
always walked. my whole life.

i used to walk everywhere.
when i was a kid i opted to walk to elementary
school instead of getting rides.
why would you ride when you'd be inside all day??
i'd walk and look at the sky!
i vividly remember walking to my elementary
school fixated on the sky one day and how it
looked like a big dome overhead that day.
like a cathedral ceiling. i was actually late
cause i got so lost in this~!

when i was in high school i can remember when i
needed to sort thru things on my insides, i'd
pass on taking the bus home with my buds and
i'd walk home alone to think.

on my breaks when i was a mom of young kids,
i'd go walk.

when i was splitting up with my husband, i walked
several times a day!

and now, i honestly think i'd be a different person
if i didn't get the walking in.

everyone needs their own version of a walk.

i was curious what others' versions were. if you feel
like it, post a comment and tell us. i think it would
be cool to read....

and if you don't have something....maybe it's time.
ya think?

lost in the thicket

my head was mass confusion as i walked today.
overload on stuff.
getting nowhere inside.

when what line pops into my head from nowhere.
(i really really wonder where nowhere is.)

'the little girl lost in the thicket.'

just like that.

a weird phrase that just lands in.

yeahhhhhh i think.......
she's not here with me right now....

she's lost in the thicket. that sounds

i get a little teary eyed.
think about all the people who need stuff
from me.....
what about her???

she got lost in the thicket....

what struck me right away about it was
just about half an hour earlier i looked
at myself standing in front of a mirror
and honestly.....not making this up.....
i was like WHO IS THAT?!
i was totally old looking and i didn't see
any spark or youth.
it was a total shocker.
not that i can't look old.
i'm gettin there fast. but i don't usually
look THIS old!
not good.
and i couldn't figure out why i looked like

well...that came to mind as soon as i heard
the lost in the thicket phrase....

that flame, that spark, that youthful stuff...
lost in the thicket.

funny how i can go in and out and up and down,
and lost and found so often....

so....i found her, the little one lost....
and she's sitting on my lap right now.
not sure where that leaves us....we're not dancin'
yet. we're just sittin' and bein'.

and that feels right.

ed, dad, and dancing....

i have a buddy who takes care of her cranky elderly
sick father. i'm thinking she likes my ed stories
as they give her hope someone can get thru to her dad
and touch him? i'm not sure.

but i got to thinking about it.
and i wanted to be sure everyone knew all of me.

ed's (see post below) someone i had no ties to whatsoever.
he was someone ANYONE could have touched because no one
ever really had.

he had an abusive family, lived in an orphanage for a long
time, never had anyone show him they cared. that kinda
thing. easy for me to land in and love.

i couldn't do it with my own dad.
the only way i ever affected how he looked at life was
i seemed to convince him he'd be better off not seeing

i lived 45 minutes away from him and didn't see him for
FOUR YEARS until he died....i saw him as he was dying.
this is all his choice. that's important to see.
he didn't want to see me.

when i post a story like the one below, i am so excited
because it shows me love CAN change things.

but i also know....love CAN'T change other things.

i like to forget that part and go with the exciting part.
but it's not the full story. and the full story is actually
better than just part.

ed said to me 'you wanted to hug the world....'

what's funny about that is that's not quite right.
i want to learn to love.
his wording just sounds cuter.

my dad was a bigger teacher in lessons on loving than
ed. because ed accepts me.

it's my dad who is really teaching me. still.
even after he's been gone for a few years.

but ed is too. just in a much more fun way!!!

the point?
it's not me and what i do.....
because see....if we make it me and what i do, then
we'd have to argue that me being me was enough to make
my father walk away from me.

i don't buy that.
it's what people do with each other.
and it's about what people do with themselves.

it's ed's choice to open to me.
it was my dad's choice to close.

it's my choice to take both those reactions and love
both those men with an open heart.

doesn't mean i've got it down.
but it does mean that's what i want.

when i hit a moment like ed last nite, it feels so
good. it reminds me to keep going and keep believing.
when i hit a low spot about my dad or something else,
there are times i just want to give up.
throw in the towel.

that's the thing tho.....
those low moments are really powerful.
cause when you gather the strength to do it anyway,
to keep being you and to keep opening....
those are really the gold moments.

the ed moments make me dance.

what would be perfect is when i get to the point
where the dad moments make me dance too.

ya know????

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

mister ed

okay it ranked right up there with the top
five best phone calls of my life!

i was feeling incredibly frustrated and crazed.
yes, i am as emotional as i sound.
and i just wanted to ring someone's neck.

i had been putting things in perspective all day.
but it's been that kinda day where i've had to
do that all day. wasn't natural to just HAVE things
in perspective and stay there. i kept working on it.

and then ed called.


i picked up the phone with an enthusiastic
and he says 'hang on.'
i hear him fumblin' around and i grin.
i know what's coming.
he musta got his shakespeare sonnet book.

so he starts reading to me.
starts again.
stumbles a little more.
finishes with 'etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.'
and i burst out laughing.
told him i never heard better shakespeare in my

he laughed.
he laughs more with me now.
it's so fun. it's turned into a real, natural laugh.
i love hearing it.

'i can't hold the book and read at the same time'
he laughs. and then tries with the phone receiver down.
i can hear him....and off he goes.

major delight on my end.
i run to get my copy of the book.
he says 'let's start with the first one.'
and then i have no idea which one he plowed into.
it wasn't the first one.

i just smiled and loved it.
told him he made my whole nite and to call me
anytime to read to me.
he said something cute about wishing he were younger...

but then....he told me this....
he told me i changed his whole outlook on life.

i'm crying as i type this.

he really did.
i asked him what he meant.

he said he used to be cynical, and hard, and not
caring....but he was different now. he had a different
outlook on life. he felt more positive and involved.

and he said 'well, you told me once you wanted to hug
the world. look what you did.'

i didn't know what to say.

i thanked him for telling me. told him he changed my nite.
and hung up.

called him back.
told him i really really wanted him to know what he did
for me tonite. told him what it meant to me.
and how much he mattered to me.

he said it takes two.


it takes two. and three and four....
it takes us.

if we could all just see this up close and know how
we affect each other. my gosh.

i so want to hold this and never let it go.

i will tho.
i'll drop it.
and goof up and all that stuff.....

but i tell ya........
i feel like a trillion billion million dollars
right now because some ol' guy in cleaveland
read me shakespeare and told me i mattered.

we all do.
we all so so so do.

have you told someone today???

