don't burn the evidence...bring it to the light

fasten your seat belts - my mind's about to
twist and turn all over the place!

had a dream last nite. wow. really affected me.
here's the short version interpretation/gist all at once.

three significant people from my past killed two parts
of me. one wanted ME to burn the evidence. the other
two were hiding their part, but wanted me to look the
other way.

i was all ready to do both.
you know....the nice cooperative girl.

then it occurred to me that if i did this, i was an accessory
and could go to prison for life.

ha!!
okay. is that obvious to everyone else? it is to me, but
i can never tell if the stuff in my head is making sense
to anyone else.

so i took a walk and thought about it all.
the PRISONER FOR LIFE stuff really got me.
the incredible sense of denial that i had runnin' thru the
dream was really strong also.

so, okay....you don't have to actually go to a prison to be
a prisoner for life. a lotta people know that one. sometimes
all our participation in horrible acts against us have to be
no more than denial of what's happening, acceptance of it.
burying/burning the evidence.

ohmygosh. and put this in dream form and it really hit me.

as i walked and thought, i realized this isn't about the blame
game. i can blame myself as much as i can blame other people.
how could i have accepted the things i did? how could i have
turned the blind eye???

i've been told over and over not to kick myself for that.
it's where i was. i hadn't grown enough yet.
however you want to say it.

i can turn the same thing on the people who hurt me.
it's where they were. they hadn't grown enough yet.
however you want to say it.

so it's not about blame.

not at all.
it's about honesty.
(again with the darn honesty!!)

SEEING what happened. ADMITTING what happened. and
then letting it go and moving forward. blame holds me back.
i gotta be careful with that stuff. denial imprisons me.

i in no way want to be a prisoner for life.
and that's entirely up to me.

so, okay........i read this just before i fell asleep.......am thinking
this definitely connects.

'what lies at the core of all grievance is deep pain and grief about
loss of connection. because we have never fully and consciously
grieved this hurt, it becomes coagulated in our mind and body.
what we fail to grieve turns into grievance. to extract the medicine
that can heal the poison of grievance, we need to acknowledge and
allow this grief, instead of running away from it. this means bringing
our grief about loss of connection out of the shadows into the
daylight of openness and warmth.'
(john welwood/perfect love, imperfect relationships)

woe.
this all fits together so much in my mind. can't tell if it will in anyone
else's...........but i wanted to try to put it all out there.

it actually excited me this morning to go make my life more of what
i wanted it to be......it's up to us, ya know?