Tuesday, December 31, 2013

resolution tag lines...

i think it's kinda cool that all the holiday celebrating ends in a big bang tonite.
it's fun and it's profound all at once...
just feels kinda perfect to me.

resolutions and goals and where i want 2014 to take me have all been on my mind.

thing is tho....it's not just where 2014 will take me, is it?
it's also where *i* will take 2014.

and that's the part that i think i'll be mulling today.

think about this whole last year for a minute.
how there was some great stuff that went so much better than you thought,
how there was some other stuff that just didn't go good at all, and wasn't
what you had figured on. how there were such joys.....and such sorrows.
many disappointments, and many incredible delights.

man, it's a whole big mix, isn't it?

it's always gonna be a whole big mix.
i think if we feel like it's not, we're not really paying attention.

i want to keep that in mind as i sit with my resolutions this year.
and yeah, i'm gonna write some out.
i know a lotta people hate them and see them as a set up for failure.
i like them, because if nothing else, i take time just to sit and think about where
i want to go. and i outline it in some form which feels like the beginnings of a map to me.
and man, i can use any maps i can get.

so while i want to set goals for myself and i want to make some plans and
work on dreams that i have...i think i want to keep a certain theme thru
them all this year. i think that 'full' theme...that 'whole big mix' theme is
something i was starting to really understand last year.....and i want to
carry it thru and include it in my resolutions.

i think i want it to be a little tag line after each hope, dream, goal.

yeah......definitely tag lines this year.
so......after each resolution, i believe i'll include something like this -

 always remembering it's a journey, and how i travel is what matters most.

so an item listed can look like this -

-work on keeping my body healthy with my eating exercising and daily routines,
always remembering it's a journey, and how i travel matters most.

something like that.
yeah.......a tag line.

i like that.
and i think that's the tag line i'll use.

it kinda helps me remember the map is for journeying.......not for the destination.
and that makes me laugh......puts a whole new twist on resolutions.

resolutions to help me keep in mind just how it is i want to travel.
because as far as i can tell - that's what matters.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

resolutions swirling.........

ohmygosh....and the celebrating just keeps goin'....

the holidays are still rockin' over here and will go right on into the new year.
it's been so full with so many different thoughts, feelings and moods...
there's too much to share in one sitting.

so i decided to land back in with this one thought -

it's something that's come to me after being part of many different
gatherings and moments with others.......it's something i think i want to
sit with and work into one of my resolutions for the new year -

to take the whole 'being present' idea just one little slanty step further....

you know the idea already - when you're with someone to try to be fully
present and fully there. to listen and hear them and to look and see them.

not a new concept.
certainly an important one.
one i know i don't do all the time, but one i can do.
i like the idea, and am comfortable with my ability to do it.
it's the mindfulness i gotta work on.
but how about this tiny little twist? - to keep in mind that whoever i'm with
matters to me and i'm grateful they're here.

it's kinda 'understood' in the whole idea of being present and really hearing
and seeing the other person - and yet....i truly believe it's just a little bit of a twist
that can add a ton.

to consciously hold the gratitude for them and to consciously gift them with your
awareness of their value.

this has really grabbed my attention.

think of some of the gatherings you've experienced this holiday season.
think of the ones you felt this, and the ones you didn't.
think of the ones where you offered this, and the ones you didn't.

life changing perhaps?

something to definitely mull about for the coming new year.......

something i totally want to dabble with.
and something i thought worth sharing.....

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

merry christmas!

wanted to offer this for christmas day -
i sent this out to my e-list,
but wanted to share it for anyone not on that list.....

merry christmas!


Tuesday, December 24, 2013

tis the season

thinking about life.
thinking about the season.

because of what i do, i hear a lotta rough stories.
a lot of them.

and man, i tell ya, yesterday my heart was breaking over some of them.

i sat for a bit with some candles and i wondered about it all.

how is it we keep standing thru all the weight sometimes?
how do we keep going?
how is it we get thru really awful things, and later can smile again
and even find ourselves offering christmas gifts to another?

i looked at the candles, thought of the season.
honestly, for me, that's what it's all about.
the ability to do just that..to get back up again..
to know we can get thru the darkness.
to understand the darkness is part of it.
and the hope and the light that it takes to get us back to those places.

it's easy to say pretty words about the light in the darkness.....
but to really sit with that and hold it is quite another thing.

