you gettin' up or what?!

i was in the height of my searching for answers
to my big questions when i met him. i didn't see
him as my future partner. he was someone i asked
my questions to. he was someone who took me seriously
and asked questions back. he helped me think. he
made me think.

we've become partners. and we've challenged each
other all along the way. i have never met anyone
like him before. quietly, without my really knowing
it, he watches and he nudges me when he needs to.
he says i'm the teacher. and there's no way on
earth that's true. he leads me constantly.

and there he was yesterday, in my darn face.
he went beyond nudging yesterday. he was pushing.

my comfort zone was rapidly falling away. he knew
it. i knew it. some of the things he said made sense
to me. others didn't. i was confused, muddled and
nervous.

and then he started talking to me about 'settling.'
how when we first met, i vowed to never ever settle
again. that i'd rather have no love than a partial
love.

he gently showed me how i had begun to settle.

wow.

it takes a true partner to do that.

and it takes a true partnership to hear it, see it,
and ask for help.

settling?

me?

wow. i thought i'd never do that again. i thought
i learned.

he talked of security and safety.
yeah.
yeah.
i know.
i like both of those a lot.

an awful lot.

and yes, i know.....there is no such thing.

and yes, i have begun to lean on them too much.
i have begun to close certain parts of me down
for safety.

i have put needs aside for security.

i leap less, run full tilt less,
and dive less.

i looked at him.
'i thought i was doin' good. i really did.
i've made so much progress. i really thought i
was doin' good.'

he was quick to tell me i was.
he wasn't putting me down.
he was pushing me to leap, run and dive more.
more.
keep going.
the journey.
'the epic journey' he called it.

i remember long ago, when we were just buddy's
he said i was on 'a quest.'
i hated that. i didn't like the sound of it.
didn't want to hear it again.

didn't stop him. he said it over and over.

and i started thinking....maybe he's right.
maybe it is a quest.

he was right, i think.

and i think i've gotten kinda beat down with
some life stuff.
he knows it.
he's been there thru it.
and he's waited.
let me be beat down.

now he's standing there looking at me.

'you gettin' up, or what?'

i figured out along the way that what i want in
a partner is someone who will help me grow, someone
who will motivate me to grow, and someone who will
be honest enough to walk the journey with me.

i got exactly that.
without even understanding what it was i was
looking for.

now.
can i handle my end of the deal?
can i be the partner that's growing and honest
enough to walk the journey?

security and safety HAVE begun to suck me in.

i know he's right.
pieces of me have to reawaken.

i gotta grab the bold again.
and believe.
and know.

shoot.

darn that guy. he's right again.
he's right a lot.

okay.
okay.

stepping outta the namby pamby and goin'
in for some more work.....
should be some good walks this week!