am i worth loving?

yes.
yes.

it happened today.

first time in my entire life....
ever.
ever.

okay. if you haven't read the
butterfly woman blog that will help this blog
make sense....

it was the looking in her eyes part.
that has touched me so profoundly that i can't
even describe it.

and this morning as i walked i asked my self
so what? what was i gonna do with this? i'm tryin'
to see the eyes more. for what, i wondered.
what would i do with that???

tonite i did something.

i found myself in the most interesting conversation
with bob. but it took a turn. a turn where i would
normally go to a dark spot.
an 'i'm not worth it spot.' i'm not worth loving.
how could he love me. that spot.

and i started to go there....
and then i remembered the eyes.
her eyes.
my eyes.

and i stopped.

if bob can see even just a bit of what i saw...
if he sees even just a bit of that in me...
of what i saw in her...in me...
then, yeah, i knew he could love me.

i knew i was worth it.

i knew it.

ohmygosh.

and i realized those eyes....what i saw
the other day....that's the start of what's
gonna pull me to the other side. what's
gonna get me where i need to go...

i took a shower and thought of it all.
drying off, i buried my face in my towel...
and i cried.

a good cry. a deep cry.

an 'i'm gonna be okay' cry.

one baby step at a time.

but tonite, for this moment....i can say it.
i am worth loving.
and i can mean it.

i'll drop that and lose it. and pick it up again
and know it. and drop it again....

but i've held it for the first time now.
and that's the hard part.

i debated putting this up here....
but i wanted to in case there's anyone else
reading struggling with being worth it....

yeah, you are.

look in your eyes and see....