'this is what it's about, terri,' i told myself.
the hope.
the belief in the light.
even when it's so dark.

the holding of it all.
and the knowing that it's sacred.

sometimes that is so hard.

it seems quite fitting that we take some time out to honor
that light....to hold that dark....and to sit with our beliefs.

what an incredible time of year.

i look out the window at the trees reaching up to the heavens,
so quietly, so profound and still....

and i remember why this is my favorite time of year.

Monday, December 23, 2013

inside, outisde, all around

the christmas carol lyrics are jumpin' out at me here and there
and everywhere.

the one part of that line in whatever carol it is, where they sing so strong and moving -
'fall on your knees.......'

that part???
i love that part.

and i was singing that without even any christmas music goin'......
i was just singin' away as i nested and prepared for the holiday.

and i realized something -
the nesting, the preparing, the getting ready all by myself.......
that created some kinda space in me......
and as i did that, i could feel something happening....
it was my way of falling on my knees right then.

somehow, in  a way i can't figure out how to type out,
i was aware of the glory of god -
in a way that was knocking me flat...
and i was so honoring it and so in awe of it,
i was falling on my knees.......only it looked like i was busy workin' around my house.
but it sure wasn't what it looked like.

i loved that thought.

it's like when someone told me that i mediated when i walked.
my eyes got big.
ya think?
oh yeah, they really did think.
and i was tickled.
cause i couldn't do the sit down, cross your legs and meditate kinda thing.
just never could. it's not in me.
but oh yeah, that's right!~ there's all kindsa ways to do things!

i love it when i'm reminded of that.
and as far as falling on your knees,
i really thought there was only one way to do that.
until this moment of mine.

i looked at what had led up to it.
i had been dealing with the darker parts of my holiday season.
we've all got 'em right???
and this time, this year, instead of just tryin' to get thru them,
i tried to face them and work with them.....
and whew. that in itself brought me to my knees.
but in a whole different way.

but i wondered.
i wondered if that hard stuff bringing me to my knees somehow opened me
to be brought to my knees in this different way at this different moment.

i think it had to have had an affect.
because i gave a ton to facing things i didn't want to look at.
i held on tight to believing things i didn't want to lose.
and with all my might i kept the trust.

moments like that have to open spaces inside us.

and here........all by myself, as i nested, and prepared, and sang,
and felt the whirlings inside of me......god popped up.
and i fell on my knees in awe.

only, if you had walked in? you woulda seen something like me spreading
out a table cloth, or putting candles out. no one could tell on the outside.

but man, i sure could tell on the inside.

how cool is that?!

Friday, December 20, 2013

the line that snagged me.....

i grabbed the day to get centered.
nesting and cooking and getting ready for christmas.

i had the christmas carols playing....
and there was that line.

wasn't the first time i noticed it this season -

'and the soul felt its worth....'

it grabbed me again.

i snagged a pen and wrote it down.

and the soul felt its worth.

do you think it always knows?
always knows its worth?
i do.
maybe more than just knows it.
maybe just is it.
what part of us forgets it?
what part of us doesn't believe it?
what part of us won't step into it?

i don't have any great insight about it,
or any profound thought.

just the line and the wondering about it.

i want to know my worth.
really really know it.
and feel it.

all of me.
not just part of me.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

turning back around

oh gosh.
how is it things take so long to settle in and become clear?
i guess i should be thankful that they do finally become clear,
and not dwell on the fact that i feel like a thick headed moron it takes so long.

so okay,
something happened to me a little while ago.
it hurt in a deep deep way.
in a way that closed a door inside me.

i knew that and was okay with the door closing.
i figured it needed to.

but what i didn't know....and yet had some vague sense of -
was that something inside me was really close to dying.
a belief of mine.
a belief that helps to keep my spirit alive.

it finally came to light.
and i saw what was happening.
and at first i was thinking 'okay. fine. die. maybe that's the way it has to be.
just let it all die.'

that's a sucky spot to be in.


who stepped inside me and took over???

thank god i have a friend who kinda stepped back and said in
a disturbed voice 'that doesn't sound like you at all.'