smilin' a happy smile tonite.........

lessons from the pastor...

we were eatin' breakfast and talkin'.
i commented on yo tilling our neighbor's garden.
'that's a big deal you did it, yo. is this
the first year he couldn't?'

the man is 82 years old.

oh no, yo told me.
he COULD do it if he wanted to, he's
just too busy.

i laughed.

and then yo said 'his handshake is so strong,
it almost hurts me to shake his hand.'


i looked at the guys and shook my head.

what is it? i know his diet isn't healthy.
it's that southern fried cooking stuff....
what makes this man just keep goin' and
goin' like he does???

i think it's just the man loves god.
he's a minister.
but he's not just a minister.
the man loves god in every cell of his being.
i mean that.

he will tear up when he's talking of the
goodness of the lord.

now....i don't care what your beliefs are...
HIS are what matter here.

they keep him going and going and going and

once yo came up quietly behind him and said
he was worried about scaring him.
oh no. don't worry.
he can't be scared, he told yo.

and you know what???
i don't think he can be.

i have NEVER met anyone like this.
ever darn cell in his body holds his faith.

josh is convinced the man holds magical
powers because of it. i mean, he's convinced.

i was thinking about it today.

what does every cell in my body believe???

seems like that may be something worth taking
a look at.....

it certainly seems to be working magic for
this man.

perspective part one

i had decided that i was gonna face them.
the construction workers. i'm afraid of
those big guys all over the place. everywhere
i turned, massive hulks of bulky men.

yeah, i know...it could be a good thing...
but um....they gave me the jitters.

well, as soon as i decided for real that
i was gonna do that....face them. even tell
them they scared me if i felt like it,
they've been outta my face. they started
workin' in an area further down.

they've been outta my way.

i thought that was so cool.

the timing was amazing.
i totally was ready to face my fear, and it
moved on.


a neighbor called the other day lookin' for
the boys to help with something. i answered.
he told me he saw me walking and he was concerned
for me. so he prayed for me. (he's a minister.
praying is his natural way of helping.)

i laughed and told him that i had all those
construction workers lookin' out for me so there
were no worries.

he said yes, there were a lot of them.

i laughed. i was surprised i didn't say someting
about being afraid of all those guys. no....
i just naturally said they'd take care of me.

later i thought...ya know...i'm gonna change those
guys into my angels. that's what i'm gonna do.

i finally had the opportunity to speak to one this
morning. same sweet guy i talked to before. i stood
close to him and looked at him and joked with him.

i walked away thinking....why?
why am i so afraid of these guys??

they're big, yes.
they can crush me, yes.
but this guy just twinkled.
he actually crinkled his face and twinkled.

kinda like an angel might do.


it's ALL perspective isn't it???

perspective part 2

if it's all perspective,
then the thing to do would to work on those,
wouldn't it??

i felt heavy in my head this morning.
like a few things were bothering me....but they
were 'head' things....nothing in my heart or my
gut....just things that wouldn't really get out
of my head. weighin' me down.


if it REALLY is perspective....what a perfect
chance to play with that???

and so....
i think of the gift i'm gonna wrap up in a minute.
it's for my neighbor who just had a knee replaced.

my own knee was sore today.i walked slower because
of it. hurt it yesterday. but just a tiny bit.
it works fine.
my knees work fine.
my knees work.
i can walk by the construction workers.
i can walk.

thought of the call i gotta make this morning....
the check in and see how the chemo's goin' call.

oh, yeah...i don't have to endure months and months
of chemo for something that might kill me.

oh yeah.

i thought of the call i need to make tonite....
to a mom who lost her daughter....

oh yeah, i get to go eat breakfast with the apes.

and i get to work with them today.

oh yeah.

suddenly my head doesn't feel so heavy.
for real.
for real.

this stuff floating around in it is hardly

i have a day ahead of me filled with work i love,
people i love...and knees that work.
and angels all around in construction worker clothes.

headin' off to the day with a smile. it really was
that simple to change my perspective.

i know it won't always be that simple...
but i bet a lot of times it is.

Monday, March 23, 2009

toasting love

it's the anniversary of the day that bob and i
decided to be a couple. was a big day for both of us.
neither one of us took it lightly. we had a great
friendship and didn't want to lose that in some
lame attempt at being more...
so we knew it couldn't be a lame attempt.

it's been everything but lame. good, bad, incredible,
amazing, frustrating, maddening, nurturing, hurting,
kind, loving, intense, insane....never lame.

i tried to think of some of the main things i've
learned. and high on the list is acceptance.

you throw a vegetarian and a hunter together,
right there you know there's gonna have to be
some acceptance. you throw an emotional artist and a
logical engineer together, and you start to really wonder.
you throw a very male guy and a very feminine female
together......and you throw up your hands and
yell 'impossible!' at least i have, more than once.

loving someone and allowing them to be who they are
seems like such a beautiful, easy thought.

i gotta say that i haven't always been that good at
it. that i've struggled a lot. i'm a bit embarrassed
to say that i've struggled way way more than he has.
and yes, i continue to struggle.

if someone came up to me and asked advice on having
a loving relationship....that would probably be the
number one thing i'd talk about. that seems to be
the thing that is really teaching me love.


and what's so cool about it is that you can't do it
without a TON of self exploration.

you have to figure out why something bugs you.
what's YOUR deal with it? why the reaction?
and then you have to figure out if it's something
that you can resolve yourself inside you, if you
need to go to your partner for help, or if you really
need to tweak something between you.

self responsibility.
seeing yourself clearly.
owning your own stuff.
valuing yourself enough to put it out there if you
feel that's the thing to do.
valuing your partner enough to accept it if that's
the correct thing to do.
respecting your partner enough to allow them to be
who they are.

there's a ton of stuff mixed up in it.
and it's all good. and it all leads to healthy
individuals and healthy couples.....

that's where i'd go.

then i'd smile and say 'it'll be harder than you can

cause it's not about your partner.
it's about you.
and what's goin' on inside of you.
and if you can figure that out........you can
find acceptance.
acceptance of both you and them.

maybe that's what i'm figurin' out.
loving someone is so intricately combined with loving
yourself that you can't have one without the other.

and i'm thinking that anyone who finds this easy isn't
really looking....

when i first met him, i didn't believe in love anymore.
now...years later i feel like i'm just now taking the
first steps in to what it really is.....

toasting love today!

