on the table.....

it's nice to love someone enough that you hold
yourself accountable for what's goin' on inside
you.

i was weird this morning with him. he heard it.
i heard it.
what the heck was goin on?

it would be so nice to just hang up the phone and
toddle off and forget it.
but that didn't seem too fair to him.

so i sat and figured it out.

it's an interesting one.

complicated and hard to explain....
maybe the bottom line area would be easier.

did you ever love someone you didn't really
believe in? i have. it's not so great if
they play a central role in your life.

but the good thing about it is i know how
that feels. and refer to it from time to time.

i also know how it feels to love someone
i believe in with all my heart. he definitely
challenges me beyond anyone i know...yet the
belief is there totally.

i've been having trouble separating who he is
from some other stuff.

i saw that this morning. and once i see it, i
can work with it. i told him about it. it's out
there on the table.

why i put it here on this table is i think it's
a cool problem.

separating who someone is from something that's
goin' on. or from some energy that's surrounding
things. or from all kindsa other options.

separating who someone is and knowing they are
not the problem.

to me, the confusion sets in because of fear.
fear runs a lotta of what goes on inside of me.
so the fear starts the confusion and the protection
sets in. what can i do to protect myself from
what i'm afraid of?

i don't want unnecessary protection. i don't want
walls.

so to wrestle with the fear and knock the walls
of protection down, i need to find strength and
trust. i find that in the belief i have of the
other person.

could i find it if i didn't believe in the other
person? not sure. doubt it.

so the trust and faith in that person is vital.
it's got to be part of the love.
how else can you grow without that?

i don't think i could. it's what allows me to
beat the fear. every time i beat the fear, i grow.

and every time i believe in who he is, we grow.

now.
sounds great.
but how?

i think every time that fear comes up today i'm
gonna stare at it and tell it how wrong it is.

that simple.

we'll see how that works......
and......i think maybe more important....i'm gonna
concentrate on gratitude for him being a person i
can believe in with my whole heart.

i know gratitude creates magic.
i'm thinking i need to learn how to dance to the
different steps of it....