of course my snotty wall popped up.
i hate it when people tell me i don't sound like myself.
what do they know?
how do they know?

and then of course, i understood they were totally right.

so i stopped to think about it.

what would it be like if i rebelled against the whole thing inside me dying concept??
what if i told whatever it was that was killing me to go die instead, and leave me alone!!


and suddenly i understood that life is choices.
and if i choose to let a belief inside of me die that is something i want to believe in,
if i let something inside me that is so important to me die,
then i have no one but me to blame for the certain death of my spirit later down the road.

whether my spirit sings or sobs,
soars or sinks,
dances or dies,
is up to me.

thanking god i was reminded of that today.
and taking one heck of a deep breath and turning back around.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

christmas ghosts......

figured this was the perfect day to write about the christmas ghosts that
keep comin' up for me this season.

i wonder if they do every year, and i'm just really noticing it this time around.

some have passed, like my dad who passed this very day seven years ago.
and some are still here on the planet, but not in my life.

some are good good ghosts that come by and make me smile.
some come and tug at my heart and make me incredibly sad.

it's the whole mix.

a song will come on and whew......they'll be right there.
i'll look at something and bam....they're with me.

tis the season, is it not?

so, what i've been doing is just trying to stay standing when i get hit
from outta the blue, and tryin' to 'stay on course' and not let it all throw me.

but you know what i haven't been doing?

asking them why they're stopping by.

no kidding.
i haven't done that at all.

seems like a no brainer, doesn't it?

but ya see, i didn't realize at first,
but i think i do now....
i'm thinking it's the season of ghosts.......

and that doesn't have to be a bad thing.
not at all.

if i'm gonna have a whole host of guests show up,
i might as well sit down with them one by one and have a cup of eggnog or something.

tis the season.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

toastin' one of my favorite people.....

i think it's the coolest thing that i genuinely admire my sons.
that is just the most wonderful thing for a parent to feel.

and while i could write volumes about all three of them,
it's josh that i was just celebrating.
he came for lunch, it was just him and i,
and i wanted him to know what i was feeling.
so we stopped, and i toasted him.

told him i respected him so much and loved how he lived - really really lived.

what sparked this?

well, i think it began when he was telling me stories a few weeks back about
his songwriting workshop with the homeless. the story that caught my heart the
most happened after the class he offered, where he was jamming on the curb
with a few of the fellas.

some of the things he said - some of the things that stood out for him,
and how he was moved and felt a bit changed driving home.

i think that started it.

actually, no..........now that i think about it, it was his stories of doing street music
down in charlottesville.....and who he met and how he responded to those people.
i think THAT started it. and then it just kept rolling........

i've heard so many of these stories now, that i'd have to be blind not to see this
incredible quality of his - his ability to relate with and be with anyone. it's not just the
scraggly and rough, it's with every kind of person.

i love how he becomes part of wherever he is.
and is so open to what comes his way.
his stories reflect that.
and i so admire him for it.

so when he was coming for lunch and promised to fill me in on his stories
from playing on the psych ward at the VA hospital, i knew i wanted to make
sure we stopped in the middle of it all so i could toast him.

his stories didn't disappoint.
i think possibly because they're wrapped up in a sincere gratitude for being
able to do what he does. he's as grateful for the people he meets as they are of him.

and THAT tops it all off.

in a sense i want to be more like josh when i grow up.
since he's an extrovert, and i'm an introvert, there's a lotta ways that wouldn't work out.
but the being open to what comes along,
the being receptive to every human being who crosses your path,
to the holding of the sensitive in the middle of the profane......
and to giving your all wherever you go........
those are things i want to do like josh does!

so once again, i'm toasting josh!
and thanking the stars i get to be his mom!