Sunday, March 22, 2009


yesterday afternoon i found myself sitting
outside havin' a drink with bob and josh.

i was havin' my favorite drink.
and i was in a good mood, aware that what
was happening right then was precious.
not just the drink, altho that really was...
but the company.
i sipped every sip slowly and loved every
bit of it. both the drink and the company.

i read on the label (of the drink, not the
company) that it is an
'enticing source of wonder, inspiration
and antioxidants.'

i laughed and said that's why it's so delicious.
and i meant BOTH the drink and the company!

we talked about serious stuff, we talked about
goofy stuff, and we talked about weird stuff.
and i so treasured the time with the two of them.

later that nite, i sat in the living room with
all the guys. we had saved up some stuff during
the week we had wanted to talk about when we all
gathered. so there was plenty of conversation and
bantering goin' on.

i snuggled in on the couch and again, drank it in.

i remembered something bob had said earlier.
something like........when you're in your twenties,
you're invincible and you have forever. what's yours,
you take possession of, you own. i'm not there anymore.
i know how fleeting it all is. it's all a gift now.
every single day is a gift.'

i pulled up the cozy blanket and listened to my guys
jokin' around.

i knew how fleeting it all was....and i knew what a gift
it was.....and i sat back and let it fill my heart....

sunday's tidbit

a sunday morning book tidbit.
again from 'my grandfather's blessings.'

'sometimes we live in ways that are too small,
and in places that focus and develop only a
part of who we are. when we do, the life in us
may become squeezed into a shape that is not
our own. we may not even realize that this is
so. despite this, something deep in us that holds
our integrity inviolate will find ways to remind
us of the breadth and depth of the life in us
and assert its wholeness.

....it may take many years before we can draw
the sword from the stone personally and know
who we are. before this time, our integrity
may reach out without our knowing to parts of
ourselves that have been denied and disowned,
to feed them and strengthen them until we can
come back for them.'



mary posted the question if you can be any
instrument in the orchestra, which would you be?

oh man.
which would you be?
do you know right off?

my first thought was a violin.
they just make me weep.

then, i don't know, sometimes i'm so way
a flute. and then there's piano days...

definitely cello moments.......

then it kinda dawned on me......
we're all of them, aren't we?
just different ones at different times.

maybe just different ones solo,
but they're all in the background all
the time.

ya think???

so what if you look at it that way.

okay. i'm havin' a cello moment.
but instead of lettin' the cello take over
the whole day.....you let the music of
all the instruments come thru.

sometimes i think i need to work on that
more. a lot more.

i'll just hear a cello....
i'm thinking that's my sad mood.
and i'll forget the flute playin' in
the background......

and that is too important not to notice.
it balances the whole musical piece.

oh ho ho ho.

well, this is gonna be fun to play with
all day.

thanks, mary!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

tuning the orchestra.....

it's weekend tidbit time!
here's something i read last nite in
'my grandfather's blessing' that i really
liked. want to keep this in mind forever.

she's explaining/quoting what a client once
told her.

reclaiming his integrity reminds him of the moment
before the concert when the concertmaster asks
the oboist to sound an A. 'at first there is chaos
and noise as all the parts of the orchestra try to
align themselves with the note. but each instrument
moves closer and closer to it, the noise diminishes
and when they all finally sound it together, there
is a moment of rest, of homecoming.

'that is how it feels to me. i am always tuning my
orchestra. somewhere deep inside there is a sound
that is mine alone, and i struggle daily to hear it
and tune my life to it. sometimes there are people
and situations that help me to hear my note more
clearly; other times, people and situations make it
harder for me to hear. a lot depends on my commitment
to listening and my intention to stay coherent with
this note. it is only when my life is tuned to my
note that i can play life's mysterious and holy
music without tainting it with my own discordance,
my own bitterness, resentment, agendas, fears.'

wow and wow.
off to tune my orchestra........

Friday, March 20, 2009

toastin' friends tonite!

she's the best.
she doesn't know it.
but she is.
and i appreciate her soooo much!

when i get stuck, muddled, confounded,
and/or lost, i email her and dump.

she's always right there for me with
nurturing wisdom. it's amazing to me
how i feel so much better after i get
a note back.

i look for them, wait for them, hold my
breath for them.

she was there for me again today.

i couldn't get something straight.....

here's some of the bottom lines that she
handed me today.....

there is no one answer. it will change daily
or by the moment. i just need to follow my
heart as i go along. there's no one answer
that will fix this for me. trust my heart.

sometimes it's good to offer yourself to people
who can't/won't accept it, and sometimes it's
good to say 'nope, not throwing pearls to swine

don't look for what people can't give you.

take care of yourself. take extra care when you're
already dealing with big stuff. you don't need to
deal with all of them at once.

i thought all those things were really good and
worth throwin' out there for us all.

she's also forever reminding me of the different
personality types and how different people react
and see things so incredibly differently.

sometimes that's a really hard one for me to hold.

i really don't know what i'd do without them!
and sometimes i wonder if i'd stay sane without
this particular buddy of mine.....
i'd sure feel a lot more lost.

toastin' friends tonite!

happy gifts

he's the old guy, right?
the crusty one with the sailor mouth who
reads shakespeare over the phone to me...

the one who spent most of his life at sea...
and never knew much love....

so i sent him a book on oceans.
with photos of the waves and the sea......
big ol' book full of pictures.
figured there'd be something in there that would
spark fond memories.

i had no idea.

i got a message on my answering machine yesterday.....
he got the book.

i don't know if it's his cleveland accent, or
the way he said it over and over and over again...

but he kept saying the book was 'beautiful.'
i grinned every time i heard him say that word.
he put his whole darn soul into it. i felt like
he was bending into the word....

i called him back.
he said it again.
i smiled wide.

he said pictures in there brought tears to his
eyes and 'he wasn't an emotional guy.'

i was so pleased.
so tickled.

i saved the recording. i want to keep it.

it's fun to do things for other people, but when
you know you hit some spot inside that makes them
bend into the words to describe it...
ohhhhhhh man.
that is beyond fun.
THAT is the gift of the whole deal.
not any ol' book.

i keep thinking of that as i wrap up his shakespeare
sonnet book to mail his way.

got us both the same book of sonnets.
i thought it'd be fun to read them back and forth
to each other.

i gotta tell ya, i never read shakespeare out loud
before! how fun will this be?!

this man has no idea how much happiness he's
put into my life......

grinnin' like a kid just thinking of it all......


