oh great.

sometimes i feel like i've hit the
college level courses in life....and sometimes i gotta
say i just don't want them.

i've been strugglin' with a pretty big issue in my life.
tryin' to figure out the way to 'be love' thru it. it just
wasn't clear to me.

and then today i had an insight. i figured it was a good
start, and i knew what i had to do.

the bottom line was to accept someone that i've had
a really big track record of hurt with. sit across from
them and work on just seeing who they are and sending
them love. breathing thru the pushed buttons and baggage
and work on just being and seeing and sending love.

i actually thought i could do this.

and then, very casually, without anyone realizing it,
a hurt related to all of this slammed into my face. something
that brings up the depths of it all to me. something that
makes me want to run and hide.

actually, i did inside me.
i said 'forget it. i can't do this. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
everyone can just leave me alone.'

i still feel that way.

i don't want to do this.
and i see it as a very valid reason to quit and not do it.
there's been too much hurt. it's all just sucked. i don't want
any part of it anymore. it just doesn't stop. they've created
a world where it just keeps on goin'. and i want it to just
leave me alone. i won't have anything to do with this.

and then quietly, every so quietly, the thought slipped its
way thru my brain....

'then they win, terri...if you stop, you let the small mindedness,
the mean spiritedness, the closed heartedness win. you let
the stuff that is less than make you less than.'

oh great.
just great.

just great.

so now i gotta go try to be, see and give love when all i want
to do is go cry and hide.

and as i wrestled with this, i glanced at my wall....with a quote
from victor frankl hangining on it....

'it did not really matter what we expected of life but rather
we had to ask ourselves what life expected of us.'

i have a week or two to prepare.
and then, i'll try.
i'll do the very best i can.
and if it doesn't quite work the first time, i'll try it again.

because maybe it's true that love doesn't always win out
in the real world....but maybe inside me i can make love
be the winner.