Monday, December 16, 2013

a new thought for me........

i have a thought kinda starting in my mind,
i'd like to begin playing with.

think of a problem you have that you can't really share with anyone.
i'm guessin' you've got one.

i do, so i thought about it.
thought about why i couldn't really talk about it -
well, it's cause it stirs certain reactions in others that take the safe talking space away.
people either feel bad about it and carry a weight around for me,
or they want to fix it or take care of me in some form.

all of that is because people care, yes.
and that's a nice thing.
it's also the stuff that takes a space away.

i got to thinking about that space.

seems to me that that space is really vital.
it's the place you can explore and think out loud,
it's the place where great things are born,
it's the place where there's freedom and safety all at once.

but it can disappear because whatever's goin' on isn't accepted.


i do this a lot, i think.
i think i take spaces away a lot.

and here i was thinking i was a space maker.
that'll teach me to stay humble!

i get really heavy weighted with other people's stuff sometimes.
and i know i want to fix and change things for other's a whole lot.

and that isn't what they need when they need a space to talk and open.

for pete's sakes -
this is a whole 'nother reason to 'allow' -
to 'accept' -
to just be.

i'm thinking that allowing and accepting opens the doors for more than
i can even guess at.

and i'm kinda thinking this is a big deal thought.
but it's brand new.
so i'll be mullin' on it a bit.........

Friday, December 13, 2013

what i needed to hear.....

i wasn't sure about goin' for coffee.
but i had already committed.
and so i went.

turns out what i said to her,
was exactly what i needed someone to say to me -
and what was so cool was i was speaking from my heart
and meant every word.

so i could not only hear it, i could feel it -

there's so much darkness.
so much pain.
and it's so hard to hold and just let it be there.
but there's so much goodness mixed in.
and we just cannot forget that.

and i told her how christmas for me was truly the season of hope.
and of the light in the darkness.

i said 'people are good' - and i meant it.

i talked of the treasures we find in the caverns.

i said i didn't want to get swallowed up in the darkness,
but i also didn't want to whirl around just in light unaware of the dark.

and i said sometimes we are the light we're looking for.
and we forget.
and we gotta look inward.

and that the challenge seemed to be to be able to hold it all,
all of it.......
and know that it is 'okay' just the way it is.

and i said i thought i'd have to come back 500 more lifetimes
before i really got the hang of that.......

but i  do think that's our challenge.
and i think that living as presently as we can matters.

and i spent the rest of the day talking to myself about that.......

Thursday, December 12, 2013

the magic vessel

typing a note to a friend, telling a story,
and realized that i had to tell this story over here.

not really sure i want to, cause it's one of those really really personal ones -
but that's the point, right?
to share the real stuff......

so here we go.

i got this really cool 'vessel' in the mail yesterday from a potter friend.
it's an unusual shape, and while i loved it, i wasn't sure what i would put into it.

my first thought was 'maybe i'll write notes to myself - really kind notes -
and when i need a pick me up, i can pull one out and read it.'

and then i thought - 'maybe i can write notes to my inner child and she can write
notes to me and we can just keep in touch that way.'

so i had these ideas, and no particular plan.

i was walking around my house trying to figure out the best place to put it.
i wanted it to be kinda private as i didn't want it to be something people just
opened the lid and read the notes inside, ya know?

so i walked into my office and put it right on a shelf in there.
as i did so, i wondered what would i write right then if i could write anything
at all in the world? what would i express?

and as it happens, i was really sad about something.
really deeply sad.

i walked over to my desk, grabbed a piece of paper and wrote out -
'i am sooo sad.'

folded it and put it in the vessel.

then i stood there as if it was a magic vessel and thought 'what is it i really want
right now in response to that?'

and instantly i knew - 'a hug.'

i really wanted a hug.

and so i stood there and closed my eyes and imagined giving myself a hug.
at some point i even kinda hugged myself with my arms.

and i swear, it was like this huge weight fell off or a release....or something.


and the whole reason i put out this whole personal story is because of this point
right here -

no matter who you have in your life around you -
and i'm very fortunate to have some really amazing people close to me,
there are some things inside us that only we ourselves can grasp the depth of,
can feel the sorrow of, and understand the pain.

and those are the times that really you can't go looking for someone else to
soothe you. you truly have to find that inside yourself.

we have to learn to gift ourselves with our own compassion.

no matter who we have around us, no matter how many loving people are in our lives,
no matter if we have no one at all - it doesn't matter -
it is up to us to love our selves in certain moments.
it is up to us to look inward and find what we need.

and somehow that happened to me with my magic vessel.
and i'm hoping that i remember to use it next time i need some extra love.

there is so much inside us.
if only we just opened and accessed it......