the subject of lightness and darkness is
spinning inside me. i'm gonna let it spin a bit
and see if anything comes up....

i want light in my life.
not dark.
the icky kinda dark.

i want goodness and light.
i want to surround myself with that
and grow that.

thing is......
life isn't all goodness and light.

i can deal with that.
if it's my OWN icky darkness.

but what if it's someone else's and they
need a buddy?
and what if i've tried to be a buddy but
find it really really hard.
maybe beyond me.
not sure.
maybe to my detriment.

oh yes, if it's to your detriment, what
are you doing?

easy to say.
but it's all complicated.

how do you know if it's to your detriment.
maybe it's growing you.
maybe the hardest challenges grow you.

i can't figure this out.
not gonna figure it out today.
just throwing it out here as i think
it's an interesting topic.

how does darkness change?
doesn't it need the light?

how does light stay bright?
does it need the darkness?
or does it just accept the darkness??

acceptance has got to be key here.

and just typing here i see that i don't.
or i accept, just leave me alone and be
like that over there.

hmmmm.....what is it you want out of life?
and how does this lead to it?


questions and answers

what a morning!
my colors outside! silvery blues that
i love in the sky!
a chill in the air that's perfect....

got to my goodmorningworld spot and
actually sat down on the guard rail.
plunked myself down. pulled out my seed
that i've been carryin' and my love note
and read the note to myself.

then looked up at the sky and repeated
the note.

and then thought about what i could do
loving for myself today.

that felt kinda good as it turns out that
i walked into an inner struggle last nite
and i don't know what to do with it.

so asking myself how i'd handle it and show
love to myself at the same time, felt like
a relief.

i still don't know what to do.
but when i asked myself what i could do
loving for myself today, i came up with
the idea that i don't have to figure it
all out today, and i can actually put it
aside and enjoy the day!

turned to walk home and i thought 'first thing
i can do loving is feel this breeze.'

and i just closed my eyes for a moment as i walked...
not too long as i'm clumsy, i would walk into a
tree! and i felt the breeze on my face......
all the way home i enjoyed that.

i have a ton of fun stuff goin' on today.
i'm gonna live in those moments and enjoy.
i'm not gonna take something i can't figure out
and have it weigh all over them.

and i'm gonna try to remember to ask myself today...
what is it you're doing loving for yourself?

that's such a good question.

have you asked it lately?
better yet......have you answered it lately???

off to answer it......

Thursday, March 19, 2009

space makers

i talked to him this morning and told
him how much last nite meant to me.
i heard my voice choke up as i tried to tell
him the feeling that came over me later.
that i'd be okay.

he softly reminded me that i AM okay.

i told him i couldn't do it without him and
what he does for me.

and i started talkin' about the space he makes
for me.

space to wobble.
space to question and wonder.
space to learn.

and if i wander too far, he calls me back.
sometimes gently, sometimes not so gently.

i'm kinda thinking space making is THE most important
thing we can do for someone.

i've talked about it before.
it intrigues me.

i've known i've done it for people, but don't
think much of it, ya know?
until i think of what it means to me.

it matters.
a ton.

it allows my growth.

what more can you do for someone than to allow
their growth?

and what all are you saying when you do that???

i love you.
i love who you are.
i believe in you.
i believe in your capacity to grow.
you matter enough for me not to control you.
you matter enough for me to just watch and know.

and maybe.....it teaches both people about the wonder
of life.......the wonders of love......


i've been bouncin' on the trampoline lately
as it's too muddy outside to jump rope.
i've forgotten how much i love that. it's
soooo fun. and it just wakes you up and
makes you feel so good.

i had stopped as i was brilliant at some
point and started jumping with weights and
hurt my back....sigh.
anyway...i figure if i tone down the brilliance
and just jump, i'll be fine.

was headin' to do it, when i got sidetracked in
yo's room. he whispered good morning as i walked
by. all dark in his room. so i crept in, sat
down and said hello.

pretty soon zakkie bean stumbled in.
i've been teasin' him about his snowman pants
pajamas. i started right in again this morning.
he sat down next to me and we all just hung out.

i know a moment when i see one. so i didn't go
exercise. figured i'd do that after the walk....
i stayed and hung out.

and in one little room, in the dark, with two
big apes....i saw such light.
such love.

sometimes i think it matters so much just to sit
and look at it. watch it. hold it. know it.
and then...thank the universe for it.

when i finally did find myself jumpin' on that
trampoline, i thought of the guys, and all i had.
i heard the music, i felt my movements,the fact
that i could bounce away on this thing and feel
healthy....and i just about burst with good things.

to know it.
see it.
hold it.

and then.......to dance with joy about it.
that's the part i want to do today.

dance with joy about it!

feelin' groovy.....

headed out for my walk.
practically skipped the whole way.
beautiful spring morning...everything just
waking up.

i felt so good about stuff that i just
was plain ol' happy as i walked.

tried seein' my visual...
butterfly woman's face.

piece of cake.
easy peasy this morning.

go figure.
it's been such work.

thing is..it's hard for me to keep it.
i can get there....but hard for me to hold it.

i not only caught her eyes again...
my eyes again...
how do you say that???

she crinkled at me.


if i give you the ol' eye crinkle, it's a
good thing. a very good thing.
warm and loving and comfortable with you.

and i got the ol' eye crinkle.

i'm thinking this is really goin' well.

i'm thinking i earned some trust last nite.

and i'm thinking this is so odd and hard to
describe and talk about....

learning to trust myself.....

go figure.

who knew there was all this stuff to do???

well....i sure didn't.....
but i'm likin' it and feelin' downright groovy
this morning.....

