thinking......

practically went running out for my walk...
felt a tad bit desperate as i started, thinking
how am i gonna ever face this hurt with love???
how am i going to be able to sit across the table
from the personification of it all and send love??

and then it occurred to me....
actually getting myself to the table to do this
has taken years. and i know i'll try to do it.
i know i'll get to the table.
and THAT'S the work. the gettin' there part.

then i started getting muddled and very very
frustrated.

i changed gears. switched scenes. different players.

how come i can't believe someone's real love
is about me? when will i ever be able to hold that?
and i felt so incredibly frustrated.

and then something else occurred to me......
these two things are definitely going hand in hand.
deep hurt from one end, not holding love on the other.
i knew that, but i saw it in this particular part of the
path very clearly.

and my getting to that table with one is going to help me
hold the real love with the other.

and i think i might know why......
because if i can sit calmly at a table with my personification
of hurt, and send that person love, see that person, well...
then i'll be seeing more clearly. and i'll know all that hurt isn't
about me. i'll be letting that knowledge sink to my bones.
it isn't it my bones yet. this will be bone sinking stuff.
it may take more than once, but it can sink down thru if
i let it.

and when i get that, really really really get that.......
i can move on to the really good stuff.

and then i thought of my buddy just tellin' me that all the
growth doesn't have to be painful. and i smiled. okay.
so the good stuff........the incredible love that is being offered
to me....maybe i can only hold pieces of it.
but the pieces i hold are wonderful.
and maybe it'd be a good spot to do the 'fake it til i make it'
stuff. and then i thought of 'the secret' philosophy.
believe it. know it. feel it.

i think i can do all of this.
yeah.
i do.
and i know i'll hit a bump where i don't believe it
anymore.

but for now, i believe it.
and i'm gonna go with it.

gonna get myself ready for a little table talk......