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

a quick easy cool holiday thing to do!

this is a direct 'cut and paste' of a facebook post i hollered out yesterday.
i wanted to holler it here as well.......

if you're interested in reaching out, by all means, please do.
i know these kinda things can make such difference to people!

so. i thought i'd shout out to those who are kinda down and blue this season with a great thing to do to reach out and beyond and to feel good about. but then i thought of all those who are really happy and feeling blessed...well, this is a good chance to share the good - so this is to everyone! a couple of friends just got in touch with me about another friend who's having a pretty darn rough time. cancer in several places and some major family issues goin' on as well. one of the friends suggested we grab all the people we could and ask them to send her a postcard with one word on it! what a cool idea! just one word to encourage her, or let her know she's being thought of or held or whatever.......want to? it would certainly be a beautiful offering! just email me for her address and we'll get this goin'!! 

honoring on the path....

it was a special anniversary.
one i wanted to be all alone for.
it was the anniversary of buying my house back when i got divorced,
and owning my first ever home all by myself.

i wanted to take that moment to also celebrate
-again, all by myself -
my making it thru -
my raising my boys.

i had celebrated with the guys some time back,
but i needed something quiet, just for me.
something i could really sit with.

i had planned a fire out in my back yard.
and i spose if i was a real spunky kinda gal,
i wouldn't have let the weather stop me.

but i decided to go with plan b.
my living room -
candles, fire with my pellet stove, and my lit christmas tree.

i turned off all the lights and let those be what lit the room.

turned out to be a wonderful option.

i sat and remembered.
and remembered.
and remembered.

and remembered some more.

i realized how big the losses were.
i didn't stop and wallow in them.
i just thought of them,
acknowledged them.
realized i had lost a tremendous amount.......
and yet......had gained more than i could have imagined,
and would do it all over again, losses and all.

i marveled at some of the things i had been thru.
and some of the grace i had found.
and smiled when i thought of what a gritty path it was to find that grace.

i went outside and looked at my house all lit up in lights,
and just about cried right there on my front lawn.
one of the most beautiful sights i ever saw.

i came back in and snuggled back down.

and realized i had done something really good -

i had left a life that wasn't healthy,
to work on creating one that is.

yeah, i still have a ways to go.
i guess a lifetime to go.
but i'm headin' in the right direction, and i know it.

i thought of a bone sigh i had written when i first started out.
and i remembered something someone had told me once about
my bone sighs -

she said i seemed to live my way into them.

i smiled and whispered the quote out loud -

what she lost wasn't healthy,
what she gained was.

i'm living my way into that.
and hopefully i'll be living my way into that for the rest of my life.

and last nite, i took some time to sit with that, acknowledge it,
and honor it.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

forever choices......

every now and then i can hear my dad so clearly in my head.
it's like he's talkin' right at me.
or maybe thru me.
like he wants to make the point yet again,
even if he is gone.

we were all sitting around the kitchen table talking.
it was festive and cozy and full.
when i heard him.

and so i said - i can hear dad right now.
i know  just what he'd say -

and i proceeded to talk about choices.
just like he did.

he used to talk about the choices of young people.
and how they were so vitally important,
but they were young, and didn't realize how important.

he'd talk about how they would shape people's lives,
and how things so important, got very little thought.

so i brought that up and looked at each one of my sons for emphasis.
and we all agreed and talked about it a bit.

it was good conversation stuff  and some decent food for thought.

thing is......there's more to that.
sure, he was making a certain point.
but he never went on about the choices of adults.
about how those choices shape a whole ton too.

i find that interesting.
i think maybe he didn't see that many choices for adults.

but i do.
i really really do.

and i see it all the time -
maybe it's different now then it was for him.
maybe people are more free to make choices and change their lives around.
i don't know.

but i know see it a lot.
and i see the exact same thing he used to talk about with
young people going on in adults.

really important choices given very little thought.
OR a certain twist that seems more adult - choices looked at
thru eyes of denial....eyes that don't want to see.

and you know....i gotta wonder about us.
that's just absolutely crazy!
cause these are the things that create our lives - our choices!

and yet still, we use a thousand different ways to not look, not to  take
responsibility, not to own healthy choices.

sometimes i think we're not so much victims of life
as we are victims of our own selves.

what have you got goin' on right now?
what have you been dealt?
what cards are layin' on the table?
what are the cards you can't see?

and what the heck do you do with it all?

sometimes i need a little time to go 'woe is me.'
sometimes i need that.
but we only need that for a little while.

sometimes looking and thinking 'okay, this is my hand,
now how do i work with it for the best of my advantage?'
is really what we need to be doin'.

they're not just for the young.
they're for every living breathing person on the planet.

how cool is that?!