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


oh wow.

i typed the blog below and typed the line
'then yeah, i knew he can love me'
and instead of typing 'love' i typed...

are you ready???


oh wow.

loving me/leaving me.....


just a bit of history/baggage screamin' out
there, huh?

thought it was incredibly insightful....

still a lotta work ahead.....

am i worth loving?


it happened today.

first time in my entire life....

okay. if you haven't read the
butterfly woman blog that will help this blog
make sense....

it was the looking in her eyes part.
that has touched me so profoundly that i can't
even describe it.

and this morning as i walked i asked my self
so what? what was i gonna do with this? i'm tryin'
to see the eyes more. for what, i wondered.
what would i do with that???

tonite i did something.

i found myself in the most interesting conversation
with bob. but it took a turn. a turn where i would
normally go to a dark spot.
an 'i'm not worth it spot.' i'm not worth loving.
how could he love me. that spot.

and i started to go there....
and then i remembered the eyes.
her eyes.
my eyes.

and i stopped.

if bob can see even just a bit of what i saw...
if he sees even just a bit of that in me...
of what i saw in her...in me...
then, yeah, i knew he could love me.

i knew i was worth it.

i knew it.


and i realized those eyes....what i saw
the other day....that's the start of what's
gonna pull me to the other side. what's
gonna get me where i need to go...

i took a shower and thought of it all.
drying off, i buried my face in my towel...
and i cried.

a good cry. a deep cry.

an 'i'm gonna be okay' cry.

one baby step at a time.

but tonite, for this moment....i can say it.
i am worth loving.
and i can mean it.

i'll drop that and lose it. and pick it up again
and know it. and drop it again....

but i've held it for the first time now.
and that's the hard part.

i debated putting this up here....
but i wanted to in case there's anyone else
reading struggling with being worth it....

yeah, you are.

look in your eyes and see....


i go to her blog to follow her life with
her sick husband....
real sick.
real real sick.

i follow how they are and how she's coping
and i hold them in my heart.

i so hold them in my heart.

she posted about him looking gray.

odd how 'gray' totally got me.

and scared me for them.

and always after i've read her posts,
i am reminded of my own health.

when's the last time you looked in the
mirror and felt gratitude that your face
was a healthy color?

i'm not sure i ever have.

i will today.

and as i look at different faces today,
i will appreciate the colors.

sometimes i love gray.
sometimes it scares the daylights outta me...

i so wish i could hand them both some color........

how you do anything is how you do everything....

that's one of my favorite thoughts...
'how you do anything is how you do

i love that.

i just dropped josh an email with that
as the subject line....he has that on
the back of his business card.....

he doesn't know how amazing he is, so
i thought i'd tell him. again.

he came runnin' thru. wanted to grab some
plants from the yard before they ripped
them outta the ground (by the street

he came in so full of energy and zest.
he's gonna be elvis on friday at some
local fashion show.

josh as elvis with 400 women. he's soooooo

when he finished grabbin' the plants, he
ran off to the library....was gonna grab some
elvis vids so he can learn how to be elvis.

laughin' over here as i work.

he is the most enthusiastic person i've ever

he hasn't a clue how wonderful he is.
totally blind to it....
i try to tell him whenever i can......

he inspires me constantly.

i thought of how he does stuff....
he throws himself in whole heartedly and just
goes with it.....

he's got me thinking......

how do i do anything?

how do you do anything?

it's a great question, isn't it?

cause...um......it's how we do everything.........

ah! ha! ho! ho!

i am soooo excited!

years and years ago when the kids were tiny,
i would go get my twenty minutes a day to myself
in the shower.....their dad would watch them,
i'd go in and put on this incredible song and
play the song over and over and over again and
sing at the top of my lungs.

it's a song called 'rainbow woman' and it's
more like a prayer. i used it as a prayer anyway.

it's a prayer asking 'rainbow woman' to come
and show me the beauty inside me.

oh man.

first of all......
this was YEARS ago and i was doin' that......
some things never change.
i am getting the biggest kick out of that.

and yet they do!
because SO MUCH has changed since i last listened
to that song........

well, ever since the talk of 'butterfly woman'
the rainbow woman song has been tuggin' on me.

i looked one day for it on the computer.
saw it in a version i didn't like.
got distracted.

that kinda thing.

then one day i looked over right by my calculator
and there was the tape that i got the song from
in the first place.

right there by my calculator on my desk.

no kidding.

the original tape.
from at least ten years ago....

right there.

now, yeah, i musta put it there......but
i can't remember doin' that!!!!!!

(hmmmmmmmm.......eyebrow cocked.........)

i grabbed the tape, ran to my tech man, zakk.

asked him and yo if they remembered me singing
in the shower with it. yo said yeah, zakk said

until he heard the song.
he said the minute he heard it, he remembered.

zakk made a recording for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

josh walked in, heard three notes of the flute
i said 'name that tune!' and he did. right there.
he hadn't heard me talk about it at all. he just
knew. 'rainbow woman' he said without hesitating.

i couldn't believe it.

i am sooooo excited! gonna take a shower this
afternoon just to hear it. then another tonite!
got it on my puter too!

my copy is pretty bad right now....when i get a good
clear one, i'll share.....but for now i'll just tell
you about it....

some of the words:
shining being eternally wise, dancing across the
ancient skies.
rainbow woman please come.
bring your healing light to me.
rainbow woman please come.
restore the beauty in me.

it's a prayer.
a prayer that reaches right into my depths.

all those years ago i was praying....
and now......now.......
i feel so ready for things to happen.

expecting wonders....

i was standing up to leave.
hugging someone else goodbye,
turned to her to hug her and she
said 'i have a present for you.'

i smiled big.
and she opens the palm of her hand
into my palm and gently lays this big
ol' seed in my hand.

i don't know what this is a seed to...
but it's to something big.
and on it is a quote:
'i have great faith in a seed...i am
prepared to expect wonders.'
(henry david thoreau)

this thing takes up the whole palm of my
hand. it's slightly heart shaped, dark brown,
and the perfect thing to hold on to when you're
tryin' really hard to love yourself.

i've been taking it on my walks.
when i get to my goodmorningworld spot, i hold
it tight and tell myself that i love myself.

this telling yourself that you love yourself
is way hard. i can say the words. but they're
just words. it takes a lotta work to try to get
some kinda realness out of it all.

the seed helps.
i hold tight and keep tryin' til i can feel it.

this morning i turned back home and held the
seed the whole way.

i kept thinking that i have no idea what's
ahead for me. but i'm feelin' like it's an
important time for me..

i am prepared to expect wonders.

no answers

way foggy out.
i mean WAY foggy out.
foggiest i remember seein' in a long

too foggy to face my fears and meet a construction
worker. i couldn't see any of 'em!

that was kinda nice too.

i felt like i was walkin' in another country.
scotland, maybe. yeah. scotland. that's what
i picked. and so i walked around scotland a bit
this morning....

thought about butterfly woman. tried to see her
eyes. this is hard. only tiny really quick glimpses.
this is gonna be a big deal for me. hard to

i wondered what i do with it once i really can
touch it.

how does it affect my days?
what's different about how i live?
what will feel different?

will i be more aware?
more open?

why is it i want to touch this?

i know i have to.
and i know i'm going to.
but what do i do with it then???

