Thursday, March 12, 2009

brave points

i've never taken any credit for being brave...
cause i don't feel like i've ever done anything
brave....until this morning.

this post.
being here.
i'll take a few brave points.

something happened, the details of which don't
matter....but the bottom line was that i felt
ashamed and embarrassed about who i was and
how i put it out here on my blog.

i wanted to take all my blogs down and run
and hide and just stay in the corner.

there's maturity for you.

i took a walk this morning to try to sort thru
it all....

and i had a memory.

when i was a teenager, a girl i knew found herself
in a really rough spot. we weren't very close. but
close enough. and i called her and asked her if
she needed to talk.

we got together one evening. i took her to my
favorite spot in the world, and we sat and talked.
and talked. and talked.

i remember telling her a secret of mine.
something i hadn't told anyone else before or since.
the reason i told her was because i thought it would
help her out. the only way i could figure to help her
was to be real with her.

to this day i both squirm about it and yet feel
pleased that i'd be willing to do that for someone.

that memory popped right in this morning.
and i smiled. i've been doin' this a life time and
didn't really know....
tellin my stuff in hopes it helps....

one reason we weren't really close friends is i
didn't really like the way she took herself so
seriously. she worried way too much what people

hmmmmm...interesting, i told myself.
are you doin' that with this, ter?
did what someone say to you hurt you way too much?

you are who you are.
offer it.

and then i argued the offering point.
i'm really private too.
why don't i just stay private?

just then i looked down at my jacket.
written across the front in big letters is

what's love got to do with it, i argued.

back and forth i went.

til i finally got to where i had to...

i wandered into the 'ashamed' feeling.

i hate ashamed.
i hate that feeling.

and i thought of what i told myself yesterday.
how i told myself i loved myself.

and i tried it again.
and the tears came.

at this point i was walkin' and lookin' up
at the sky. the light in the clouds....

and i pictured standing myself up in the light.
holding my head up.

it wasn't easy.
that feeling of being ashamed of who i was was
still there.

what's stronger? the shame or the love?
how much do you love yourself?
how much do you know whoever you are is okay?

and i held my head up in the light.

who i am is all i have to offer.
if it causes someone else discomfort, that's
okay. that's not my deal.
i can't take myself too seriously.
and if opening is what i want to do....
if that's what i want more than anything in
the world....then i have to get up and
keep goin'. and open.

and so i'm here.
and yeah....i get points for brave today.

i'm puttin' the shame down....
and i'm standin'up and offerin' myself....

and forward we go.......


JoyZAChoice said...

i think you're one of the bravest people i ever met. because more than anything, it takes courage to lay it out there. and you do that. all the time. so when you forget...when you keep hearing that voice telling you you're not brave, come back to this. because you are. even if you don't see it yet. you are. i'm proud to know you. and you make me braver all the time. so there.

Anonymous said...

i'm so very glad that you post your thoughts---no matter what. believe it or not, terri, you're an easy person to put up on a pedestal. when i read that you doubt yourself or have moments of shame, it makes you more real. you know... like the rest of us. it makes the fact that you keep on helping others in spite of the doubts, all the more special.
it's interesting to note that you've always been a helper. so cool!
it sure is easy to love you.