Monday, December 9, 2013

a peaceful moment in a beautiful nite

it's sunday nite.
i'm writing this for the morning as i know i'll be hitting the ground
running - and i thought i'd grab a quiet moment while i could.

my pellet stove is going - which means there's a fire for me sit by,
my lit christmas tree is glowing quietly, and the ice out on the bare tree branches
is glimmering under the shine of the street light.

there is a peace all around me.

i sit here quietly taking it in,
feeling like the most blessed person on the planet.

it was a weekend full of celebrating and goofing off with family,
and then working hard to catch up on business...

the quiet feels like heaven.

i look around and soak up this space of mine.
thinking of some of the sadness that's come thru my email box lately.
all the pain everywhere.
and how lucky i am right now.
and how much i need to realize that.

the other day, as i was headin' out the door,
i stopped and looked around.
i had the decorations for josh's birthday mixed in with all
the christmas decorations.

i actually laughed out loud.
in my eyes, i looked incredibly wealthy.
and yet, there was nothing there but decorations and love.
you could tell whoever lived here liked to celebrate.
and all i could see was the richness of my life.

as i sit here in this cozy room,
i just have to believe the celebrating, and the appreciating,
and the noticing of things like beautiful ice outside the window
are the treasures of life. and right now my life is so full of them.

i know 'they' say that all the time.
but sometimes i forget.
i get busy trying to balance books that won't balance,
trying to pay bills that just won't stop adding up,
trying to make it all work....
i get lost in that at times....
or the sadness of the world knocks me over,
or the day to day disappointments can grab me and take me under...
and i forget.

but tonite....
sitting here..........
i feel like i have everything i could ever ask for.
and that maybe embracing and holding it with such gratitude
is the most wonderful act of living i can ever do.

Friday, December 6, 2013

yet another birthday

when there's a lot goin' on over here,
it's hard to tell where you'll land from moment to moment.
and lately, there's been so much happening,
i just spin off in a million directions.
which is kinda fun if you stay open to it.
you never know what's happening next.

i stole a quick little bit of time to be out in my yard early in the morning.
i know if those moments don't get stolen in the morning, i lose 'em.
it felt so good.
sure is something wonderful - and needed - about being outside.
but i kept it quick, knowing it was gonna be one of those days.

and so it was.

i came in, worked real fast, then ran out to do errands.

running back in later with arms full of groceries, i saw the answering
machine blinking.

josh had called.
i'll just call him back quick and slip the food away at the same time, i thought.....

i returned his call as i stashed the food in all its places.

'do you have a minute?' he asked.

'sure' i lied.

and then promptly began pulling pots out.
i figured it was gonna take more than a minute,
so i should start cooking the lasagna we were having the next day
to honor his birthday.(i'm a fan of it sitting around for a day before
you eat it. letting those flavors mix and all that......)

and i'm getting to be a pro at grabbing the moments.

and so he talked.
i cooked. and listened.
and gave feedback.

i was loving what i was hearing.
he was finding some things he needed to find.
having some great thoughts.
and he sounded good.
like he was going in a strong direction.

'what a wonderful conversation to have while i make your birthday dinner!' i told him.
and it really was.
i felt so good listening to him.
that good a parent feels when they know their kid is getting stuff that matters -
and it's in a healthy way! - that's a good feeling.

i hung up the phone and finished up.
all the while thinking about that oldest son of mine.
what a difference in this afternoon and the one so long ago just before he was born.

back then i had no idea at all what it would be like to have a son,
let alone three of them........

i had no idea how my life would change.
and i had no idea how amazing it would be to watch them grow.

this is his first birthday where i've been all on my own......
it's such a cool place to perch and watch.
i like it here.
far enough where i can just watch at times,
close enough where i can hear some of the thoughts he cares to share.

it's his birthday today.
and i'm filled with gratitude, love, respect and just plain joy in
what that little baby brought to my life.......and the lives of so many others.

sometimes - some moments - are just so darn good you want to pop.
as i look out on this foggy gray morning -
it couldn't look any better to me.

happy birthday, josh!

