steel walls

he sits across from me looking tough.
part of him likes me, part of him resents me.

i sit across from him trying to see behind the tough
into the heart i'm praying hasn't hardened over yet.

i find myself praying in my own way constantly thru
this conversation. my way of choice at this time is
throwing myself over and over into the abyss of trust.
trusting that something will come out of my mouth
that makes sense when i'm totally unsure of what to
say. over and over i lean back in my mind and throw
myself into the abyss again and again.

who knew that could be prayer?

i can't live with myself if i don't at least tell him
what it is i'm seeing.

some of it's good. a whole lot of it's bad. how do
i bring that to the steel walls i see go up in his
eyes? not wooden walls. not concrete.
i'd prefer those.......nope.
cold, gray steel. i could see them....feel them.
how does one get thru steel?

i tell him i care. i tell him i see so many great things.
i squint hard to still see them. i don't want to lose
sight of them. i tell him i don't think he really likes
himself.

he balks.
protests.

i tell him it's not just him.
it's a lotta people.
i use myself for an example.
i use my oldest son who is with me for an example.

it's not just you, i say, it's so many of us.

we talk of finding that in us.
how someone can't just hand us that.

he listens....but does he hear?
he's puzzled that we struggle with our own self
images....that's caught his attention.

i tell him i respect him enough to tell him the truth.

and i tell him he's lying to himself.

i tell him we all do it.

we all lie to ourselves.

what makes a person grow into someone great tho
is their ability to look at those lies, and see why they're
doin' it. see what they're getting from them.

the ability to own what it is you're doin'.

you're ability to own when it is you're screwin' up.

i think that's what makes a person great.

we all lie to ourselves.
we all screw up.

can you own it tho?
can you put it out there and admit it?

and then....can you be man enough...or woman enough
to be who it is you really want to be?

that's what makes a person great, i think.

i think you can only do that if you love yourself.

and i wonder how many of us can really do it?
how many of us can really love ourselves enough to
own our mistakes and change them?