and so i walked and asked......

no answers.
just questions.
but that's okay.......

as rilke says, i'm gonna live myself into the


they sat across the booth from me.
both with their arms on the table
exactly the same. they didn't know.
but i noticed.
they were incredibly alike in some ways.

and then they started teasing.
exactly the same.
with the same facial expressions.

somehow they started on the devil
wanting my guy's soul. my guy turned
to his son......'why would the devil
want MY soul?'

his son squints at him and says quietly...
'that's what the devil does. he likes souls.'

my guy looks sideways at me across the table.
hmmmmm....he squints.
'i AM dating an angel.'

his son looks sideways at me just like his pop.
squints and says 'hmmmmm.....that makes your soul
all the more valuable'

again the sideways look from my guy...
'he could get close to the angel thru my soul...'

again with his son copying the look....
'it would be good for him.'

my guy turns his sideways look to his son...
'that's sick.'

his son turns his sideways look towards his
dad 'it IS the devil.'

i just burst out laughing.

how did they do that???

they never even knew how alike they were.
they never even knew what an incredible
rhythm they had goin'.

they were like clones and they had no idea.

all the tough spots, all the pain, all the
hurt between them vanished for a few moments
in the bantering. they were family. with that
family rhythm and timing and copying that only
family can do.

and i knew that things were gettin' way better
as they never could have pulled off the natural
imitating joking thing without it getting better.

it's funny how some of the stupidest moments
are the most profound.

i watched them across that table and relished
every second of it.

it's been a long road.
about time we took a turn in the right direction...

by the time we left, we had hit another hurdle.
actually, more than one.

but progress had been made......
and that in itself felt good. i'm just gonna hold
that for a bit before we try the next hurdle...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

reluctant love....

funny.......zakk's got some song on that's
sayin' 'i ain't not nice guy after all'
and i thought of myself......

ya know, i'm not the sweetie pie that
a lotta people think i am.....i don't
always just love so freely and easily.....

i gotta do some reachin' out.
have had to do it for a bit now.
and i just haven't been able to.

a young man needs some help. some guidance.
some love.
and he's one tough cookie to give it to.
i've done so, over and over again.
and i've gotten hurt over and over again.
i've also gotten good things out of it......
it's been one heck of a road. some good.
a lot hard.

i took a break from him.
have no idea how to deal with him.
no idea how to be open to him right now.

i've been tellin' myself that's okay.
that i needed the break. that i can only give
so much. that i just didn't have it inside me.

tonite i meet up with his brother who also needs
some support and love.
and that's why i'm goin'.
i want him to know he matters and i care.

in thinking of tonite, i know i have to see the
other one really soon. i have to touch in.
i have to look at him and love him........

it's so hard for me to believe it's that hard for
me to give love to kid. just a kid.
it sounds so easy.
sounds so wrong that i can't do it just like that.
that i have to muster up my strength to go do it....

i sit here and think of why.
i guess cause he's hurt me a lot.
thing is......
he's been hurt a whole lot more than i ever have.....

maybe it's time for me to reach beyond my own pain
and once more go touch his pain......

i'll start with his brother tonite....and then move
on to him in the next few days.....

where did i ever get the idea that love was easy???

repressed parts

so i'm reading that at midlife you kinda hit
a point where you need to come to terms with
all those hidden parts of yourself.
you have to touch the repressed stuff and
sift thru it.
the author was quick to explain that you
can't just dive in and let it all out....
it has to be controlled and balanced, but it
does need to be touched and explored.

so i've been kinda toyin' with the whole
idea of repressed stuff.

what have i repressed?

what have you repressed?

what have we all repressed??

different friends of mine question me
about my anger enough for me to notice it.

they say i don't seem to have much.

i thought i had plenty.

but i do know a lot of that's been locked

so i've been wanting to look at that...

almost every woman i know has had some kinda
sexual abuse incident in their lives. it's
i am no exception.
what part does that play in it all?

one day while working in my studio, without
being anywhere close to thinking about when
i was a child and was molested....it wasn't
on my mind....i hadn't been thinking of it in
the days prior....
a thought landed in my head.
out of nowhere.

'that's when you figured out you didn't matter.'

just like that.
i even stopped what i was doin' and looked up.

but i heard it.
and i knew what it meant.

that moment so many years ago affected me profoundly.
i'm sure there's sexual repressions involved with
that....but not just sexual....

if it's when you feel you are told you don't matter...
how many different things get shoved down because of

if you believe you don't matter, what do you hide

what if you believe you're different and don't fit in?
then what do you hide away? what parts of you do you
cover so others won't see how different you really are??

oh man.

as i thought about this it almost got to be too much.
i musta repressed most of me!!!!

here's the part that tickles me......
i want to go retrieve those parts.

i want to become more of who i am.

as i typed that a little tiny shot of fear ran thru me.

the fear of rejection.
you hide it away so as not to be rejected.

you pull it out and what???



i don't know.......
but i don't think i have a choice at this point.
i think i've gone too far to turn back now......

facing my fear

so i walked.
and i happened to be a few minutes early.
the time the construction crew gathers
in a circle just down the road.
they're off the road a bit, so they're
not in my way.
it's just that they are so close. and
there's so many of them.
and they're all so big and neanderthal like.

honestly, when they gather like that, i feel
like a tiny tiny squishable thing next to them.

on good days, i'll glance over and wave.
maybe say 'mornin'....on shy days i just kinda
keep goin'.

this morning i was feelin' kinda shy.

okay. good.
now. past them, i can get lost in my thoughts.

nooooo...they're all over the place.
drivin' by.
one drives by slow and says hello.
he absolutely made me jumpy.
he was so big.
he looked like hulk hogan.

and he seems so darn different than i am.

well, they're drivin' up to the other construction
spot i walk by. oh man.
and there they all are. right on the edge of the

i gotta do this twice.

i am not lost in thought. i can't get to where
i usually get as there's neanderthals everywhere.
i'm tryin' to figure out why all these really
big guys scare me so much.

maybe because if they wanted to, they could really
hurt me.
oh yeah.
maybe that's it.

i walk by. say hello.
get to my goodmorningworld spot and pull out
this really cool seed a friend just gave me.
hold the seed in my hand and concentrate on my
new morning ritual of tuning in to myself and
loving me....

then i turn back to the burly men.

just two standing there now.
these two i feel a little more comfortable with.