Thursday, December 5, 2013

a shopping guide for you!

it is my great delight to share our 2013 holiday shopping guide with you!

we shouted out for links of different artisans so that we could gather
them together for you to have as a great source for your holiday gifts.

we also included some nifty shops that we work with as well.

in just checking thru all the links to make sure they worked, i thought
my buddy who runs the shop,portals, in berkeley springs, west virginia,
was hacked!~ then i laughed. nah, we just got the wrong website there!

we'll correct that before we pass this along any further.....but for now, i wanted
to do a quick shout out with it just the way it is.

if you are near berkeley springs, or planning a vist that way, tom's shop is
awesome and definitely worth a stop in! you can find the CORRECT link here -


other than that, i think we got 'em all right!
need some gifts?
check these artistans out!

~ holiday shopping guide ~

and! oh yes!
if you needed some visuals and links for our own,
bone sigh arts shopping guide.......

here ya go!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

and what a dance it is!

you would think that after the gazillions of years of hormone shifts
i've lived thru, it wouldn't be that big a deal when i actually get it right
and handle the shift with maturity and grace.


well, it IS a big deal.

cause i usually don't!

but this time around i did!

and i want to document it to help me remember for the next time around.

it's taken me years and years to figure some of this stuff out.

i can think back to some of the more intense moments when i didn't
realize it was hormone related. wow......it woulda helped to put it all together.

i read something along the way that made a lotta sense to me.
it talked about the SUBJECTS that come up when you're hormonal
are important, they're something you need to pay attention to and tend to.
but all the time, not just when it's crazy inside you.

so don't just say 'oh i'm hormonal, i won't pay attention to that.'
instead something like 'ohhhhhhh look what came up! i shiould notice
that and work with that.'

i liked that a lot.
gave me a certain respect for what was goin' on.
it was a way of realizing your body really is workin' with you all the time,
and gives you shouts here and there to pay attention to.

and my gosh, sometimes those shouts are pretty loud shouts, aren't they???

so anyway.....

this time i felt that ol' feeling.....
you know how it is....
you're goin' along fine, and then BAM - outta nowhere -
you get flattened with some emotion.

this one, this time, was sadness.

and i knew it was hormone related.

i could just tell.
how it came on,
what it was about,
the huge reaction.......

didn't make me any less sad.
just made me more aware of what to do with it.
and what NOT to do with it.

wallowing is the worst thing i can do at times like that.
so i avoided all possible wallow times.
actually even got myself up out of a quiet time
and said i had to go be a bit more active.
and went off to be active.

it really helped.

there was an allowing of the sadness......but not a succumbing to it.

doesn't mean i think i should do this all the time.
absolutely not.
sometimes there are times when you gotta go sink in the sadness.

but this wasn't one of 'em.
and i knew it.

with my cycle being pretty crazed these days, with no normal anymore,
i woke up this morning feelin' back to happy and rarin' to go.
but also aware i had some stuff i need to tend to.

part of me likes to think that the funk left so quickly because while i let it be there,
i didn't pay much attention to it.
but most of me believes it left cause my hormones switched yet again.
and they'll be back in bigger force before i know it.

i'm thinkin' i'm entering a pretty big stage of dancing hormones.
and i want to become more and more aware.
and i want to work with myself extra carefully during some of those times.
i really believe our body works with us - if we let it -
and if we listen.
gosh, i'll be so curious what stuff shows up and is being shouted about.
what stuff i still need to tend to.

it really is an amazing thing.

tryin' hard over here to listen to the beat.......
and go with the dance.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

sounds simple enough...but jeesh!

i read something the other nite that i realized worked for all relationships.

the guy was talking about the secret of marriage and he said to realize
that you are different.

ahhhhhhh such a simple statement, but one that really really hits the mark.

