butterfly woman

not sure, but thinking this will make no
sense unless you've read 'touching my insides'
a few posts below....

i gave myself brave points yesterday.
well, i get more this morning. a lot more.
and i'm taking them and holding them.
i'm fighting some inner voices on this one...
but wow....if i'm gonna put something out
there....this should be it....

i've been low. got hit in a hard kinda way
and haven't gotten all the way back up.
walked and tried to figure out how i was feelin.
bruised was about all i could come up with.
lousy. that kinda thing.

got to my goodmorningworldspot and took out my
note...the note that tells myself i love me.
snow's fallin'. i'm tryin' to shield the note
from the snow. and i read it in a whisper to
myself.

nothing is sinking in. i close my eyes and say
it to myself concentrating harder.

and then i realize i have to go back to seeing
that visual that i mentioned a few days ago...
the non icky sticky butterfly woman....

i realize that i'm fighting a battle here.
and i have been for years and years and finally
the scales are tipping in the right direction.
i can't let up now.

but i don't want to. i feel bruised, shaken, lousy
and i don't want to.

i think of the times when i was sick and i had to
take care of the boys when they were little. how
hard it was, but how i did it anyway because i had
to. because i loved them more than anything and i
had to.

okay then.i go to the visual.
and i feel sick in my gut and i lift my inner
self to the counter again. she's in the same position
as last time. kinda with her side to me, folded in
on herself, not looking up....

and it hits me.
i never saw her face last time.
i got a feeling, i saw all of her, but her face was
to the side. the things i saw were symbols. i need
to see her face. i know she's me. why can't i see me?

and i realized that for eight years now i've been trying
to see myself. i have been writing bone sigh after bone
sigh about the importance of seeing myself and i haven't
been able to do it.

here it is.
i need to do it.

and i can't.

and then i know......i can't do this alone. she has to
do it with me. and i realize she can't do it without me.
it's got to be together.

we've got to see together. she's got to look at me, and
i have to see her.
and she won't look as she doesn't trust me to see.

i need a longer walk, i take an extra lap around the block...

i'm on the highway i leave my baggage at and i step over a
muddy penny. walk a few steps past it and stop. turn around.
pick it up. that's me. that's what i'm doin' right now.
i'm tryin' to find the shiny penny under the mud.
i take it and slip it in my glove, into the palm of my hand.

holding it tight, i go back to my visual.

i acknowledge that if i see i have to remember.
i acknowledge that i'm not sure i can remember either.
that i'm not sure i can pull off what i need to....
but i will try.

and she turns to me. ever so slowly....

and it's my face in the dark glittery skin kinda look that
she has.

the same gashy thing by the eyebrow because i'm
always crinklin' my face tryin' to figure something out.

the same lines that i've disliked on my face are there on
hers looking like they belong there.

i reach to touch her skin and her hand touches mine. she's
dark, i'm light...i stop and look at the hands. doin' this
together.

and she turns her eyes to mine.

my god.
her eyes.
i cried and i cried and i cried.

they're mine.

i saw her.
i really really saw her.

but so quickly.
and i couldn't get it back.

but we're not done yet.
nah, we've just begun.

i gotta name her...and i guess it's gotta
be butterfly woman.

i don't know what all this means.
i do know that i've been wanting this for
years.....and it's here. and i gotta follow it...

and that putting this out here is hard.
cause it's weird.

and it's me.
and it's all i got.......