a car drives by, i get out of the way.
one of the men jokes, good naturedly 'aren't you
afraid to walk on this road?'
i look at him, smile and say 'why because of all
the big guys all on it?'
and he laughs and says 'no. the cars drive crazy!'

the cars???
oh man.
if he only knew how much scarier he is to me than
a car.

so okay.

i'm walkin' and thinking.
i gotta make friends with these guys.
i gotta get to know their names.
tell them mine.

i almost turned back to talk to these two...
thought better of it.

pictured myself walkin' up to the morning circle
of men and telling them they kinda make me nervous
so i thought i'd come meet them.

maybe i will.....
i gotta do something.
they're part of my neighborhood now.
i think it's time to learn their names.
and get over this fear.

and then i smiled.
this is fear personified!
this if facing your fear in real life form.
i mean, it's not just in my head.
i can actually physically walk up to them
and say.....you scare me. and i want that to
stop and i want to say hello.

how cool would that be???

can i do it?
maybe one at a time....
maybe all at once......

maybe not at all.


we shall see............

Monday, March 16, 2009

jonathan and his missing site....

my buddy jonathan got his website stolen.


he asked me to post his link out there

so, i am doing so.

he tells you what to do if you get stolen.
may want to tuck that away for the future.

life is weird.
cyber space is weirder.

butterfly woman bone sigh

in a darkness that wasn't scary,
she glittered and intrigued me,
seeing women of the ages in her profile.
she turned her eyes towards me.
i saw my own eyes.
and my world shook.

past the barriers

lifting her face towards me,
our eyes locked.
the same eyes.
the same being.
reaching past the barriers
to claim our oneness,
we took our first steps toward wholeness.


her hand touched mine.
darkness and light holding each other.
loving each other.
needing each other.
touching, we being to say hello.

her eyes/my eyes

the lines around her eyes pulled me in.
the depths of the blue opened.
i fell thru the universe.
and touched my soul.

and the sky turned pink....

to be fair.
i do realize that things happen because they're
happening, and not everything is aimed at me.
i really do.

when i walked today and a tree dropped a gumball
right at my feet, i took it as a gift from the tree.
i stopped. picked it up. looked at it. looked up
at the tree. thanked the tree. and kept goin'.
yeah. that was for me.

but the sky turning pink this morning.....i really
do know it does that in the mornings. it's not just
for me.

the timing, however, musta been for me this morning.

i was at my goodmorningworld spot and i was doin' my
now daily ritual of reminding myself that i love me.
that is so much harder than you'd think, and takes
a great deal more concentration than you'd think....
and as i stood there and worked on it, the sky turned
pink. all around me.


yes, i noticed.
and yes, i thought......wow.....look at what love
can do!

i smiled and turned for home......

the yin yang tree and me

i prolly shouldn't be reading this book...
the one on midlife that not only says i'm
not crazy, but she says i'm SUPPOSED to be
doin' all this wanderin, wonderin', and
she's eggin' me on big time.

i'm seein' a tiny glimmer here, a really
big flash there, a pull over this way...
stuff is happening to me...and i'm goin'
with it.

on my walk today i stopped right in mid stride
as i approached a tree that was wet on one
side, dry on the other. a yin yang tree.
i just stopped and looked at it.

thought 'that's me.'
the different parts right now.

the dark and the light.
the good and the bad.
the past and the now.
the memories and the dreams of the future.
the fear and the courage.
the whole deal.

thing i want to do is mix it better than
that tree trunk did.
that tree trunk was divided.
one side was this.
one side was that.

i want to be the whole big swirl of this and
that and have it a really good thing.

i think what i've done up til now is have this
really big swirl....but not had it such a good
thing.....incomplete, for sure...
more fighting the dark parts.
more hiding certain parts away.
more power to fear than love.
that kinda thing.....

this book is talkin' about gettin' in touch
with some of those parts we've repressed, tucked
away, hidden......
gettin' in touch with it all, and awakening
to who we really are.

so i walked and thought of all of that.
touched in on the 'butterfly woman' side of me.
want to touch in on her every day if i can....

had a wonderful visual of her with me as i walked.
it was so cool that i realized i was walkin'
down the road with a big smile on my face....

if anyone had any idea what was goin' on in my
mind, they woulda ran the other way....
but i don't know...i'm kinda thinking i have to
keep runnin' with it.

i'm feelin' something happening.......

and it's makin' me very excited.......

Sunday, March 15, 2009

a dream

i found myself stumbling thru some old emails
last nite. the ones from 'the explosion years.'
as i bumped into them, i debated.
do i really want to stir up that pot??

i did it gently...
just peeked here and there.

turned out it was good for me.
i actually saw that i was a whole lot stronger
than i knew.

i think it was the first time in my life i ever
drew lines and stood up for myself and while i
was pretty shaky inside, the words still came out

it was kinda cool to see.

but i also figured i was stirrin' up dreams as
it was close to bedtime.

that turned out to be a good thing too.....

dreamed someone in my family called me and was
livid with me. told me some guys were after me,
told me he did his job by warning me, but started
to go on about how i deserved what i got.

first gold nugget from the dream....

at first i tried to explain i had no idea what
he meant, and i tried to explain myself....when
he wouldn't believe me and started telling me
what i deserved....i hung up.

oh that feels good just remembering that.

i simply hung up and turned to deal with what
i had to deal with.....getting away from the
guys who were after me.

i didn't dwell on needing to explain or accepting
the idea that i deserved bad things....

i went and dealt with what was coming...

as i walked a deserted road with ravines and
such all alone, i was scared they'd find me
before i got myself to safety. had a cell phone
with me and was doin' the dialin' bit.

used to be i couldn't dial a rotary phone fast
enough, or plug in the right numbers to a touch
tone.........now it's the cells in my dreams
that i can't dial right.

was gonna call someone to help me. to come pick
me up with her car.
and then i realized she'd never be able to pull
it off. too hard for her.
so i called someone who could pull it off.

that's all i remember.

but the big thing....the first person i was gonna
call......she's a key player in the life exploding
days. someone i wanted so much from, and someone
who couldn't give it to me.

in the dream, i just knew she wasn't capable of it.
that's all.
no big deal.
i didn't get mad at her.
i wasn't hurt for life.
i just knew she couldn't do it and went to someone
who could....

who actually, turned out to be bob.

i want to take that into real life with me.

i think i'm pretty much there with her anyway. i seem
to be real close if i'm not.
the dream helped me to really see it.

if someone can't do what you need.....
then they can't do what you need.

go to someone who can.
and don't carry that around forever.
go forward and do what you gotta do to take
care of yourself.

i really really liked that.

gonna be holdin' this dream all day, i think.....