the times i get in trouble with my partner are when i forget that.
i forget and assume we work the same, think the same, feel the same.

whoa. really not helpful.

and it occurred to me, that it's like that with everyone.
how about as a parent with your kids?
that's an easy one to forget!
friends with friends.
siblings with siblings........

it gets forgotten a lot, doesn't it?
at least i forget it a lot.

and then i get disappointed.

and i have to stop and look at that.

disappointed in what?

that they aren't like me?

well nooooooooo.........i honestly wouldn't want that.

so then.........maybe i should rethink that disappointnent?

i think truly loving, truly seeing means we remind ourselves over and over
that we're different - and that it's a good thing we are.

and if we don't understand something about how another reacts, or works,
or feels.......then ask!

such simple concepts.
and yet.........
stuff i forget daily.

Monday, December 2, 2013

a couple of things.....

there's two things i've been doing lately.

one i knew about from the start,
the other one i just figured out i was doing without knowing it.

both seem to be making a world of difference for me.

the first one - the one i actively worked on was this -

i realized that i could grab a buncha things that happened to me in a day -
ten could be wonderful, twenty could be neutral, two could be headaches,
and one could downright suck. and that it was up to me which to choose
to talk about when someone asked how my day was, or when i sat and thought
about my day, or when i felt the need to talk about something.

now, sometimes, the downright sucky one needs to be talked/thought about -
hashed thru a bit. i know that. and am good with it.

but sometimes it's way way easy to just skip it and talk/think about the really
good stuff.

i tried it.
with the people close to me.
people i'd go to and talk thru stuff with.
people i would tell anything to.
there were a couple things buggin' me.
but there were a couple things that rocked.

so i chose the things that rocked - talked about 'em, thought about 'em.
and noticed there was no big loss in skipping over the others.

so i tried it again.
this is kinda cool.
and a part i liked about it a lot was i flipped thru the events like
they were folders in a file - and i'd just pause over the sucky stuff and
see if it needed talking about.
nahhhhhhh......not really.
and i'd move on.
flip to the really good stuff.
grab those, pull those out, and talk about them.

one thing it's done is show me which sucky stuff matters and which doesn't.
a whole lot less matters than you think.

then, one day, after doin' this a few times,
it happened with someone close to me.
where the sucky stuff happened between us.
where there was a choice -
dwell on the not so good that was goin' on, or realize that there was
tremendous good usually, and this didn't need to be focused on.
and i think having practiced this a few times,
it really was easy to do.

i could trust the act of doing it.
(think that's a real important part right there)

sounds like a no brainer, huh?
but i tell ya......consciously try it.
you might be surprised at what happens.

the other thing that's been goin' on without me even knowing is the
focusing on little things.  the ol' 'it's the little things that make life
worthwhile' has been alive in me without me even realizing.
and i'm wondering if it has anything at all to do with the first thing i just
talked about?

wouldn't it be cool if it was a direct result of that?
i don't know.
but i do know that as i stand and look at my christmas tree,
i feel delighted to see my pinecones all over it.
i had gathered pine cones every time i raked,
and then put hooks on some, sprayed a few with snow,
and got them all ready to hang on my tree.

first year ever it is my tree alone.
and it's got pinecones from my trees,
and strands of popcorn my family and i strung on thanksgiving.
and i love it.
i stand there looking at it with pure delight.

this morning as i did that,
i looked over at my tablecloth on my table.
for some reason, tablecloths have become important to me.
they warm up my kitchen, and make me feel really cozy.
and i love them.

i think it's when i went from looking at the pinecones with delight,
to just standing there admiring my tablecloth that i realized what had been
going on with me with the little things.

i have been eating them up like they're candy.

grabbing the ladder and fixing the christmas lights that went out -
and having them go on with the first touch.

hugging my tree in the wet and cold while trying to put lights around it,
and smelling the deep gorgeous smell of the earth in the bark.

snuggling in my bed when it's freezing cold outside and so warm in my little spot.

getting my pellet stove to light first try and having it feel so cozy.

these are the things that have been keeping me happy. these and a thousand others.
all of them small. and yet not small at all, are they?

not small at all.

none of this is small.
and it's been affecting me deeply.

wanted to share.........