lucky

i never listened to melissa etheridge until
she came into my life. she loved melissa's music.
and when her cd, 'lucky' came out, she made me
go get it.

it was the height of our friendship. she had
extraordinary circumstances to her life. trust
wasn't much a part of it. she didn't know how to.
and then i bumbled in and we both learned how
to trust each other.

it was intense. it was incredible.

the song 'mercy' on the lucky album was 'our song.'
i never really had a song with anyone....but that
one was ours.

i remember she wanted to ask me about it. tried to,
but felt too vulnerable. i hadn't heard it yet,
so i didn't realize what she was trying to say.

and then i was driving, put it on, and couldn't
believe it. that was us. i called her and told her.
i could feel her relief that i 'got it.'

and in my heart, i always felt if she was a singer,
she would sing just like melissa.

i can't listen to melissa very much these days.
it makes me miss her way too much.

but for some reason, i grabbed a melissa cd
for the car drive this morning. put a few songs on.
thought of her. teared up. turned it off.

on the way back i tried again. turned it on.

the emotions were so strong.
i missed her so much. i went to turn the music off.

wait a minute ter.

what are you afraid of?
feel it.
just feel whatever it is you're not allowing yourself
to feel.

let it come out.
it's been wanting to for years now.
let it come out.

and so i did.
i drove, and let whatever was going to happen happen.

i didn't hear the words to the songs anymore.
just the sounds. the sound of melissa's voice, the sounds
of the instruments.

they'd hit different parts in me.
and i tried to feel where the overwhelming feeling was
coming from.

right smack in the middle of me.
not really at my heart. i have no idea what organ would
be there...but it was right smack in the middle.

i just let go and felt it.

and then it did the strangest thing.

it's like it carried me.
it swept me up and carried me.
i had no control over it.
i let it go where it would.

and it took me to the other side of the pain.

you're kidding me?

i've been tryin' so hard not to step into these
feelings cause they hurt so much....
and there they were, not doin' anything i couldn't
handle....and they were taking me to a new spot.

the spot i started in was all about losing people.
the grief of losing.

where it carried me to was desire for living.

how strange.

i thought about living life.
and living fully.

and another song of melissa's came into my mind.
'lucky.'

i wanna see how lucky i can be.....
i love that song.....

it's about living totally.

i gotta go grab that album and give it a listen.

i was reminded of something on the way home today....
the pain can bring you to really cool places.

if you let it.....