Saturday, March 14, 2009

saturday morning tidbits...

she's coming at the right time and making me
think maybe i'm not insane....

first thing i read this morning....

'once having seen, we cannot unsee.
once having known, we cannot unknow.
what we have become conscious of becomes
an integrated aspect of our personal reality.'

i smiled. and thought of butterfly woman
(see a few posts below)

then there's more....

'knowing the Self requires looking deeply
inside and making that which is unconscious
conscious. but this process requires letting
go of many beliefs that appear to serve us well.
it is necessary to look honestly inside and
understand ourselves in new ways.'

she even quotes jesus: ' if you bring forth
what is within you, what you will have will save
you. if you do not bring forth what is within you,
what you do not bring forth will kill you.'

and finally......the finale for this morning....

'but face our own souls we must. the task of
midlife, for each of us, is to illuminate that
which has been unconscious and to bring light
to the darkness. midlife is the time during which
the unconscious emerges with great power and

i read a few pages this morning and wondered
why i don't make more time for this book......
she's talkin' to me and tellin' me it's okay.

thought i'd share in case she's talkin' to you
(awakening at midlife....kathleen brehony)

Friday, March 13, 2009

another bone sigh...

what's stronger, she asked herself.
the shame or the love?
which will you follow?
which will lead your life?
which will rule your heart?
if it's a no brainer, she told herself,
then act like it.
pick yourself up and know
you are worth loving.

a bone sigh....

lifting the cover of shame and self doubt,
she dropped it on the ground.
stepping into the light she
slowly lifted her head.
this is who i am.
and i am here.
and i am enough.

the light warmed her face
and her heart.

the rules...

i felt the tug to get out.
just get some air.
grocery shop.
i need to anyway.
just get out.

i hate goin' to the grocery store.
but i love bein there.
all that food and me.
it's heaven.

i picked myself up a treat.
honest tea moroccan mint green tea.
i splurged. bought myself a little jar.
oh yes.

kept feeling like there was a reason i
had to get out. more than food. didn't know...

and there, in line with me, was the most
interesting older gentleman. we got to talking
and i know we coulda talked for hours.
ornery, opinionated and full of interesting
stories...a retired navy historian.

oh how i wanted to ask him out for a cup of
coffee. maybe he was why i was there??? he
was totally fascinating.

i knew i couldn't.
that it wouldn't be 'appropriate.'
so i didn't.

and i don't know....that just sucks.
i feel like those rules get so darn in the way.
like so many interesting people are just outside
my grasp because of rules....



i keep playin' by them....
but i miss sooooo much play because of them...

i don't know tho...i threw it out to the universe.
maybe i'll bump into this guy again. maybe at the
coffee shop! grin.
you never know. the universe seems to have its own
set of rules.

that part i like.

oh well......i could say at least i got my tea
treat here....
but um....something went bad with it.
bad bottle.

that's so funny.

better go steal one of the guys' treats!
no rules about that one!

butterfly woman

not sure, but thinking this will make no
sense unless you've read 'touching my insides'
a few posts below....

i gave myself brave points yesterday.
well, i get more this morning. a lot more.
and i'm taking them and holding them.
i'm fighting some inner voices on this one...
but wow....if i'm gonna put something out
there....this should be it....

i've been low. got hit in a hard kinda way
and haven't gotten all the way back up.
walked and tried to figure out how i was feelin.
bruised was about all i could come up with.
lousy. that kinda thing.

got to my goodmorningworldspot and took out my
note...the note that tells myself i love me.
snow's fallin'. i'm tryin' to shield the note
from the snow. and i read it in a whisper to

nothing is sinking in. i close my eyes and say
it to myself concentrating harder.

and then i realize i have to go back to seeing
that visual that i mentioned a few days ago...
the non icky sticky butterfly woman....

i realize that i'm fighting a battle here.
and i have been for years and years and finally
the scales are tipping in the right direction.
i can't let up now.

but i don't want to. i feel bruised, shaken, lousy
and i don't want to.

i think of the times when i was sick and i had to
take care of the boys when they were little. how
hard it was, but how i did it anyway because i had
to. because i loved them more than anything and i
had to.

okay then.i go to the visual.
and i feel sick in my gut and i lift my inner
self to the counter again. she's in the same position
as last time. kinda with her side to me, folded in
on herself, not looking up....

and it hits me.
i never saw her face last time.
i got a feeling, i saw all of her, but her face was
to the side. the things i saw were symbols. i need
to see her face. i know she's me. why can't i see me?

and i realized that for eight years now i've been trying
to see myself. i have been writing bone sigh after bone
sigh about the importance of seeing myself and i haven't
been able to do it.

here it is.
i need to do it.

and i can't.

and then i know......i can't do this alone. she has to
do it with me. and i realize she can't do it without me.
it's got to be together.

we've got to see together. she's got to look at me, and
i have to see her.
and she won't look as she doesn't trust me to see.

i need a longer walk, i take an extra lap around the block...

i'm on the highway i leave my baggage at and i step over a
muddy penny. walk a few steps past it and stop. turn around.
pick it up. that's me. that's what i'm doin' right now.
i'm tryin' to find the shiny penny under the mud.
i take it and slip it in my glove, into the palm of my hand.

holding it tight, i go back to my visual.

i acknowledge that if i see i have to remember.
i acknowledge that i'm not sure i can remember either.
that i'm not sure i can pull off what i need to....
but i will try.

and she turns to me. ever so slowly....

and it's my face in the dark glittery skin kinda look that
she has.

the same gashy thing by the eyebrow because i'm
always crinklin' my face tryin' to figure something out.

the same lines that i've disliked on my face are there on
hers looking like they belong there.

i reach to touch her skin and her hand touches mine. she's
dark, i'm light...i stop and look at the hands. doin' this

and she turns her eyes to mine.

my god.
her eyes.
i cried and i cried and i cried.

they're mine.

i saw her.
i really really saw her.

but so quickly.
and i couldn't get it back.

but we're not done yet.
nah, we've just begun.

i gotta name her...and i guess it's gotta
be butterfly woman.

i don't know what all this means.
i do know that i've been wanting this for
years.....and it's here. and i gotta follow it...

and that putting this out here is hard.
cause it's weird.

and it's me.
and it's all i got.......